Post

I'm not angry, no. Not upset, or annoyed, even about my actions dialing a few days back.

I am actually very surprised and confused at myself for making those decisions. And it took some reflective sessions and proper conversations to realize that.

So thank you, friends (you know who you are) for being there when I needed you most. Thanks for showing me my finer qualities, and for being open with me, to me.

Onward and upward.

posted from Bloggeroid

One

Here's a story. Because I need a coping mechanism. Plus, this isn't wholly accurate. So ignore it.



A dream and an abrupt waking kickstarted his mundane week. His exceptionally monotonous, bland, unemployment-ridden week.

He rolls over to his side, groaning, reaching out to grab his phone, laying just a few inches from his face, and checks the time. He taps on the phone screen, and the room glowed from the faint (but still uncomfortably bright) beam of light emitting from his phone:

4:02 am.

God damn it, he thought. He had only begun to sleep at 1 am (his routine nowadays) and his sudden awakening only meant one thing: his troubling thoughts got the better of him. For the umpteenth time.

He flips his phone shut, rolled onto his back, and started staring at the ceiling as he hears the wind whistling through the small opening in his window (he likes the ventilation). He knew what to do next.

This seems to be second nature nowadays, like he has developed his own psychoanalytic routine. He takes a big breath, exhales slowly with his eyes closed, and clears his throat. It's been a while since he's had to run the whole talk-out-your-problems exercise. With his hands cupping the back of his head, he started:

"Look, you messed up. She was not into you and had her own set of emotional problems to deal with. You could have kept it to yourself, like all of the other beauties you've met, but nooooo; you chose to be selfish for once and chose to satisfy your want at her emotional expense."

He closed his eyes, took another deep breath, and listened to the chirps of crickets outside. Let's be logical and rational now, he thought to himself, as he slowly reopened his eyes to adjust to the darkness. The room seemed more visible now.

"This is why you can't date your friends, man. If it works out, great. But has it ever worked out? That's a resounding "no", buddy. And what happens should (a very likely) rejection come out, well you'll need to start boarding the "Awkward Train" to Limbotown! Because things can't possibly be any less weird now."

He curses under his breath, clearly annoyed at his own ineptitude in dealing with his emotions. Sometimes the practice of emotional compartmentilization has its usefulness. Tonight's a startling reminder of that.

"You got close to her, became good friends- well, at least you see her as a good friend, and decide to make more than what you already have? I mean, come on! You had a good friendship, one with a girl, and that's really hard to come by for a schmuck like yourself, being all reserved and whatnot."

Another deep sigh, as he massages his forehead, pinching it while he shifts his body.

"Now let's play this out logically: she has told you that it's awkward for her and would like to remain friends, but we know this can't be forgotten. You don't fare any better. Heck, you're clueless and powerless on what to do next. So you guys do the thing that you don't want to do- which is to go your separate ways."

"Now you can somehow figure out the whole emotional compartmentilization thing and get on with it, so let's not worry about yourself. This isn't about you; it's about her. You don't know how she'll take it, and that concerns you, even though YOU don't want yourself to care about her, because you'll further complicate things."

Another deep breath, as the silence is disrupted by the rustling of tree leaves, swaying with the cool breeze of an ending summer.

"So what do you think happens? You leave her company as a friend-turned-more-on-his-own-accord thing, and she moves on with life, bearing this as some form of emotional baggage (because she has feelings, and you gave her that problem, you inconsiderate person)."

"You two will take time off interacting with one another, grow apart, and leave it at that. You, will fear that rekindling that friendship could lead to an escalation of sorts, so you become timid and cautious. And thus you might miss out on what could have been a great friendship should you not have fell for her."

He repositions his legs and glances over at his phone again. It's 5:08 am now.

"So was it worth it? Let's leave it at that, shall we?"

He forces a smile (out of disbelief, obviously) as he rolls onto his side, burying his face inside his pillow, and goes back to bed. Needless to say, getting back to bed might take a while. He wishes sleep was his biggest problem now.

End...?

posted from Bloggeroid

Who

Seems that love isn't for me right now (meaning for the past 4, 5 years). Things just act like square pegs in round holes, and (somewhat) simple stuff just get jumbled up into this rubber band ball of a mess for me to untangle.

Such is life, I suppose. Besides, what I'm looking for now is a companion. Can't you tell I've been slowly introduced to Doctor Who? David Tennant plays him well.

Until the next post, alons-y!

posted from Bloggeroid

Hat-trick

My right ankle was feeling funny before the game, but as it progressed it got worse from getting tackled from behind. Hobbled for a bit, but ran it off anyway. After reassessing it post-game, it might be a mild sprain-like knock. It should be fine within a day or two.

My other ankle connected with Justin's studs as we contested for a loose ball. And my left knee feels a little off when I apply pressure on it. Probably due to being tackled from behind yet again when I was planting my left foot for a volley.

Yep, just another honestly fun day playing football. Did I mention that I scored a hat-trick? One shot, one goal. Finally picking up some good form.

posted from Bloggeroid

Control

Lately I've been blogging quite a lot. I suppose it's a good sign: it means I'm letting out more and not bottling it up inside.

I wanted to write/talk about control. Mainly, emotional self-control. That might be having the discipline to not say the hurtful things when annoyed, or to not raise your voice and lose your temper when upset.

Discipline, to me, is what sets you apart from others when dealing with the pressure life constantly hurls at you; it is what makes or breaks you from being a better, bigger person (and not in a derogatory way that undermines others).

It is proven psychologically that children raise their voices to gain attention. This however, usually degrade's one's position, as it subconsciously shows the compensation taken to cover up their mistake.

When faced with an unfavorable situation, the best way to tackle the issue is to be calm about it. If someone insults you, it would probably be more beneficial to understand their reasoning behind it rather than going defensive and shooting back insults. The latter always leads to escalation, which is a huge no-no in any conflict situation.

The best way, is to take the verbal punishment, and tolerate it. Be calm about it, and speak with composure. Now, it's also good to speak your mind if you don't want recurrences. Note to be careful of what you say, as in the end, it's always a case of respect.

Everyone, including the robber in that dodgy alleyway, wants respect. Although sometimes they don't deserve it, it doesn't mean that you have the right to take that away from them.

Needless to say, this post stems from an altercation between two of my housemates regarding money one owes the other. Yes, it's a sensitive topic, which is why it should be approached with care, respect, and control.

Thanks to my gift of having ridiculous amounts of empathy, I'm adversely affected, too. Just had to ruin my damn day.

So keep your emotions in check. Don't go ruining someone else's day. You might deserve it, but they sure as hell don't.

On a sidenote, I feel like I should write another short story soon. Seems like I'm missing that: emotional rant - check, life update - check, poetic/ambiguous segment - check, short story of randomness - pending.

Well, onward and upward.

posted from Bloggeroid

Amber

So I'm almost 100% conceding to the notion that I'll be leaving for Malaysia. I've yet to tell everyone of this, but I'll need some time to swallow reality still.

I didn't intend to leave this early, but my hand is being forced.  My only option is to enroll in a program, and it seems that it might be too late to enroll in one for the Fall.

So I say this with a heavy heart, that I lost, once again.  The compounding factor behind this sadness is that I was so close to making it.  I got a job (okay, maybe I didn't settle my transportation issues), but I was on the verge of working for one of the biggest companies in Microbiology (in my opinion).  I was so eager to step out into the real world, yet a simple and avoidable mistake from months before comes back to bite me in the ass.

However, one of the biggest disappointments would be to you, the lady with the amber eyes.  You know who you are, and I shall remain cryptic on this front.  I'm still working on me expressing my thoughts and feelings, and I apologize for being unable to articulate this to you in person.  It is a shame that we've only so little time left to remain in each other's company.  I had this golden play written in my head, ran countless of times to make things work, and yet a spanner has been thrown into the works.  I truly wish that you feel the same way I do.  And if you don't reciprocate, well... it won't be for long anyway.  I would be lying if I said I didn't wish for this golden play to be salvageable.

Gotta have a little faith, eh?

Stars Fell on Alabama - She & Him

Effect

Unfortunately the WiFi at the my new place is being a toolbag to my laptop. So I'll just have to resort to blogging via Bloggeroid on my phone.

I've recently had numerous chatters with Chin from back home, for the past few days. Among the things we've talked about, the Westermarck Effect was brought up.

To sum it up, it is defined as a "hypothetical psychological effect through which people who live in close domestic proximity during the first few years of their lives become desensitized to sexual attraction."

And when I think about it, it makes sense from my relationship/love life standpoint. I'm the kind of guy that needs to be a friend before I can be something more. And whoever I fall for is mainly the people I interact with the most. Student councils, academics, whatever.

Maybe I'm not living in close proximity, or that I am not forward enough with people. But I've known these people so well, for so long, that I've seen them less as friends.

I see them more as family.

And that's what they are to me, still. Family, who I cannot rank less of, than that. You see, my ranking of intimacy goes from friend, to partner, to family. And I can't date family. That's like going after my sister (blergh!).

And you just can't have a step down as easily as it is to move up the rung. Especially living away from family, my friends become my support group. And that may be just it.

Or it's just another excuse to comfort myself. Anyway, I'll live. It's worked out so far.

posted from Bloggeroid