Above

It's way past my weekday bedtime, and I can't shake the infuriating phone call I had over work today.

I was getting yelled at for work I wasn't aware, that wasn't in my job function, by a superior I don't answer to.

But that's not the issue.

I've been yelled at many times for uncalled reasons (discounting the same amount of things I've messed up in the past).

I'm upset at how this interaction went and the situation it has inadvertently created. Usually when I get an earful, things change for the future and people self-correct for good.

I'm unsure about this one.

Perhaps because I'm pessimistic and think my working relationship with said colleague might be irreparable. I also fear that this will disrupt tram chemistry in the 13-person strong company.

What also grinds my gears, is how powerful words can be, when used to hurt.

So perhaps as a reminder for me in a later stage, is to remember that you shouldn't get angry at the person, so much as to be angry at the situation.

Don't go lashing out at others. No one deserves to be treated mean.

Here's to hoping my brain can turn off after writing this, and that my above-average emotional intelligence (anectodal, but I get that a lot) remains intact.

Reborn

Hello to an anthology of what was the Covid pandemic years.  It's been a long time.

I initially wrote this with the positive things first, but come to realise that I should feel good about my return to this space.  So... here's the not-so-good stuff first: 

1) Constantly being extremely hard on myself

This ties in to my punching-down of salary demands (covered later), but I am getting better at it.  I think moving to a new faith which made more sense to me is slowly taking positive effects in shutting down the self-negativity.

2) Getting Covid

It was never ascertained where or when did I get it, but if I had to guess, it was probably from white-water rafting (which was terrifying, but also exhilaratingly fun).  Kevin having been tested positive as well, and was also half-drowning with me in the rapids, probably clued in my guesses.  

I was mortified when my lab results came back with positive results, especially being worried about spreading it to my parents and grandma.  Shortly after, my dad and Jols both got it, and I felt guilty (since I probably gave it to them).

3) The Russian invasion of Ukraine

I cannot stress this enough, that fuck conflicts and the pain and suffering it brings.  No one wins, be it the troops who were forced to invade a neighbouring country, or the lives lost or displaced from homes being destroyed.  It's also extremely painful to see a looming near-future dystopia of information feeds having memes next to global disasters. 

4) 1MDB... again 

More cases had resurfaced, with more bad actors and cases of corruption.  It boils my blood that the convicted ex-PM walks free with his bootlickers at his beck and call.  Him and all his cronies do not deserve any relevance in Malaysian history.  Let their names die in time, as unwritten history.

5) Losing my grandmother to Covid

Maternal grandma past away rather suddenly, and it came to a shock for most of us.  It's also sad how I've grown familiar with death in the family.  At least she's no longer in pain and suffering from the aftereffects of her stroke, which she had been facing for the past few years.  

It pisses me off to no end how I'm living through a historical event, especially how the pandemic was leveraged by Malaysian ministers to clamour for power, atop the bodies of dead citizens.  But with darkness, comes a new light.

The good stuff: 

1) Getting a job after six months of unemployment

I arguably shouldn't have negotiated for a lower pay, but I was adamant to never draw comparisons with my short stint at F&N. And I want to never have to be tied or linked with that. It was an awful working experience, despite the few nice people I've gotten to know there.  

The gig is a part QA, part R&D position.  It's a twelve-person strong company so a tight ship means doubling on job scopes.  I learned to bake cookies on the first week, and am very happy about the working hours. I get to be consistently punch out on time and be home by 6 pm to get something else done before dinnertime. 

2) Having a consistent weekly sporting session

These are mainly friends of Krys and Jer Rick but they're a friendly bunch with mixed skill level.  It's been a fun time getting to re-learn badminton with a more mature mindset and better understanding of my body.  It's always encouraging to see tangible improvements to my game through friendly coaching and self-study. 

I'm also grateful for being able to incorporate more consistent jogging sessions around the neighbourhood.  There's been a slow but gradual improvement to my stamina and speed and now it's a matter of maintaining a consistent workout routine while pushing for longer distances.  I recognise that  I still have a long way to go to be even considered decent (both time but more importantly distance), but it's something that helps me recenter my thoughts (while also chipping away at the podcast backlog).

3) Getting better at approaching stray cats

My upbringing was exclusively pet fish and the occasional tortoise, so hardly any meaningful interactions are made there.  Getting to be gentle while petting what are clearly fluffy good girls/boys is nice training to prepare a future where I have furkids of my own.

4) Being reborn as a Christian

This took a lot of soul-searching and introspection, but I ultimately took the dive and embraced a faith which promotes love and kindness through the Church of Christ.  I am blessed to have support from my family members and friends on this new journey.

5) Krys and JR's engagement

Sure, she had figured out JR's plans way ahead of time.  It doesn't stop the fact that Jols and I got to document the entire thing and spend a memorable weekend with them in The Acres at Bentong.  I nearly teared up with joy.

As with a return to form: 

Written form.

Road returnal.

Strolled, Passed, Trudged, 

Through and before.

This body creaks.

Rusted, busted, entrusted.

Time was kind when I wasn't.

Yet I'm immersed in it,

the past not sloughed off,

a robe was placed upon instead.

It's not goodbye.

Merely a hello,

Again.

29

It's 2 am. I've just spent three hours on Galatic Conquest mode on Star Wars Battlefront 2 (the OG one from 2005). I've binged my random YouTube videos, listened to an episode of a podcast, and am ready to tuck myself to bed.

But I can't sleep. I'm in tears, after hearing the late news that my university senior had nearly died. He's recovering now, surrounded by family and a strong support system. But a few weeks prior, he was in the ICU, having suffered a Covid-19 infection, a stroke, and a brain tumour all in one go. He's only in his early 30s.

That's just fucking terrifying.

As I lay in bed with a heavy heart, contemplating mortality, I am brought back down to earth on how blessed I am, to be safe, to be healthy, to be financially well-off to afford a five-odd month sabbatical in the midst of a global pandemic (although I'd deffo like to be employed sooner), all while being surrounded by the people I love. Above all, I truly pray and hope that he gets back on his feet soon, and that he makes a full recovery.

I go into a new year of my life with newfound appreciation for all the good things I've earned and have been given.

Only two days back did I visit a dentist for the first time in eight-odd years (due to neglect - don't be like me), and be let off the hook with only a single partially-decayed tooth and some tartar (shout out cousin Michelle Chew for the good service).

It's has indeed been a long time since I've last posted here, because there wasn't much of a need to post here. I'm blessed that way, I suppose.

And yet, I'm filled with this deep well of sadness that life isn't fair. Today is a rare occasion that I embrace sadness over angered motivation.

There's no purpose to this post. I could write on about the good things which happened (and i arguably should, versus just playing another video game).

I just wanted to give my thanks and appreciation and deepmost gratitude to all the love I've received so far. I only hope that I can give more love than I have gotten (and will get).

With much love,
29 year-old Fang

Catch

Lessons with Andy (19th October)

Topic: On uncertainty and the Christian perspective on how to seek comfort

Verse: Romans 8:26-28, James 4:13-15

26 - Holy Spirit helps in our infirmities (weaknesses), helps verbalise our feelings into words, 28 - rephrase "according to His purpose " as "followers of Christianity"

The Conviction of the Christian is that good will come out of those who follow God. God puts things into place in His own time. 

My personal concern is time. It's taking longer than expected, so that where the uncertainty sets in.

To trust in God's plan as our lives are just a tidy dot in the grander scheme of things. To transfer the confidence from myself, onto God, and to depend on God's capability. 

This is a change in mindset to place the faith in God instead of yourself. It seems that once the "task" is done that Christians will move on, and not dwell on how the task went (like worrying how the job interview went). They just move on once it's over.

It's how to let go. Giving control rather than taking control.

Backlog

Unemployment has been bearing its fangs.  Days blend together and everything just meshed into one thing.  Overdue lesson notes below.

26th September (physical church gathering)

Bible Class Topic: Definition of a fool

1) Defined in Psalms 14:1, Proverbs 1:7, Proverbs 28:26

- Does not have God in their heart

- Does not fear God

- Despises the wisdom of God and His instructions 

2) Wrong worldview 

- Heart (not knowledge) isn't centered (inclined to left or right) 

- A fool doesn't believe in the existence of God 

- Wrong worldview leads to destruction (digging a pit while standing in it) 

3) Actions reveal their nature 

- Denies God and commits sin 

- Inconsistent in their beliefs

Verse: Ecclesiastes 10

V1-3 Foolishness can result in poor reputation. Reputation can be easily ruined, compared to putrefied stench

-Cases of foolishness, Moses sticking the rock, David on Bethsheeba

V5-7 a fool is evil, and seeks to attain power (ref to quote that power corrupts entirely) 

V10 a fool is unprepared. 

V12-14 a fool is talkative. Empty vessels make the most noise. 

V15- a fool is incompetent, wasting time

V16-17 over-indulgent

V17-18 indifferent, uses money to solve everything, indifference to sin 

V20 indiscretion, talking without thinking (gossip) 

Commit

29th August

Topic: Commitment and how a Christian lives their life.

In our previous class we did go over to how Jesus said that he'll bring division. And that division might be between religion and family, even if that wasn't his intention.

Verse: Matthew 6:24, 33-34

You cannot serve two masters. It isn't easy to live a life of duplicity/multiplicity. If you choose not to serve Christ, you're conversely choosing to serve yourself.

"Serving two masters" here doesn't mean having to sacrifice your standard/quality of life for Jesus. Human needs (food, shelter, reputation, riches, etc) are not what needs to be compromised here. You cannot be consumed by the need for consumption (like being too caught up in accumulating wealth, for example).

The requirement of being a Christian is stated in Ephesians 6. Be a good son, lawful husband and all that. 

Verse: I Corinthians 13:4-8

History: the apostle Paul is teaching new followers what Christianity is all about, in the place of Corinth. 

Question: how to live a life while being different to others, as you're a Christian. Below would be more towards Buddhism/Taoism vs Christianity. 

It's not just the communication with family but explaining to them why a Christian can/cannot do for religious practices/worship. And of course, discussing this beforehand.  Conversations should not be clashes, but interactions to foster tolerance and understanding.  Physical act and meaning as to why you can't hold joss sticks, for example.

Love, is the fundamental thing to Christianity. Love should be the motivation.  

Homework: what's stopping you (Fang, psychologically and spiritually especially) in commitment towards Christ? Any doubts or questions?

Note: This, I have a lot of doubts over.

Family

Last week, my granduncle (paternal grandmother's younger brother) had shared a couple of writeups in the family WhatsApp group, one for each of my grandparents.

Needless to say, I cried a lot, reading it. I miss my grandfather dearly.

Here are the excerpts:

Chew Family History Chapter 5.1
My 2nd brother in law Lim Heng Shea(林廷协) was born on 11/04/1932 . He was known by all, young or old as “Uncle Lim”. Even my mother would address her son in law as Uncle Lim. He had no choice but to accept the honour.

He was once the Chairman of the Seremban Chung Hua Old Students Association (芙中校友会). During his term of tenure, he helped Chung Hua High School to get a piece of land from the government to build sports complex which is adjacent to the Chinese Maternity Hospital. He also helped to acquire piece of land in town to erect the present Old Students Association. His untiring efforts to acquire the lands was witnessed by lawyer Soo lin Pong (苏林邦）who was also the ex president of the association and member of the School Board .
He was very strict in his office and definitely no corruption business occurred under his care. On one occasion when the father of my student (Mr Yoong 熊天盛) talked about him, he said “Do not play a fool with Engineer Lim”. He would not accept any bribe to expedite the job. The job should be completed according to schedule set. Mr Yoong occupied the house in Limbok vacated by Chin Yee’s grandfather many years ago.

During one concert when my Choir performed in Seremban, I told him we would be pleased to see some bouquets on stage. On hearing that he phoned to many people to bless our Choir with bouquets that filled up the stage. All of us were so pleased with the greetings that we sang with smiles throughout the performance.

Every time when I returned home from KL, he would definitely asked me what time I would return to KL. Knowing my schedule, he made sure I had the dinner in his house before departure whether early or late. He was an excellent chef, very good at cooking beef. There was one instance when my music friend Mr Voon came to the house for lunch, Mr Voon finished off all the beef (很不客气的叫好）. This showed how tasty the food was. His dish of potatoes cubes fried in minced meat was the love of all although it was originally meant for the children. There was no way for all adults to reject. His needle glass noodle fried with the ingredients after prayer (神台的冬粉，冬菇，金针等） would be another dish unforgettable. It would not be complete if I do not mention that he could fry the slices of chicken drum with garlic and back soya sauce to make everyone crazy. We used to prepare Popiah in Bukit Rasah and all of us would love to eat them for lunch , dinner ,even the next day for lunch if there were left over. However Uncle Lim would make sure he would take the popiah for lunch only irrespective of its taste. He would resolve to other menu for dinner, not to say the left over on the next day .He was very discipline as far as food was concern. No repeat of recipe in the same day. Of course we would ignore him and continue to eat for dinner, even the next day.

He loved his three sons and daughter in laws Lim Jit Hui & Tan Lay Guat , Lim Jit Yaw & Audrey Chong , Lim Jit Fong & Suryani very much. Unlike my sister he would neither scold nor cane his three sons. When the behaviour of the 3 kids annoyed him, he would only stare at them with his serious face. This would drive his 3 sons to hide under the table. Uncle Lim emphasized the education of all his sons. He employed a tuitor to provide his children with good foundation of languages and mathematics for several years. With strong foundations of languages, all his sons achieved excellent results in all examinations. All his grandchildren were his darlings: Fang Hao, Fang Liang, Fang Min(princess) by Jit Hui; Fang Kai, Fang Jie, Fang Pin by Jit Yaw ; Fang Chuang, Fang Chuin by Jit Fong .I had not seen him irritated by his grandchildren whenever I was with them. He simply loved them very much although he never showed off. At time with some of his grandchildren in Singapore and some in Kuching, he and my sister felt lonely in the bungalow in Seremban, Uncle Lim would drive to Damansara Utama to stay with Jit Hui, Lay Guat and the grand children. He even promised to take Fang Liang to London to watch live soccer match if he did well in his study. Unfortunately this could not be materialised as he passed away on 20/08/2009 at age of 77.

More than 50 years ago, 2nd sister and 1st sister were teaching at the same school San Min Primary(三民小学). The pupils were always confused by their presence because they resembled each other so much. At one time when my friend Lum Weng Kong (林荣光) went to San Min for some errand, he met my 1st sister at the ground floor of the school and greeted her. After finishing his business he went to the 1st floor and met my 2nd sister. He greeted her but he was very puzzled why my sister was vain, must change her dress on different floor. Actually he thought the 2nd sister on the 1st floor was my 1st sister. Later he discovered he met two different ladies who resembled each other so much. We had a good laugh when he narrated the incidence to me. Luckily my 2nd brother in law was very sharp and alert every time he fetched my sister back from school to my mother’s house for lunch. Actually my 1st sister was also fetched by my 1st brother in law from the same school to the same house for lunch.
Uncle Lim was very proactive but always on low profile. As engineer, he made arrangements for the admission of my mother to the hospitals for operation when my mother had problem with her intestine. These hospitals included Pantai Hospital, Seremban Chinese Maternity Hospital and specialists in KL. Actually he wanted to make arrangement for my eldest brother in China to come to Singapore, and fetch my mother to Singapore to meet him because she missed her eldest son very much. This was an incentive for my mother to have will power to live longer. Unfortunately she could not wait that long. She passed away in August 1986 while my eldest brother could only arrive in Singapore in December 1986. Nevertheless Uncle Lim made lots of efforts with our family friends to make arrangement for my eldest brother to arrive in Hong Kong from ZhanJiang , then to Singapore to stay at the apartment of the friend of my eldest sister for a month. At the period no one from China could have the permits to visit Malaysia although Malaysia and China had already established the diplomatic relation since 1974.

Uncle Lim was an workaholic. Throughout his life span working in Seremban Town Council as Enginner , he never took vacation leaves except for attending family matters. However he would during tea breaks patronise the coffee shop (南珍）opposite the old market to have Hainan coffee and chats with his friends. During school holidays, he would fetch the family to PD, Frasers’ Hill and Cameron Highland for families gatherings. Many of us also joined the trips to the resorts. The only overseas trips he made were the Three Gorges of Yangze Cruise(长江三峡) with us brothers and sisters in 1997. Uncle Lim and sister went to England in 2001 to visit Jit Fong and family when Jit Fong was on duty for a short period there. They toured the famous Lake District . 2nd sister was very satisfied to have purchased few pairs of Clerk shoes. She keeps them until now. With us Uncle Lim & wife toured ShanDong of China(山东之旅) in June 2008 . They travelled to Kota Kinabalu with Jit Fong and family in June 2006 for holiday.
Uncle Lim liked the company of 1st and 3rd brother in law. They would joke and argue at times. Of course Uncle Lim was always the winner with his versatile knowledge.
All of us including our relatives and his friends love and respect Uncle Lim. We miss his laughter, his food and wish him rest in peace.

---

Chew Soo Chan @ Chou Kiok Lum (周淑珍) is my 2nd sister, born in 20/9/1936. She was married to my 2nd brother-in-law Lim Heng Shea in 30/01/1964.My 2nd brother in law was an engineer, born in 11/04/1932.

Due to Japanese occupation in Malaya, all schools were used to teach Japanese language only. In 1945 when the Japanese surrendered, all schools were reopened. All my elder sisters and brothers were admitted to standard one or two according to age. My 2nd sister and 4th brother were put in the same standard one, 3rd brother and eldest sister in the higher standards. In 1946 I was admitted to standard one at age of 6. So 2nd sister and 4th brother were only one year in senior to me. As such I was able to get acquainted to many of their classmates. During examination time（初中会考） , my 2nd sister would invite her classmates including 林馥莲, 丘美霞to study together in our house. They would stay overnight in our house. 2 of them I can remember well because they were good singers and won competitions.

2nd sister was very thrifty when young. However she was very generous with family members. When she started to work as a Primary School teacher, with her low salary, she would spend on us rather than on herself. With her financial aids, we could eat kway teow as supper. During that time we stayed on the 1st floor of the shop which had only 2 staircases, both at the back of the house. One in the middle which would lead to the shop downstairs while one at the back of kitchen where we used to carry water and firewood upstairs leading to the back lane. At night we used to tie a rope to a basket where we put empty bowls and slowly lowered it to the road downstairs through the middle window upstairs. We would then yell at the hawker who had the stall located at the end of the road. On hearing us, the attendant of the stall would come to our house (walking distance) to collect the bowl or delivered the food. Going through the backdoor staircase down to the back lane of the house to the stall was too dark for us. During those time, most of the shops were without front staircase. They were introduced later as the situation demanded.
2nd sister would also use part of her salary together with that of eldest sister financially support me to study in Malayan University and 4th brother to further study in Taiwan University. Both my 4th brother and I are extremely grateful to our sisters for their kind contributions.

2nd sister has 3 children, all boys in her family. She longed to have a girl added to her family so she could dress her well. Her dream fulfilled when she had 8 grandchildren in Bukit Rasah, 7 magnificent boys and one pretty girl. You could see her smiling face everyday looking after the granddaughter.

My sister in the early days was very strict with her 3 super active sons. I used to see her searching for the cane in the house to punish the children but never saw her beating them. She only used the cane as a weapon to threaten them. However when she raised the grandchildren who stayed in Bukit Rasah at early stage, she had never scolded the grandchildren. Even when they were naughty occasionally, she would only punish them with smiles. 2nd sister is a lady who loves every member of her family and our family. During early days when our mother was very sick, she would after school, kept our mother company, always talked to her and encouraged her to take care of herself. This happened in 1986 and earlier. Similarly 2nd sister was very kind to show her sisterly love when she always whenever she could visit eldest sister in her house when my eldest sister was sick. This took place during 2016 and earlier.
When the apple of her eye, Fang Min, her granddaughter was hospitalised in the Rasah Hospital in Seremban, she and Lay Guat, Fang Min’s mother would very regularly visit her everyday praying for her early recovery when Fang Min was only less than a year old then. That happened in 1997 when my 2nd sister toured the three gorges of Yangtze River (长江三峡). After the incidence, my sister would not leave the grandchildren for overseas tour until 2008 when they grew bigger.

2nd sister has a very strong character. She would not shed tears easily. I recalled when she sent her son Jit Hui to study in Singapore, it was the first time her son had to depart from her after so many years of his stay in Seremban. When she left the apartment that Jit Hui stayed, I could see she was very sad to leave him, yet she controlled her feeling. She would not succumb to anyone who tried to be unfair to her or us whether in her school or in our house.

2nd sister is a very good cook, but she had little opportunities to show off because her loving engineer husband would let her rest after teaching in school. She is like my eldest sister has green fingers. She is very artistic and her plants always grow well and healthy. I am very glad that she gave me some plants which I still keep until today. She also likes to keep the house clean and dust free. 2nd sister would find time earlier to pay visits to her son’s family in Singapore and in Kuching as she missed the grandchildren very much.

My sister is now 85 years old, very healthy except for her weak legs like all senior folks experience. Now she lives with Jit Hui & Lay Guat in Damansara Utama, happily taken care of by them. Her memory is excellent, still the encyclopedia of Chew family history. All of us respect and love her for her kind consideration, care and generosity. We wish her long life and good health.

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