Huh...

"Proximity only governs the simple relationships".

Damnnnnn, someone's getting wiser!

I'm starting to like my brain at 4 am in the morning.

posted from Bloggeroid

Revamp

So thanks to a little hiccough about a friend posting something on my blog's comment box (cbox) *cough Danny cough*, I needed to tweak my cbox.

This simple process took me 15 minutes to figure out because now comment-editing in the cbox is for premium users only (the free version lost a lot of its once-accessible perks). So I had to completely scrap the previous cbox, and create a new, cleaner one. Hopefully it'll stay that way.

Since I was at it, my needless tinkering made the color scheme lousy, so I revamped that as well with a new, standard layout. It kinda sucks that I'm ditching the green (since it's my favorite color) for this new orange feel, but since Blogger has an orange-colored logo, I'll let this one slide.

Plus, I've renamed the blog title to make it more sensible and less dramatic (it was "Gone with the Wind, Found in the Mist" last time... too much theatricality there). I still can't change the damn URL, but I suppose you can't win every battle.

Also, I've just purchased Broforce off Steam (which is a great party game) and have started playing Mad Max. So far, the latter's a lukewarm experience, but I'll still play it because it's open world.

And I'm still waiting on Neil to upload the Murder Mystery Party photos. Once that's up, I'll write about the event. It went well, but there were glaring errors once I ran the game. More on that next time.

Sharks in the Swimming Pool - Clairity

Idea

"... i remember a quote off somewhere. just cause you both like the same videogames doesn't mean you're perfect for each other. something along the lines of that. you seem to like her, but you also seem to really like the idea of her."

No truer words have been spoken. Whoever you are out there, I am going to love the hell out of you. Because 100% is the least I have.

posted from Bloggeroid

Hold

Okay, this would be another dreary self-question, so there's my warning shot.

Obviously this thought process spawned from the show which is Donnie Darko, and my boundless brooding.  Anyway, the show got me thinking about my "darkness", what Michael C. Hall's "Dexter" persona from the TV series of the same name would label as his "Dark Passenger".

I don't know how to describe it, except for the fleeting feeling you have when gravitating to a lone lit candle in the pitch black shade of night.  The flame is welcoming, as much as it reminds you of the clout of darkness lingering just outside light's influence.  It flickers, it dances in front of your eyes, beckoning you to come closer.  Without question, you comply.  And as you reach for the flame, you realize that you yearn for its existence as much as you want to deny it, for the growing fear of its potential.

That's my darkness.  I don't know when I've had (or developed?) it, but it's been around.  It's not like having a devil on my shoulder and an angel on the other, but it's more like having copies of myself fragmented into emotions.  My darkness is only seen when I look over my shoulder; he stands there, silent, and just looks on.

My first encounter was when I was around 16 years old.  Long story short, my friends and I were mugged one day after school, as this middle-aged man had intimidated us to surrender him our cell phones (I had none at the time).  Right after he left with the goods, I was consumed by this hatred.  It wasn't just that uncontrolled resentment to have ill-wishes for someone; I had malicious intentions.  I wanted to catch this guy, and really hurt him.  

I wanted to show him that the fear I had from his tough exterior and tattoos does not overshadow the (then-misled concept of) loyalty I had to my friends.  And although it had happened only for a brief time, there was no denying that I experienced my first genuine intention to inflict pain on someone else.  That was a terrifying experience: not to fight someone else but to fight yourself, to question your own trust.

I've only begun to acknowledge its existence when I started consuming more media on the darker side of life (although some of it is clearly fictitious).  Crime shows (CSI), murder mysteries (NCIS, Hannibal), etc... those lot made me realize the manifestation I am carrying within.  But it is a confusing thing to have, because part of me embraces it as much as I scorn at its existence, too.

And the worst thing about this darkness is shown by its tendency to corrupt the good.  I fear that on rare occasions I might be susceptible to that behavior, to observe how other people's light cope with the darkness which surrounds them. It is not out of bad intentions, but curiosity instead.

So here's the bigger question: how am I to share the whole of me with someone else, when this bad thing is part of me?  How can I risk hurting someone else, and let them see this - dare I say, evil that lies deep down inside?  How can it be fair for me to put this negativity out there, where it could lash around and injure those around me?  Is it selfish to think I'm the only person fighting with the inner darkness?  Is it wrong to think I'm gravitated to your darkness, because it might be a familiarity?  I'd like to think you have that darkness, because I want to be there with you, in the abyss.

All these questions...  and I've yet to even engage someone with these deep conversations due to its controversy, and the large ramifications which may follow.  I'm afraid to show people this side of me, because even I don't fully understand it myself.  

You could argue that I've mental disorder of sorts, and I would more than likely agree with you that I have some issues to work on.  I'm being realistic here: about half the population of the globe has experienced depression some point in their life (and I've been going through some recently - I just didn't diagnose it until recently). But here's my retort: which would you rather have as an issue: something tangible that affects others, or something intrinsic that only affects yourself?

And here's an honest question to cap this off.  What are your thoughts?  I am honestly curious what others feel/think.

Only One - John Butler Trio

Dark(o)

Finally took Jordan's advice to watch Donnie Darko (I watched the Director's Cut).  And my verdict?  My head was spinning at the end (probably because I couldn't wrap my mind around the conclusion).  But that's a good thing.  The movie took its time to incorporate so many elements into the plot, interweaving it with the surroundings of Donnie Darko, the main character.

Plus, it was different from what I was used to watching, where the director would include subtle hints or clues into the various sets of the shoot; Donnie Darko was unique in the sense that you feel the dread.  Or at least, I did.  Believe you me, I had to Google up an analysis of the show to fully understand the ending, but that's always a good thing, to have that "oh, right!" moment.  That's what constitutes a good show, in my opinion.

So yeah.  Go watch it.  I'll write another segment of how that movie made me feel.  Also, I'm considering being a part-time freelance writer.  But after a quick snapshot of the job positions out there, it seems that most of the employers are looking for travel journalist, like those you would read to visit a region.  Now, I've never properly traveled around Malaysia myself (something I'm aiming to rectify) so I can't write on those things with accuracy.  Furthermore, I don't think "highly opinionated football analyst-cum-short story writer" is in most job descriptions.  And let's be honest: this blog is in no shape or form, presentable, let alone to be shown to potential employers as a "hire me" piece.  

But who am I to sell myself short (I'm not, mind you)?  Ideally, there would be a job for me to look into writing critiques for movies, or for football analysis.  I wouldn't mind that one bit.

The Wanderer - Dion & The Belmonts

Kills

A little more of me died the further I read into this article on depression and anxiety. It kills me inside that I can't be there to help my best friend. 

She is stuck halfway across the world, and I am powerless to help her. She has battled depression since I've met her, and yet there's not a simple solution to curb this problem. It's been five years now. And although relatively speaking five years isn't long, compared to a lifetime, read that article and think again. 

If you know anyone going through a tough time, be there for them. You don't need to know what to do; just be in their presence. Listen to what they have to say. I have to be strong for her. Because if she can't see all the good in her, I must be there to shine a light. I need to be her light, even in my own darkness.

For she will do the same for me. Out of love, for a friend. 

With a heavy heart, may you be safe. And if I can't be there in your worst, then I don't deserve your best. And it is unquestionable and irrefutable, that you are the best. I will do everything possible, to remind you of that salient fact. That you, whoever reads this, be it the one, or the one hundred, are amazing.  Even if you don't believe it yourself, I do. 

For you, a thousand times over. 

Shine A Light - Banners

Comparison

I want to address what happened last night. It was no one's fault. Heck, I bawled my eyes out for a record-breaking 30 minutes. I didn't say it had been a pretty-looking catharsis. That was me, tossing and turning from being overwhelmed by many things.

First, I've just started coming to terms that I'm saying goodbyes to my friends, realizing that I'll be halfway across the world, and I might never see them again.

Second, I've been struggling with love, or whatever than means. I have not fallen this much for someone before, and I still can't call her my own, because she doesn't feel the same way. I don't know what love means (when it comes to a partner), because I've never felt it from someone else, outside of my family and close friends.

Thirdly, I miss my family. I have been away for so long that my baby cousins have grown to be toddlers, that toddlers are now in school learning basic information. I missed all of that, being there to tell everyone how I feel.

And lastly, I've been foolishly drawing comparisons to the world. As such, I was always selling myself short, rating myself unworthy, unsatisfactory, not good enough.

Perhaps that's why I can't find love. Because I don't fully love myself. Yeah. That sounds logical.

On another note, I had my unofficial testimonial football match today with the Malaysians. Didn't play my best, but it was definitely a great day. Plus, I think I might have a groin strain from all the lung-busting running. That's a good thing.

Here's the pic.

posted from Bloggeroid

Burn

I'm dying from an emotional turmoil. It's been a long time coming. But I'm starting to bade some proper goodbyes, and it'll only get worse from there.

My chest feels a force jamming it inward, and my side burns with a slow, seething glow of pain. I'm burning up inside and this fire is growing stronger, more violent, and I don't know if I can contain it.

I'm falling apart and it's just too much to bear right now. I've just been busy for so long that I've never had the time or energy left in the day to go through this. And now with the luxury of time, things are just overwhelming me.

I don't want to be alone. I just don't. So let me be vulnerable, for this time. Don't question me, just... let me be. This is my only request for you, dear friend, on this post.

posted from Bloggeroid

Rival

How can you live with yourself, knowing that your rival has beaten you at everything. That they've done all the things you've done, or want to do, only better?

I'm tired of being second-best. I'm tired of not living to my potential. I'm tired of not being my own unique person.

You've even taken my individuality from me. Now, I'm more machine than man, a standard issue construct churned out by society's idealism.

So what am I now? What am I but boundless potential amalgamated with unproven abilities? What are you? A rival? Dare I say an enemy? What??

Ah. Sorry. Brief ambiguous rant there.

On a sidenote, Pan (the Peter Pan remake), was terrible. So thanks for taking me out, Jordan. At least we had the same view on it.

posted from Bloggeroid

Martian

Referring to my previous post, I couldn't donate my plasma as BioLife needed clarifications from my hospital about my condition (since I have daily prescriptions, had been admitted to the hospital in the past year, and whatnot).  I'm still waiting for them to get back to me.  Some lunch money would be nice.

Disclaimer: The incompetent piece-of-ass of a bullshit router provided by the property management, which consistently upsets me further, is making this post much more aggressive than it sounds.  So screw you, useless DSL cable router.  Malaysia's connectivity isn't even as bad.  Cons of internet service monopoly by ICS Advanced Techonology in corporate America (sidenote, capitalism is not something I remotely fancied... more than ever now).

Moreover, I just watched The Martian (the movie).  It was pretty good.  And if I were to be very harsh, the book was better *mic drop*.

Now, to the actual reason for this post.

You know how I hate love hate when people insist that they know me.  Because the more you lead yourself to believe you know me, the more it just sounds like your narcissism filling in the gaps to what you think you know about me.  

It royally pisses me off that I have to correct you (in plural, subtle hint) for notions about me, before I even say a word to you.  Would it kill you to just listen and not insert a witty remark or a smart quip in every goddamn sentence I say?  Here's a crazy idea: listen to the full story, and what I have to say, and then formulate your questions.

If I had a reason to lie to you about anything, then why would I bother telling you about myself?  I'm not bloody in it for the glory.  And if I was that arrogant, then I'd be talking on a social media platform, and not in person.  If I wanted to lie to you, then I would have said "you're right".

That you're right about my life, about my choices, and my aspirations even when my thoughts had came first... from my own fucking brain.

So piss off.  Really.  I don't want your opinion.  

You'll damn well know if (not when) I do.

Fight For Your Right - Beastie Boys