Turn

When the future is too muddled to see, I can't help but look back (and sometimes regress).  But I know I've gone far, and I still have fuel in the tank.

This semester has been honestly, pretty shitty.  I'm sure the preceding posts are indicative of that.  But you can't always get what you want.  All this hard work and strife will come good some day, I'm damn sure of it.

So I've had an uneventful Thanksgiving break, filled with damage control, classes and work; so I have a piling workload for the weeks to come plus finals.  I'll just have to face it.

Reiterating the wise words of the egomaniac Dr. Precival Cox of the medical sitcom Scrubs: "It doesn't get any easier; you just get better."

And I shall get better.  I would like to credit Seabird for their rendition of Sometimes, which is the reason behind this post.  At least lyrics still hold weight in this era of nonsensical bass-driven pop music.

Sometimes - Seabird 

Drop

Yep, I damn right dropped the ball.  In fact, I made it blatantly obvious, too.

Maybe I just wanted to play the villain for once, that I wanted to dip my feet in chaos and darkness, that I wanted to be branded the bad guy.

Or perhaps I just wanted to be noticed.

Yeah.  It was probably both.  

Never again, Fang.  Don't you bloody dare pull that off again.

Five Hours - Deorro

Falling

I'm still bogged down by stress and personal issues, emotionally and physically (I've been having back aches for almost a month now, not to mention significant hair loss).  Malaysian Cultural Night 2014 is officially over.  Yet I don't feel any sense of accomplishment.  

I danced my butt off, surprising many (which was great), had received good reviews from the AMSISU advisors on the play (I was the script writer), including H.E. Datuk Dr. Awang Adek Hussin, the Ambassador of Malaysia.

But it still doesn't feel right.  Perhaps it's because I wasn't acknowledged by my fellow peers, or that my name in the booklet was glaringly misspelled (Fang Hao Leong, anyone?), or that no one had taken the time to talk to me before, during or after the event (bar Yen Fei, thanks).

Because as much as I am a "renaissance man" to my professor (I'm his Teaching Assistant), Rob Hubert, I am but a forgotten man to others.  And as harsh sounding as it is, nothing I've seen thus far can disprove even a shred of this notion.

From the exclusion of the "Best MCN Committee Ever" photo by the Production Director, to the lack of respect shown towards me, and the teams of which I had worked with.  It just wasn't good enough.  Upon looking at Adli's reaction once the event had ended, it had only enforced the idea that I wasn't wallowing in self-pity; we were equally disappointed, and it didn't have to be conveyed through words.

Sometimes I wonder why the hell do I work so hard for others.  Am I really empowering others?  Heck, was there even moment of self-empowerment?  I can't say such things with confidence anymore.  

Pull My Heart Away - Jack Penate

Dip

Dipping Dots. That's the first time I've heard of that ice cream brand. I learned that over Tong Shao's memorial today. She was interning at that company, and she was going places, although I've never met her myself. Now I will never have that privilege.

Her memorial at Central Campus today was as tragic as it was beautiful; seeing so many friends, family and strangers gather for the mourning of one of our own is the utmost touching and painful thing I have witnessed in my two years here in The States.

As James Dorsett, director of ISSO said earlier today during her memorial: "A parent's only wish is that their children live past their age, but it's a shame when the old people outlive the young".

I immediately told my parents that I love them, and I'm overwhelmed by the guilt of not telling them this salient fact sooner, without any influence.

Now I sit here alone in my apartment, with a runny nose, my third bout of gut-wrenching waterworks, hoping to reach a drunken stupor. I'm sorry, but life is a damn cruel game.

Rest in peace, Tong Shao. Send Dillon Ruby my regards as well.

posted from Bloggeroid

Scrubs

Another short post to sequester (my favorite new word) the previous one.  I've liked everything about her: the poise, the wit, the panache.  I just don't love it.  Eventually, you learn to silence the loneliness by keeping yourself occupied.  It's just another coping mechanism, I suppose.

Thank you, Scrubs for teaching me more lessons about life.  I've been re-watching the series for the past three weeks now, and it was a pleasant surprise.  Behind all the slapstick humor and ridiculous, over-the-top gags, there was a deeper, underlying meaning to the show, something unnoticeable until I surpassed the 2 decade-threshold.

Also, it seems that I've grown less and less tolerant of the inefficiency of others.  Being in my Senior year has reminded me that this will be my last Fall season as a student.  I can't waste time dawdling on someone else's ineptness.  Soon, I'll experience my last snow skirmish, my last useful implementation of snow boots, and my last day as a student, and eventually my first day in the real world.  I'm getting queasy just by the thought of it... yikes!

Gonna try out the FIFA 15 Demo later today, once I regain the services of my gamepad (keyboard bindings can't be tweaked... idiots).  So far, the Ignite engine looks phenomenal versus the current-gen models.  Now, to bolt off for an early dinner before a three-hour-long committee meeting for Malaysian Cultural Night.

Oh, and happy Mid-Autumn Festival.

My Favorite Faded Fantasy - 

Damien Rice

Past

You know what?  Forget trying to be optimistic.  Forget fooling yourself into thinking that it'll work.  A partnership involves BOTH parties to come to consensus.  Ignore timing.  Ignore the outliers.  Ignore the statistics.  Ignore the compatibility. 

It all boils down to a spur of the moment, gut feeling.  And that's what despises me the most, because I am ill-equipped for spontaneity.

It's been like this for four years.  I suppose I can wait a little longer.

Trees - Twenty One Pilots

Solve

Justin and I are back to being friends again (which happened some two, three weeks back).  So yay!  It's just that one big fight that derails things momentarily.  Back to cracking one-liners and exchanging banter; it feels great to regain a friend.

Anywho, Summer's coming close to an end.  Past the drama of the Malaysian Midwest Games 2014, the adventure of the ASM Conference 2014 at Boston, the hustle and bustle of Summer classes, the trials of having hyperthyroidism, the mind-bashing task of fleshing out an original drama script single-handedly, the spectacle of which is the Iowa State Fair and the impact of being an International Orientation Leader, it's been a crazier three months than anticipated.  Life just loves to throw in that late right hook to take you off-guard.

I'll just talk about the International Orientation, which happened from Monday to Wednesday, in separate sessions.  Besides the two-day crash course of a training session under the new ISSO Orientation Coordinator, Silas Pippitt (top-class bloke, just full of humor and passion), I felt under-prepared to serve as an orientation leader.  

This was by no comparison an equivalent of the Destination Iowa State (DIS) orientation; students coming into this orientation program know the bare minimum of things, and as such we orientation leaders must know almost every detail of things to the nine.  Things like dining options, course credits, document drop-offs, how to get around campus, and all that jazz are the few of many things I get asked.

Regardless, we team leaders (21 of us) handled the tasks given with aplomb.  At least, most of us did.  There were some people who were rather unprofessional.  To be blunt, I felt like an adult stuck with a bunch of kids for peers; some were just goofing around and did not properly represent Iowa State University as an established student in The States.  Over our post-orientation debriefing, I assumed the bearer of bad news and criticized the team for lacking these attributes.  We simply weren't good enough.

If there's one thing that I can take from my recent class of Speech Communication 212 (ridiculously fun class), your body language and word choices shape your audience's perception of you as a speaker.  Words like an abrupt "follow me" or "let's go" are reserved for lap dogs, and not for a dozen-or-so group of naive, clueless incoming students, with some not having English as a proficient language.  Some team leaders yanked their team by a leash, and I felt that injustice was given.  

Thankfully, the members present during our debriefing took the advice really well and learned from it.  At least, I would like to think so.  On that note, here are some pictures of my experience of being an ISSO Orientation Leader.

Snapchatted it

My group for Day Two (College of Design and Engineering).  Great peeps

Yeah.

Majority of the team leaders

So yeah, I'll leave it there.  Wow, my knees are about to drop from the three hours of futsal.  Whooop!

Re: Stacks - Bon Iver

Talk

Well, it's been a week already and things are starting to cool off.  No passive aggression from both sides, with about two sentences being the daily verbal quota.  It's progress, which is good.

Also, ISU got accepted to host the 3rd Annual AiSO Conference next Spring.  I'm super excited!

Chandelier (Four Tet Remix) - Sia

House

As Frank Underwood from "House of Cards" would say: "Friends makes the worst enemies".

I couldn't agree more.  I've done this bad habit two/three times already, and the recent one was my fault, to be fair.  But he goes to great lengths and brands me on social media, instead of coming to have an educated, and rational approach with me and talk things over.

I'll let you be the judge.  Here's the excerpt:

Him to Me:

would very much appreciated it if you could wash your dirty dishes. Your housemates need them for tonight's dinner. robbing 67% of all household cutleries is not cool.

Me: 

Washing them now

Since we're having this conversation, I would like to show you our drying rack. Notice the crusty things there? Those are opportunistic pathogens, capable of forming biofilms to increase its hardiness in adverse environments. Failure to drain habitats leads to increased proliferation of these microbes. Having utensils and cutlery placed face down is inviting a trip to the hospital and painful gastrointestinal disorders. I've been very tolerant, I only expect the same fair treatment.

Him:

Very enlightening. Tolerance is such a strong word to use considering what you have been doing for almost the past year (almost). Countless messages have been directed to me, you, george and vincent. All of us are doing our part independently. Also not washing the dishes invites pest carrying germs( which you pointed out earlier, thank you) like cockroaches to roam around our apartment. I figured you need to be encouraged and what other way to do it than online.

Me:

I can say the same thing to you.

Him:

Talking to you is like reading sarah palin's book, its utterly useless. I am ignoring you. You can tell me how much to pay for bills and all that. That is it.

Me:

You know, you're right. I'm sorry for lashing out at you. I'll be around the apartment and you can take however long you want to talk to me. I apologize, and that is simply it.

Honestly, I lied.  That wasn't an apology: it was a cease-fire.  There was no way that he would just resolve this rationally, and escalation will just fuel the fire.  Apologizing wasn't the right thing for me to do; it was the necessary thing for me to do to shut him up (and sway the audience).  

After that, I went to his room to apologize in a calm, rational manner.  What I expected was definitely quashed by reality.  Instead of a calm rational conversation, like an upset kid, he avoids eye contact and can't even justify his reasons ("I told you once and twice, now the third time will make you listen").  

Now, he's no angel himself.  Besides the contamination above, he's wasted electrical power (which comes out of my pocket, since I pay for it at first), he's wasted food (by improper storage), he's extremely loud while playing video games late at night, and it goes on.  As egocentric as it is, I know that I've done less and deserved more.  The reception doesn't equate the deeds, apparently.  

Goes without saying, you can never see the knife coming at such a close proximity.  I've grown to be a very tolerant person, taking a ridiculous amount of shit and bad things without breaking stride.  Doesn't mean that I am as unflinching as hurt.  

I'm starting to believe that I am a sociopath.  Forget the connections you can have, it simply takes someone with lower cognitive ability to muddle everything.  Brain over heart, logic over emotions.  Now, I'm just gonna vent my anger in declining productivity.

The worst part is how betrayed I feel.  That alone is enough pain to sever a heart out.

The Devil Is A Lie - Rick Ross and Jay-Z

Ward

After another normal soccer session with friends, I find myself the following morning having excessive weakness in my arms and calves, not being able to prop myself up nor to even crawl on all fours.

Now, this isn't the first time that this had happened: this was the fourth. Now the previous three just saw me sleeping it off, but this case drew the last straw. Thus with the help of Ban Joo, I paid the Thielen Student Health Center a visit. Of all the potential outcomes I have pictured, the chain of events that followed were no where near my expectations.

The doctor, Dr. Frischke, was perplexed with my symptoms. No pain, fever, tick bites nor night sweats; only weakness. After having blood tests and an EKG, I had critically low potassium levels (1.6 of the normal level 3.5). Now for a bit of biology: potassium channels in cell surfaces play a part in muscle activity. Low potassium leads to weakened muscles.

Fearing heart failure due to the low potassium, I had been rushed to the hospital for further testing. Now, this was my first time being admitted to the hospital, and to top it off I was sent via an ambulance due to my inability to walk. Jarod and Jim, the paramedics took good care of me and kept me comfortable for my quick drive to Mary Greeley Hospital.

There was a long series of tests once I was.admitted, including three more blood extractions (two venous blood and one arterial, which hurt like Hell), heartbeat monitors, periodical blood pressure checks, consuming some nasty concoction for my potassium deficiency (which tasted all too much like a jello shot) and some paperwork. In between, I snuck two naps as I had nothing else to do, resulting in two nurse wakey-uppies.

Once I was seen by the two doctors working on me, I was finally moved to my personal ward, which was very fancy. Apparently I was moved to the new wing, which looks much more like an apartment in Mont Kiara, with nice wooden flooring and square terrazo tiles in the restroom, with a wall-hung big screen TV and proper lighting matched by the air-conditioning.

The nurse who was part of my care team hooked me up on an IV (which also hurt a tad) to replenish my magnesium and potassium levels. Note, at this point, I was poked five times, in different regions in both my arms. Good thing I'm accustomed to blood donations. She also mentioned that I probably have Hypokalemic Periodic Paralysis, leading to a over-depletion of potassium. This was a rare disorder and no one in my family has this. Being a genetic disorder, this condition is a gut-wrenching reality.

I also donned an over-sized gown, touching my ankles and exposing my chest when I stand upright. As a precaution, I was (and currently am) strapped to a portable heart monitor, with many sticker-tags spreading from my left side across my heart, lungs, all the way to my right side. At this point I've gained all muscular functions again and can freely move about. The question is how long I can maintain the proper levels of potassium.

So now I'm stuck here overnight with a super comfy bed and a Season 3 recap marathon of Castle, and 7 buck meals for virtually a whole bunch of food. Now if only I can lay on my side without the EKG cables being uncomfortable or detach (could make someone assume I'm dead, which is a no-no).

I'll be consulting my doctor tomorrow on the nitty gritty stuff regarding my condition. Fingers crossed. Before I snooze, here are a couple of pics.





*update as of 3rd July*

I met with ANOTHER doctor (nextdoor to Mary Greeley) and they are pretty sure it's hyperthyroidism.  It is also noted that hyperthyroidism can lead to lowered potassium levels, which can cause hypokalemic periodic paralysis.  Upon another checkup by two endocrinologist, it was noted that my thyroid has swelled to three times the normal size.  Right now, I'm under medication to reduce my thyroid's activity and beta blockers to prevent heart failure (again, potassium is involved in muscle activity).  I've to avoid three weeks of vigorous activity (heartbroken) and not consume too much carbs, until the next follow-up appointment with the same endocrinologist.  Well, at least it isn't rare anymore.

posted from Bloggeroid

Sole

Everyone has friends to return to, the bunch of peers that they oftentimes interact with.  

Me?  I'm a drifter.  

I get along with most people, and join their group of friends for the occasion, whatever it may be.  I have no "default" group of friends, and thus I chill out with almost any given person.  

As a result, I have been stuck in the gray area of social circles, not too close of friends to mostly everyone, constantly remaining right outside everyone's loop.  

Everyone has friends to return to; I (unfortunately) don't.

He Used To Be - The Right Now

Naive

You want to thank someone for making enough money to cover her phone bill, at 21 years old, lauding her as the "first amongst us (high school friends, to support part of her expenses)"?

Don't be any more biased. That will seem unnatural.

I've shuffled two jobs for the past year so that I've enough to cover my rent and meals, and I don't even consider my phone bill as excusable.

As selfish as this is, why don't Kevin, Danny or I (who three study abroad) deserve any acknowledgements or plaudits? Because we seem to be under the radar, just low enough to be under-appreciated. Note, I'm representing myself, and not of the two guys I've mentioned. The mindset of some people...

P.S: Credit to the lass who has worked hard and is truly deserving of her payroll. I simply disagree with the feedback towards her achievement.

posted from Bloggeroid

Deviants

In a fraction of a second, the brain registers the first impressions and thoughts of whatever information it receives.  See, whatever comes after the initial impression is full of emotional ties in place of pragmatism.  In that opening jiffy, my "first impressions" gave me a further glimpse into my emotion-less, exclusively logic side.

With no censorship in effect, I thought:

Religion convinces people they're free, but in a shroud of shackles.  

Now, if you found that statement offensive, then I would advise you to stop reading.  If you want to make your blood boil by a college student's provocative thought process, then by all means, stay for some entertainment.  What I talk about is more towards agnosticism, and not atheism.  To put it out there bluntly, I respect people's right for a religions belief and do not wish to patronize them; this writing is about me, and solely my thoughts on religion.

I'm a Buddhist, but Buddhism is not as much as a religion as it is a way of life.  In it's teachings, it explicitly mentions that if you were to find a better reason of belief, then by all means adopt it instead.  That's what I am, and I've been this way for a good 5 years or so, and I'm not drowning in a pool of disarray or insecurity.

What I am, is a deviant.  Not all deviants bring injustice, it's just a different culture to the main practice.  Having tattoos is a deviant, that doesn't mean that it deserves harsher treatment from society.  It is what it is, as deviants do not equal crime.

In my opinion, religion is imposed to keep people in check, so that they know what NOT to do.  Religion is good at that, I'll have to admit.  However, religion can also act as a stencil, shaping a person to another's desire (I know that's mostly untrue, but I'm speaking on behalf of how religion is spread in my third-world, corrupt, country).  Now, religion in Malaysia is very different, and to some degree, a deviant to its own cause.  Messages spread in Malaysia, is not the same as how it is in The States.  Now, I'm not saying that America is all-knowing (or the best) in religion, but their teachings, the way the message is conveyed is more understanding and receptive of others.

But the point of all of this, is that religion gives you a set of boundaries.  You may not know this, but it will be more apparent once you take a step back.  Now, I am in no way suggesting that you go off and do bad things (again, deviants are not a crime).  What I'm trying to say, is that sometimes religion can be a limiter.  Religion holds you back, it makes you play it safe.  The problem is, you will not know your full potential unless you break yourself.

So go test your limits, take some risks, and ultimately don't be afraid to make mistakes (NOTE:  You are NOT intentionally supposed to make mistakes).  You are your worse enemy, and religion can oftentimes reinforce that "limiter" in you.  

All in all, religion is not a bad thing.  But it might not be the best thing, either.  So if this write-up makes no sense whatsoever (which I don't blame you, I am not my usual writing-self), please drop a comment on the chatbox.  I would love to have a discussion.

Burning Bridges - One Republic

Watch

Another semester brings another challenge.  I've attended my first Iowa State commencement ceremony, and have said many goodbyes to some of my closest friends.  A year from now, and the roles will be reversed, with me myself donning the graduation gown.

Summer has been one heck of a ride thus far.  In a simple breakdown, ASM2014 in Boston was amazing.  The event was "dangerously informative", and the culture shown in the city was just breathtaking.  I even got to meet up with my cousin, whom I haven't seen in years.  It was a crazy five-day drive from Iowa all the way to Massachusetts, but it was a nice, bumpy, bonding moment with 11 others from the Microbiology Club.  

6 hours after my return saw me heading back the same way to Bloomington, Indiana for the Malaysian Midwest Games.  It was a very forgettable event, as the overall event was poor, with lousy management and appalling meals.  I went there to play soccer with some random bunch of friends (and strangers)  for the Michigan Wolverines.  They will go on to be overall champions for MMG, without any contribution from me and the soccer team.  We got battered, simply put, and team chemistry was non-existent.  The event was chock-full of lessons, if anything.

Unfortunately, the lab I used to work in had lack of funding from the department, and they had to let all undergraduate lab assistants go.  It was a tough day for me, as Steve, my boss meant a lot to me.  He looked after me and gave me a shot when most people would have turned me down, being an International student, and for that I've gained invaluable experience over the past year working with him in the Food Safety Research Lab.  

Which brings me to the present, I'm doing well, having a spanking new laptop (MSI GS60 Ghost).  I'm doing Summer classes to complete my minor and a bothersome elective.  So far, I've no big projects: restoring conditions to my torn bags and pants, storing stuff for friends over Summer, discovering the Civil War era to the Marvel Universe, catching up on movies and TV shows (btw, Season 2 of Hannibal was phenomenal!), and re-discovering Chicago in the tech-savvy new platformer, Watch_Dogs.

So yeah, that's it from me for now.  Toodles!

I Believe In You (Je crois en tu) - Il Divo and Celine Dion

Tears

Having attended my last ISC event as an official member, was the most bidirectional feeling I have ever had thus far.  I am extremely grateful to be part of the beautiful diversity of culture for my two-year tenure, and will miss every part of it.  

I am not the best at expressing my feelings, but believe me when I say that you guys are family to me.  ISC was my home away from home; it was my safe place where I've always felt loved and cared for; and each and every one of you weirdos made it comfortable for me to be weird, too.  Despite our little squabbles every now and then, I know that at the end of the day, we still could rely on each other.

I will miss every single one of you wonderful people, and it brings tears to my eyes that I can't spend every crazy week with you guys in our regular meetings, filled with jovial minds and a splash of chaos.  Thank you all for everything that was done.  You may not know it, but you have all changed me to be a better, bolder, wiser person.  For that, you all have my eternal gratitude.

With much love, 

Fang.

Too Soon To End - Alain Clark and Diane Birch

Lunch

Some funny conversation happened last week.

During my TA sessions, I was in the prep room with my other TA colleagues, when one of them, Mia, stared at me, acting perplexed.

Now, she was an oddball, so her staring at me was much worth being concerned (then again, most people in the life sciences fall into this category).

So with curiosity written on her face, she asked: "Fang, do you have a girlfriend?"

Now, this took me by surprise, as I wasn't remotely close to any girls in the past month (remotely meaning that I haven't been seen public with a single person, I usually hang out with a group of people).

I immediately played down the prospect. "No, why would you ask that"?

"Because I saw you with a girl".

"That's very vague" *shrugging with a grin*

So that whole conversation was somewhat memorable, because of an epiphany I had: I seldom eat with a small group of friends.

Maybe because it's the racial segregation back home (I had lunch with Faziera in this scenario, mind). But I notice that living in the States has made me appreciate more intimate, or at least, a closer comfort of dining together with friends and acquaintances.

I'll consider this to be an interesting, albeit casual lunch!

Elevate - St. Lucia

Gift

Had the privilege of listening to opera singer Simon Estes, granting Diane Fru a special request.  He has performed for 6 US presidents, Nelson Mandela, and numerous kings and queens!  

Hearing him sing "God Bless America", with his powerful, yet spine-tingling voice, was an unforgettable experienced,  His voice left me frozen on the spot, shocked by his vocal prowess.

What a beautiful moment.

Voodoo People - Alvaro

Words

La Douleur Exquise.

Arguably my most relatable term thus far, as melodramatic as it would imply.  Interestingly, there is no direct translation for this saying.

We all fear being alone, I fear dying alone.  I'm sure I'm not the only one.

Red Lights - Tiesto

Darkness

I envy people that know love. That have someone who takes them as they are.

-Jess C. Scott-

I forgot that the quote above failed to be published two weeks back (I tried it on my phone that time).

I've also traveled to Grand Valley State University (GVSU) for the Association of International Student Organization (AiSO) 2014 conference.  It was amazing, the people, the atmosphere, the culture; I've learned so much more, to add to what ISC had taught me.  I also learned that I can't dance.  At least, not dancing impromptu.

Anyway, to today's news.  My sister just got her SPM (major exam at the end of high school) results back.  She did remarkably, performing better than both her brothers.  I am super proud of her, and sincerely hopes that this result spurs her to do bigger things.

On another note, the ISC General Elections are being held next week, with the candidates' profiles released on the club's webpage today.  It still pains me to see that my name isn't included, as I've decided to face my last year in Iowa State outside of ISC.  Growing pains, eh?

La La La - Naughty Boy

Spatial

Now, for a positive post (like, FINALLY!). 

This season's been a joy to watch football.  As in, the Barclays Premier League.  It's not because bitter rivals Manchester United and rolling about in 7th place, it's not because the Malaysian-owned Cardiff City has a dingbat of an owner (sorry dude, but that's how I feel) and it's certainly not because Chelsea has the Special One back as gaffer.

No, no and *pause* no.  It's all about the Merseyside Redmen!  This seems to be the season for Liverpool.  I know there's still half a season to go, but sitting comfortably in 4th place with a 5-point cushion from 5th place Spurs, is a pretty good position to be in this point of the season.

Credit to Brendan Rogers for shaping the team to a "Pass and Move" based team.  The way the team have been playing is immense, combining high pressure with high tempo build up.  In fact, we're demolishing some teams for fun, bringing back memories of the 08/09 season, where we eventually finished runners-up in the league.  

We still have a few big fixtures ahead, like Spurs and Man U away, but with a rather thin squad, we're making it count.  To keep things realistic, a Top Four placing is a must, this season more than any other.  We'll keep believing, and I'll keep forcing myself to watch early game fixtures.  This is our season, and we will make it count.  YNWA!

On a separate note, my footballing "career" has kinda hit a stumbling block.  I know it's still rather early for a player to stop developing at my age, but I seem to find it hard to play well in small teams, like in futsal.  I've definitely improved my ball skills from previous years, as I heavily emphasized on first touch and dribbling.  However, the same cannot be said about my limited passing range, or my fitness.  Especially in congested areas, I still can't find that calmness on the ball to play out of danger, and my lack of proper physique does not help at all.  Well, at least I can still enjoy and appreciate the game.  Spring can't come soon enough, as it seems I'm more comfortable playing on firm ground rather than on artificial turf.  Somehow the latter screws around with my balance, and balance is key for any player.

I still have a few more years to develop, eh?

Ships in the Night - Mat Kearney

Crooked

So I pondered on my intentions for this space, this electronic Mind Palace of sorts, or so that's what I hoped of it to be.  Frankly, the tone's been rather negative and gloomy of late, and this does not help this blog one bit.  I'll work on that.  

This post is dedicated to a friend, albeit one of which I am not very close to.  Somehow, I feel that she has acknowledged my existence in the simplest way of support.  No, this isn't a confession.  In fact, it's a thank you note, because I lack the time and space to show everyone my gratitude.  

Yes, she's a reluctant guest I have to entertain as she's my best friend's girl.  I suppose the "Bro" figure can be suppressed for the time being.  But she's always had the intellect to match her quip.  Those are but the few reasons she deserves more accreditation.  I tip my hat to you, for making my best friend un-lonely, and for backing me every step of the way, although I wasn't reciprocating the gesture.

Thank you, friend.  I really mean it, with a crooked smile.

Africa - Toto

Yield

Life has been tough.  Sadly, this is all I can add.  It's been a few months now, since I've blogged and it's becoming more and more apparent as my college life progresses.  I find myself having less and less time to devote to this blog, however its vision may be, as I get more and more busy no matter how I try to cut down the workload.

I've been back to Malaysia, as mentioned in the previous post and so I shall touch on that first.  Going home sucks.  The weather's too damn hot (I came during Winter, mind you), the people are shoddy, the overall hygiene is questionable at times, the command of English is dreadful, you re-encounter the same damn problems and worst of all, no one gives two cents about you being around.

I mean, I'd be flipping out seeing a former high school mate, casually striking a conversation without hesitation; I'll be taking the initiative to spend time with people, probably because I haven't seen most of them for at least a year and a half, most of them even longer than that!  I hate (yes, this is a strong word being deliberately used) that I'm almost totally ignored by others, spewing secondhand comments like "Oh, Fang?  He has an accent now" or "Ah, how is he?".  Maybe it's because I expected too much from others, when I shouldn't be asking for any contributions to start, or maybe it's because I want to feel at home, on my actual home soil.

Going home sucks, ultimately because you need to leave all of them again, without feeling a shred of difference of what you were and what you are today.  I've yet to prove myself, at least in my own eyes.

But the fact is, the more you experience different cultures, the more you travel, then the idea of home gradually gets distorted.  I mean physically I'm in my apartment now (which really feels like a college-grade home now), spiritually it's always intact in this vessel of a human body.  However, emotionally and socially, now that's the real question: I love my friends here in The States, with their diversity, the "melting pot" of culture, it's amazing; at the same time, I can't relate to most of them on a more intimate level with them compared to the folks halfway across the world.  

Not just that, what happens once I graduate?  I'm in my Junior year, with 22.5 credits to go before graduation.  That's in another year.  Can I get a job by then?  An actual job where I'm willing to work?  What about logistics?  Where, when, how?  I'm clearly experiencing Senioritis prematurely, but with valid reasons.  My grades have been faltering, too.  Sometimes I feel that I've lost my drive, and picking up the ball is not going easy... I'll just have to keep my head down and grind out the results.

I'm also facing the struggles of living up to others' expectations, while trying to steer away from that.  I wish I could be more detailed about it, but that's not fair to others.  I'm inadvertently taking the blame for not wanting to advance up the ranks, and because of that others are prematurely forced to run the organization, although their lack of extensive experience.  This is what is to come should I not continue.  I'm not saying this out of pride or my ego, but that is the reality of the case, as the other senior members do not wish to move any higher in the hierarchy as well.  

As mentioned earlier, I am graduating in a year's time.  I don't want to squander the experiences I could have with other clubs and organizations.  There's so much more that I wish I could get involved in, and the current organization I'm in is conflicting with this.  It's not a bad thing, but this organization takes a lot of my time and effort, on a voluntary basis.  So I'm stuck between what I want to do, and what I should do to ensure the continuity of the organization (again, not my words).

There's too much going on, and it is going by so quickly that sometimes I just want to scream it out.  The world's only gonna get faster and faster from here on out, and I can only hope that I can keep up with the pace.  There's so much I want to experience, that I want to do, that I want to feel, that I reckon I'm demanding too much of my overachiever-self.  The worst part?  I've frankly yet to achieve anything.  And with a heavy sigh, I'll end here.  I realized that I was supposed to sleep an hour ago.  Well, goodnight.

Storms and Hurricanes - Animal Liberation Orchestra