Peering

It seems that as I age, I begin to act with less shame in mind.  Sure it may open new doors, but old ones close as well.  The good doors, sometimes.

In an effort to understand one's back-story, their pain, their sadness, their anger, I've peered too deep into their lives...  I didn't intend for this to happen, but the more I dug, the more I wanted to understand him/her.  Not knowing hurt more than hearing about their troubles, having to nod and listen but not having a clue of its origin, it was the itch I couldn't scratch.  And I needed to sooth the itch before I bleed.  Before I knew it, I was near the point of uncovering secrets.

Secrets are meant to be kept that way, a secret.

As a result, I violated our unspoken boundaries of friendship.  I violated his/her life. I violated our trust.  I invoked the anger I hoped to prevent.  I'm not proud to say this, but I broke rules.

Some rules aren't meant to be broken.

Here I sit, in my stool, as I unknowingly forge a throne of thorns.  I've severed a good, promising friendship and left it dangling by the threads.  And as every fiber slowly spins into its breaking point, I'm left with a losing dilemma: savor what's left and walk away, or try to reach the other end of the string and pray that it doesn't snap.

I am a violator.  I damn well deserved to be punished by my own hands, let alone someone else's tongue.  

Nothing Else Matters - Metallica

Harsh

I have harsh opinions,

because I strip away emotions,

like the flesh from bone,

left discarded until I need some patching up.

The pain's searing,

but lesser than that,

of disappointment and stabs,

down the chest,

below the left lung.

I then reclaim my heart,

and the emotions flood back,

like an engulfing mold,

creeping across the precipice.

Regret returns,

rage returns,

pain returns,

logic leaves,

the damage is done.

Person apologizes,

but personal philosophy,

refuses to take it back.

Thus a legacy remains,

of a crown of thorns,

a self-proclaimed king,

but their sheep leads his lions.

And his cubs,

he prays they stumble upon these,

and not mourn behind stone pallets,

but nod in silence instead.

Blurred Lines - Robin Thicke ft. Pharrel

Chicago

The 4th of July represents the Independence Day for the United States.  Thus, Gordon grabbed Yen Fei and I along for a 6-man vacation to Chicago, Illinois to witness firsthand how it was celebrated there.

So the 6-hour roadtrip resulted in a overexposure of Gordon, Yen Fei, and my personal stories.  Hearing theirs, which were rather saddening and moving, filled with trials, makes me feel like I'm a sucky person.  I mean, I've always had it easy and I guess as much as they will not want my sympathy, I can't help but feel sad for the situation.  It was also rather therapeutic to just lay it all out for friends to listen to your story, sort of like a coming clean scenario.  

The drive back from Illinois was more personal though, as they talked about their intimate relationships and how they think their partner should be treated, touching on stuff mainly from second base.  Honestly, I felt extremely exposed and awkward during that time.  I guess I wasn't used to discussing about these issues, like how to kiss a lover and things along those lines.  But those two weren't flaunting or boasting; it was just a healthy discussion on personal matters.  Moreover, I guess I was a bit sad at that moment as I've yet to have those emotions, to experience that moment.  Sigh... the hopeless/ hopeful romantic in me.  I suppose that I'll need more time to get accustomed to that topic, but I respect whatever they said.

In fact, the talks made me feel more invigorated.  I've gotten more determined to find that special someone, and I have grown significantly wiser from the roadtrip.  Simply put:

"Epiphanies in contact.  This resolve is made from being broken!"

I'll upload some pictures once Leo gets them up, as he had good shots on his camera.  My phone, not so much.

Farewell, for now.

With a Little Help from My Friends - Jim Sturgess