Cheat

I just learned that one of my closest friends cheated on another good friend of mine. He cheated on her for ten months, according to her.

There was nothing I could've done about it. But I can be there for her now.

Believe victims.

I'll await until the dread finally settles in. Right now, I'm just numb.

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Sort

What's this? A double-post in a day? Yeah... I'm in Seremban for the day and the boredom is starting to set in. So I'm scouring through my drafts to post them.

This was from early June this year.



"It seems like you haven't found closure, yourself".

Honestly, I haven't really sat down to properly ruminate on that. While I think that I had lived my life without regrets, it seemed that I exhibited bitterness when I talked about "what if's".

So... Have I worked out my past issues and made peace with them? Some of them, yeah. As for the fringe cases, I don't know if I can ever do that. I'll just have to eventually come to terms with them. Until then, I'll do my best to not be over-encumbered by my past decisions.

I want to see the best in people, that when put in a tough situation, make the best decision, to the best of their knowledge at that given moment.

It might not be the nicest, or correct call, but that's the demand of pressure.

I might not agree with their choice, or their decision, but I cannot take away their thought process.

So why am I the exception to my own rule? Well, that's something I need to work on.

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Kiss

I couldn't explain it. My hand holding onto her face, the universe staring back through her eyes.

"I really want to kiss you right now", my voice ran deep, the weight of those words sinking to the pit of my stomach. I've never felt so exposed, in the unfamiliar setting of her apartment couch.

Her eyes never shifted. "You can, if you want to". She sounded calm, as if she pierced through my facade. My mind ran blank as I pulled my body towards hers, and our lips met.

For once, I knew I wasn't alone. For once, I was truly in love.

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Fixed

I made my first investment!

Finally! After 3+ years of hoarding it all in my savings account due to the fear paralysis.

All it took was a proper shakeabout, a personal finance workshop, and a bit of courage to kick my butt into doing something about growing my wealth.

Now, to build on it and learn up on other things I can invest my money in.

TLDR: once you have enough money to establish a parachute/emergency fund, go put it in some fund and not leave it to stagnate in your savings account with its paltry 0.2% interest rate.

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Sun

Wow... This was a year overdue... stuck in draft limbo. Welp, here it is!

My body shifted so slightly, as the slit of sunlight breaking through the window hits my face. I tried to move, but my body refused, reminding me of last night's roaming.

I gathered more strength and rolled onto my side, breathing a sigh of relief. I've never liked sleeping on my back, let alone in an unfamiliar setting of a backpacker's motel.

From across the room, my friend awakes, her frizzy hair and squinted eyes showing the lack of sleep we had. I remained in bed, reluctant to acknowledge the start of our day.

I'll need some time to get used to this, sharing a room with a girl, seeing her get ready for the day, fixing her hair, putting on makeup, packing up for the day, and of course, cheesy phone calls in the morning with the boyfriend.

This definitely doesn't ease any of her boyfriend's insecurities of me as her friend.

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Revise

Just a little reflection piece on the existence of this space.

You know, writing, and I guess, content creation as a whole, is hard. It's a commitment, and unfortunately, it takes up a lot of time and energy to do this!

And having subscribe to numerous YouTube channels and podcasts, I am beginning to see the amount of effort required, even from myself, to provide content. Because that's ultimately what this blog is about. Content.

This space has served so many purposes, from opinion pieces, to creative expression, to diary/journal entries, and it's the creator's dilemma on churning out content versus providing quality reads.

I feel as though I'm not providing enough content for this space, and that's frustrating. But on the flipside, it's because I'm making/implementing positive strides in my life that I don't need to turn to this space.

I guess all I'm saying is that I'm aware of this place, and that even though the audience is ultimately just going to comprise of me, that I'll work to provide better content.

I'll also need to dig up a bunch of drafts I've left behind so... Watch this space!

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Lean

These past months have been pretty crazy. Here's the reason.


The things you've made me do:

- Read up on dog breeds which are hypoallergenic and don't shed, due to your asthma
- Study Malaysian spiders as I re-explore my issue with the fear of cockroaches
- Plan for events six months ahead instead of living week by week
- Re-learn what it means to interact with strangers, and liking them
- Learn to be more expressive of my feelings and emotions
- Memorise lyrics to Disney songs
- Understand that it's okay to shift arm positions even when I'm too preoccupied with holding your hand
- Shamelessly gobble up more than one serving of food
- Spend money on others rather than myself

The things you've prevented me from doing:

- Not be loved

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Brain

Mini-rant, for toxic objectification of people and how unintelligent the workplace can be.

I scoff at your basal desires of beauty. That what constitutes as physical beauty can only result in men preying over her and nothing else.

It's laughable how compliments cannot be taken as face value for being just words of affirmation, that there is some ulterior motive, to be acted upon in tandem with praising one's physical appearance.

To the new girl, I don't know you, but I'm sorry your first impressions here involved you being reduced to just your looks. You deserve so much better.

After-note: read your fucking emails. Don't find me for a non-issue if you can't read messages in which the issues have been resolved.

Organise your damn self, because I am exhausted of the handholding, and not accomplishing what I'm set out to do.

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Move

Took me a while to post this up.  I've had it as a draft for... two weeks, now?  Yep.

Annoyingly, Ariana Grande's "Thank U, Next" is playing on an internal loop.

 

I've had days to think this through. To process the grief, to guilt myself with the biggest secret I've kept from my family for over a year.  It's a gutshot, to be plain.  Because it was abrupt.  But I know you.  It must have killed you inside for you to make that decision.

I understand.  I want to liken my friends and say that I can't fathom it, but I get it.  To that extent, I do know you.  As a results, I can feel you, too.

I'm saddened, but I'm also hopeful, optimistic, and passionate for the future.  In the recent days, I've learned to appreciate how much I've grown when we were together.  I hope you had the same sentiments.  

You've always had my back.  Even when I'm feeling down and stressed out post-us, I can hear you cheering me on.  It's not a yearning of what it could have been, but an appreciation of what was made.  

Thanks to you, I can love someone else. I love you, until I eventually don't. I honestly hope you feel the same.  You take care, now.

Thank U, Next - Ariana Grande

Midnight - Tor Miller

Devoid

I'm trying something out here, in which I'll vomit out my thought process with minimal edits and no review. All without context, because I'm an idiot and it's my say-so. Here goes:



This is a "it's not you, it's me" situation.

It's not your fault. You couldn't change her. You could work on yourself, but this isn't about you now. It's her. This is her choice.

You can either reject it, or accept it. Nothing you do can influence this outcome. Only she has the power to change this.

Nothing has changed, in a good way. You're still in a good spot. You're alive. She's alive. Just untethered from one another. Isn't that your choice, though? Thinking that you were somewhat connected despite all the adversity out there?

Never mind that. No victim blaming. You don't win here. You can only pick yourself up and move on. Keep moving. You've done this before. Ish. Well, not really.

Take a breather. Go for that stupid run to put your fragility into perspective and reforge yourself.

You've always wanted the ball on her court to be passed on. She's made her decision. What's yours?

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Stage

I seem to cry a lot in cars. I cried just last night. I was driving home from work, so you can imagine how hard it is when your vision is impeded by internal factors.

I walked right into that trap, though. I wanted to re-listen the A Star is Born discography.

Of course, it was the final song (arguably the saddest song) which triggered this. I thought about my grandfather. I recounted how it has been 10 years since I lost him. I reminded myself how badly I miss him.

That night, I received news that my granduncle (younger sibling to aforementioned grandfather) was diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer shortly after he was admitted to the hospital with pneumonia.

Granduncle stated that if he's given the option, he will refuse medical support to prolong his life. I understand and respect his decision. He's already out-lived my grandfather by a decade, even out-smoking him to boot.

We paid him a visit yesterday. Doctor's gave him three months. He's been bemoaning how it's gonna take that long, and has been demanding for a cool Sarsi drink ever since. I guess I got my dry sense of humour from this side of the family.

It's interesting how we process death, once we can see it coming. A relief, somewhat.

I've had a whole decade to learn and process how I feel about death. I think I've begun to accept it, as opposed to lashing out and rejecting it.

I guess one way or another, we'll learn that it's inevitable. We can only do our best to wait for that moment.

* update on 13/02/2019 *

Granduncle passed away at 1 pm earlier that day. As much as it helps to know the inevitable, you can never really prepare for the day that comes.

At least he'll be in the good company of his elder brother, and they can have all the Sarsi/Kickapoo they want.

Although I didn't know him very well, that doesn't mean I love him any less. Rest in peace, Chek Kong. You had a real good run.

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2018

Year in review! I try to make it an effort to catalog my life as I move through phases and even then, my waning memory can forget or overlook recent events.

So here's my self-reminder of 2018's best hits.

Black Panther - this show was so early in the year that I oftentimes forget that Spiderman Homecoming and Infinity War (edit: forgot about Ant Man and the Wasp as well) were featured in the same year. Marvel had a good year ahead and look to build on their franchise, while DC bumbles through the painfully wayward Justice League.

Langkawi - a 13-person trip with my secondary school buddies was always gonna be a tricky arrangement. Thankfully the trip had minimal hitches and the team really pulled through.

GE14 - A start of "Malaysia baru". And although it's early stages, this cabinet is a younger, more progressive group of muppets still. Only time will tell if they'll be good on their word.

Personal wellbeing - whether it be dating, exercise, or building connections. I've begun taking bigger steps to watching my diet (on some, sparse occasions) and I've been pushing myself to exercise more. Plus, an obvious bonus that I've been dating someone.

The XX live - been too long since I went to a concert. This was pretty good, at a not-ideal location. Forgot how early in the year this was.

Revisiting the US - getting to revisit the (so far) best years of my life has profound implications. It was a time warp with many inflections as I went through pre-reverse culture shock in a warped landscape (mainly due to the change in leadership).

Magic: The Gathering - this was my official first foray into MTG as a player and hobby. I have made so many friends as a result and have understood myself more as a person through playing with cardboard (I know, right?). Being a somewhat complex game (moderate floor, high ceiling), you naturally interact with smart people and that's always a good thing.

Finished my book - yep! Now I don't know how to publish it.

That was 2018 in a nutshell. Here's to a better 2019, as I'm hitting the supposed prime years of my life.

Time to live up to my expectations.

With determination and love,
Fang

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