Year(n)

"She will never know how much she means to me. For her sake, she never will."

Remember, future readers:

What you feel isn't necessarily what others feel. Thus, how you cope with things are simply reserved for you alone. Additionally, no one will know your feelings until you've expressed them.

You deserve your own happiness. How you decide to come to that is entirely up to you. I trust that you will decide wisely.

posted from Bloggeroid

45

So this might be a little late, so I apologize for the tardiness.  Somehow, the blogger app in my phone couldn't post things over a 4G network so I'm posting this from the comforts of my parent's place instead.

Last Tuesday had revealed the results of the 2016 Presidential Elections, pitting Donald Trump against Hillary Clinton.  I'll go on record to say that I've backed the Democrats, even before Clinton became the party's nominee (for reasons/views mentioned later).

However disappointingly, we have to look forward to a Trump presidency instead.  I was/still am livid, just fuming with anger and sadness in a swirl of negativity to try and comprehend the next four years under his reign.  America, you have let me down.  

This is the now President-elect who was uniquely unqualified in every regard (besides showmanship), who has run his entire campaign on shunning and discriminating people of colour and of disability, was not even backed by his own party, and was endorsed by the KKK (yes, that Ku Klux Klan).  A man who will unfortunately and undeserving of, will have to be in the history books for future generations to know of.

I looked up to you. Heck, the world looked up to you, even if you lamented the mantle of being a global superpower.  But you spat in our faces. You showed us that deep-seated white supremacy triumphs the progressive, tolerant, inclusive society which has grown over the past decades. Racism is alive. Misogyny is alive. Bigotry is alive.  And this backwards mentality shall swallow you whole, even if the world is a mere passer-by.

It hurts, to see Trump's baseless facts and anti-immigration narrative (to name a few) sway the American people to side with him.  Granted Hillary wasn't the most appealing of candidates as well, with her baggage of corruption and scandals (emails, DNC dealings and whatnot) hamstringing her campaign as it neared election day.

To those who argue that I shouldn't care so much about foreign affairs, fuck you. Yeah, fuck you and fuck your ignorance. If you'd rather be sitting lofty in your own bubble without a care about the things happening outside of your community or country, then you've proven my point. Caring too much might make it hurt a lot more, but not caring at all is a crime and disservice to the other people inhabiting this Earth.

They're terrified, that this level of abuse and injustice has been justified in the form of Donald J Trump. And like it or not, his name will be written in the history books, for good (or more realistically) bad reasons.  I believe the aftermaths of this election can be summarized by what Van Jones had to say.

So bring on the hurt, because if that's what it takes to make the whole world a better place, you can be sure as Hell to see me fighting for equal rights and equal opportunities.  Just overnight, I've woken to posts and messages of friends getting harassed, abused, and it hurts.  It's only been two days, and this shit is flooding my social circle.

I am terrified.  I am furious.  And there's nothing positive coming out of this so far.  I pray that I'm wrong.  But frankly, I don't think so.

I'll end this post with multiple songs to help with the mulling.

Bright Lights - Matchbox 20

Minority - Green Day

Power - Kanye West

*edit

I was in a rush to post this and totally forgot to add one last point: we need to have these conversations about politics and have them more often.  It is important for us to normalize these kinds of discussion so that we do not fall into the trap of being stuck in our social and news bubble.  

Also, a (not so) fun fact - 62% of Americans receive their sole news from Facebook.  That is a startling number and given how Facebook can be a platform to disseminate false news and have them just circulate your news feed, it is a very big and bad problem.

Spent

So it's been seven months working and I was hoping to reach my RM10,000 mark in savings so I can start investing in other fronts.  Sadly, money was in savings for a reason.  In no particular order, here were my "big" expenses in the past three weeks.

Serviced my car

Replaced faulty car radio

Started health insurance payment

FIFA 17 (went splitsies with Roger)

New futsal shoes (my old ones of five years had finally broke)

New Ascension set (Ascension X: War of Shadows) from the US (Kevin is back from Texas for a bit so he brought it back).

I guess that I'll have to wait to year end to start investment funding.  At least I can take pride in knowing I'm the first Malaysian to own Ascension X.

Good Together - HONNE

Two

I had planned to spend my boring Tuesday night playing video games (just got Quantum Break; time travel hurts my head) and watching a movie (Cowboy Bebop: The Movie). 

Instead of that I had a near-two-hour-long discussion about US politics with Jordan, as we volleyed questions back and forth. No word on how we're doing, or anything happening around us, solely on the upcoming Presidential Elections. 

I'm glad that my plans were disrupted.

Two - Space Captain

Tournament

Well, the Futsal tournament was fun. Really should have scored in the first game, pulling off some neat touches and running at the defence.

Second game saw us concede a sloppy goal, and lose possession too often due to long ball tactics, so our team didn't progress past the group stages. I did make two goal-saving tackles in that game though.

Been laying in my bed for the past two hours listening to podcasts and having micro-sleeps.

I'm sure my body will feel awful tomorrow.

posted from Bloggeroid

School

It's the night before game day and I can't sleep. Maybe it's the pre-game jitters again.

Or maybe, it's because I've a good day and was left with thought-provoking questions. Sabrina had proposed for us to write a book about the four of us weirdos: Joey (her boyfriend) , Nicole (her childhood friend), herself and I.

That actually sounds interesting.

Earlier today, Sabrina and I had attended Art for Grabs at Jaya One. And I got to meet the sweetest kid, who was one of the artist there. He touched my heart, and he's only 9 years old. Definitely made my day.

Disclaimer : I've tried to post the picture of me and the kid, Brandon, but my phone won't let me. Until I get on my laptop...

*edit* Finally did it.

posted from Bloggeroid

Evaporated

Just a tidbit of advice: When you're off the clock, you're off the clock.

Having to read thinly-veiled borderline insinuating work-related messages before bed is pretty much the worse way to prep for the next working day.

It is indeed very hard to motivate myself for work in an environment where criticism is rife and empowerment is devoid of form.

In the whole thick of things, for someone to be transfixed on a microcosm of minor mistakes and miss the bigger picture, really makes it difficult to be inspired to work harder.

This doesn't change my stance, no matter how my principles might be. I want to be wrong about the lack of prospects in this job.

So far though, there's nothing to suggest a reversal. Sigh.

posted from Bloggeroid

Strings

Whoops. Meant to post this last week as I had wrote the entry on my phone when travelling to Ipoh to visit my mom's side of the family. Well, here goes.

My recent weeks have been much better, since Sabr had been on her semester break. Last Friday night, we had watched Kubo and the Two Strings, which I highly recommend.

Her presence always seemed to bring out the most philosophical insights in me. The biggest point of our conversations was on "stagnation".

Yeah... That's the best word I can categorise it thus far. We're both (and I guess it extends to most fresh grads) experiencing an excitingly blank phase in our lives. It's the feeling of not knowing what is out there, even just a few months down the road.

That lack of foresight really gets in the way of planning for the future. There's a vision of what I want to do in the near future (getting back to Graduate School), but I can't figure out what my next six months would be.

So here we are, somewhat invigorated by the freedom and the world at our front door, yet being gradually desensitised to the novelty and excitement of the experience.

What motivates us to keep moving? To stick with the same job, to stay with a partner, to know that these are investments, and that all investments have an element of risk involved? It's hard to say.

All I know is this: when something is going good in life or turning out well, don't question it!

We are so quick to worry about things that went wrong, but we don't do enough of the opposite.

The tough times in life are not holding any punches. So take the good times with both hands and hold them tight. I think we deserve at least that.

posted from Bloggeroid

Quiet

Sabr: What do you want people to remember you by?

Me: I'd like them to see me as an inspiration, "quietly brilliant". The "quiet" part is a little tricky.

Gotta keep working towards that.

posted from Bloggeroid

Border

Yeah.  Been a while.  Hopefully someday I can get used to having sporadic postings.  Not yet though.  Somehow I've been very dissatisfied with most things.

Underwhelming food, demotivating work life, lack of exercise (due to prolonged work hours and now the haze), and whatnot.  

I guess I've been missing some friends of late.  Having recently reconnected with some made me realize the time lost in the meantime, and does make me reminisce of the "good times".  

Well, here are some updates.  Mari had dropped by KL to visit me, since she was stationed in East Malaysia for five weeks prior to conduct research on malaria.  It was a crazy weekend, as I played host for the first time.  Nevertheless, we had a great time (re)discovering Kuala Lumpur.  She did all of the shopping, naturally.  I've only a few pictures, so here's one of them.

Having Roti Tissue at Kayu Nasi Kandar, the day of her arrival

In between, I entered a mix doubles badminton competition hosted by my company's Sports Club, with the new QA Exec, Ya Houy.  My faked aggressive stance belies my lousiness, as my partner was the more technical player.  Nevertheless, we gave ourselves a good account, having won one and losing three games to crash out of the group stages.  

But hey, one game won is one less lost.  I feel that the highlight of the tournament was my questionable footwork, from all those years of performing dance routines.  At one point the photographer was wondering when would I eventually twist my ankles.

Anyway, the Olympics have been underway and we've thus far bagged silver medals for the Badminton Mens' and Mixed Doubles, Women's Synchronized 10m Diving, and a bronze in Men's Cycling Track.  

We're in good shape to get a Gold with Datuk Lee Chong Wei having ousted his opposite number Lin Dan for the first time after the previous two showings against him.  He faces China's Chen Long tonight for the Men's Badminton Singles title.  This will be interesting.

Lastly, I've just completed Telltale Games's Tales from the Borderlands, and it was a very fun experience.  I only wished that the game lasted longer, as the characters were well-built, with a simple (but increasingly complicated) story line, interweaving between a strong performance from all the voice actors.  My favourite part was the soundtrack.  Heck, I even started playing Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel again on co-op mode with Roger.

To The Top - Twin Shadow

Dime

I lost another friend today. Thankfully, it was his choice, and not by some accident or natural disaster.

In fact, it was for a more simple reason. I refused to indulge in his fantasy.

Please don't mistaken this for me trying to take the moral high ground. I've nothing to prove and thus no one to defeat. There's no incentive, no prize for me to be or sound magnanimous in this moment.

What had transported was my refusal to rate this picture of a woman. Mind that this wasn't a pornographic or provocative image; she was fully clothed and decent-looking, in a normal, healthy way.

My friend wanted to know my rating of her. I abstained. He wanted to know whether I found her attractive, and I refused to objectify her based on her looks.

This wasn't the first time I explained my aversion to this... activity. So I flat-out rejected, to make myself clear.

He took that as me getting on my high horse, seeming as though I'm better than everyone and that was me patronising him.

But I wasn't. I just felt indifferent and that's my problem, not his.

In response, he unfriended me from all social platforms. Years of friendship... gone. Just from a disagreement.

Yes, I am saddened by this, but I can't be empathetic about losing a friend over my refusal to play along with his game.

There is no emotion involved in "scoring" who's hot or not. It's wrong and degrading, even if it is just for sport, or as a "bro thing".

I've no time and space for that kind of behavior anymore. I can't treat every person like a human being when my opinion of them changes on a dime, viewing them as nothing but a piece of meat. Whether I meet them in real life or not is an irrelevant, moot and ignorant notion.

It's not that I don't care about our 5,6-year-long friendship; I just don't care enough to fight for it. And for that, I'm sorry.

posted from Bloggeroid

Scout

It seems like a growing trend for me to sacrifice sleep for movies and video games, a compromise which I'm willing to make as much as it is a detriment to my health.  Hopefully today can be the start of that change.

I wanted to talk about my recent get-together with Eirene and Heang Lee, two individuals whom I share quite little with during my time knowing them in secondary school, bonded only through our involvement in the 73rd Petaling Scouts Movement.

We had met up at a mamak nearby, having not seen Eirene for over five years.  I haven't seen Heang in just over four years, having visited her university for an intramural among Malaysian students around the Midwest region.

They're both doing great, with Heang recently starting work with the Women's Aid Organization of Malaysia, and Eirene having returned from a semester abroad in Japan.  

The long absence of our company didn't dampen the occasion, as we had many discussions on human rights, U.S. politics, culture shock (and the reverse), society and whatnot.  

Well, I was mainly listening.  Those two are just too eloquent and brilliant for me to keep up with.  Heck, they had deconstructed and analyzed the very organizational dynamics of our scouts troop there and then, identifying key power markers and outliers to the phenomenon, exposing flaws to the hierarchy of things and its repercussions on our understanding of duty and responsibility in our teens.

The moment they started exchanging authors and their books, was when I was truly lost.  Because I've lost that touch of reading.  And that sucks.  It became apparent that I'm in need of serious reading.

So from now on, I'll take more effort to get off the Internet and computer, and read more books and less Quora.  For today, I'll be reading my Medical Microbiology textbook, with regards to food microbiology.  I think I should start mentioning what I'm reading, so that I read something before posting it here.

Moreover, I had attended another gathering for the Malaysian ISU Alumni and it was great to meet so many figures who are established in their careers.  We're trying to form an association for networking fresh grads with the more experienced folks, so I'd like to get involved with that.  We'll see.

Lastly, I've registered for the Penang Bridge Marathon happening at November end.  I think I'm more excited in exploring Penang than the run.  Although I should really start training for that, instead of playing football.

Lost Boy - Ruth B

Affection

I'm in an affection gap.

At least, that's what I interpret it as.  Throughout the years of experiencing a mixture of self-doubt, bad timing, and sheer crummy luck, I've been date-less.  Single, not seeing anyone outside of my college life.

Not to say it was a bad thing, but it meant me finding additional ways to cope with my emotional needs.  As much as I'd like to think of myself as the stoic, unshakable and brooding loner who's comfortable in my own skin (the latter which is true... I think), I still need to have a love for something.

Gradually through the past five, six years, my acts of love had diversified, simmering away from a sole recipient to more people.  Eventually, instead of a focused beam of light, it has dispersed to an irradiation instead.  I lost a specific target for my affection.  

Specifically caring more for one individual had became sharing that love to a small group of people, and eventually to many.  Loving became sort of an unintended action.  Hugs became more frequent.  I'd occasionally buy meals for others.  Hour-long conversations became the norm.

However, there was always an anchor to my emotional support.  For the longest time, that was Sabr.  Of the recent times, it was someone else.  Let's give her the alias of Amber.  

Amber was special, as she filled the emotional void I had since I met her some two years ago.  As I got to know Amber more, the compulsion of needing Sabr's support wasn't as high.  I had the opportunity and privilege to share my feelings and emotions with someone else, and that helped me a lot.

Obviously, I fell for Amber.  It wasn't a mistake, God no.  But I would admit, it was at the worst time.  She has a boyfriend now, and that meant us having less time together.  That's okay though, as I understand and respect her decisions for prioritizing her relationship ahead of our friendship.  

She's happy.  Irrevocably, happy, and in love.  And as it does sting a little, I'm glad that she has found some happiness.  Everyone deserves love.

As Amber has taken the backseat as my emotional helper, Sabr now holds the #1 spot again.  However, the latter had recently resumed her studies so our availability comes at a premium now.  Furthermore, she's been growing increasingly fond of the guy she's currently dating, and that means more time allocated elsewhere.

Again, I'm not going to get in the way of her happiness.

It just means that I've less time to spend with either of my emotional "anchors", which leaves me with phases of vulnerability and insecure moping.  I'm not in the dumps, let me clarify that.  It's just... that the void is back again.  There's a small sense of emptiness inside and I don't know when will that go away.

I hope that by reinventing myself with all these personal side projects can help that, but only time will tell.  In the meantime, fingers crossed I can be more gutsy in asking people out for dates (brownie points for actually succeeding).

To disrupt the tension of this writing, I had recently shaved my pubes to gain a perspective of Western cultural practices.  And it was Goddamn stupid of me to do so.

Work Song - Hozier

Meds

It's about that time for me to have a follow-up appointment with an endocrinologist on my hyperthyroidism treatment.

So today, I had a follow-up appointment at UMSC to discover the result of my blood work, taken the previous Friday.  Turns out, I'm back to being normal again.

My thyroid activity and hormone levels are now within normal levels and for the first time in two years, I'm finally off medication.  And that's crazy.

I'll be meeting with the endocrinologist in a couple of months to see my progress from there, so finger's crossed that I'll be fine.

I'm just really grateful for the help and support provided when I first had symptoms of it.  So here's to hoping that I can be off thyroid support for good.   But I'll need to be cautious too, as things can always teeter along with issues like these.

Sidenote, I'm slowly getting back to writing that book and perhaps, I'll get onto that Murder Mystery Party again...  eventually.

Oh, and the Euro 2016 Finals was shit.  I don't even want to go there.

Leisure Suite - Feist

Cider

It seems that my body isn't built to consume alcohol.

I had a Pear Cider (my first) this afternoon out of curiosity and boredom.  Don't get me wrong, it was pretty delicious, with the pear and fizz disguising the low alcohol content well.

However, an hour later I had experienced sudden weakness (like blood rushing away from my brain) and blocked hearing, with my ears simply ringing for what was the worst two minutes I had in a long time.

I slowly ascended the stairs to my bathroom while clutching firmly on the handrail, careful not to trip along the way, lifted the toilet seat cover and went on all fours preparing for a projectile vomit.  Thankfully (or not), it didn't come to be.  I lied with my back on the wall for a few minutes before full-functionality returned.

Football in the evening definitely exacerbated my condition, with my head throbbing as I put myself through various running drills and ball control courses.  Even now, my head is still hurting.  It has been seven hours now.

Some things aren't meant to be, I guess.

A Real Hero - Electric Youth

Puki

I will try to resist using harsh derogatory terms (see "hag", "cretin", et cetera) for this segment. Just know that it isn't nice.

To the old lady earlier,

How dare you show up at my grandaunt's funeral to just hog the food and stuff your shopping bag with leftovers? We, and certainly not I, need your false sympathy while my lovely grandaunt's casket is mere metres away from you.

I don't give two shits if you were from the same Methodist Church my grandaunt was in. I don't give a fuck if you, by some chance, knew one of the distant relatives to the deceased. Don't you fucking dare show up at a funeral parlour just to feed off someone else's grief.

Plus, you have the petty gall to ask for a ride home after walking all the way to the wake? Moreover, you had slagged off two ladies earlier for being selfish in refusing to give you a lift?

You know the way back, so bloody sod off. Clearly you were in proper shape to capitalise on someone else's loss, so use those goddamn legs God had blessed you with. The fact that today is the start of Eid Mubarak takes the cake.

This is the exact reason why I forsake my own culture. The manipulative, selfish, rotten behaviors which are slowly driving my nation to the ground. It's a pisstake to the honest, loving people who have met such a tragedy in an inopportune time.

I am absolutely fuming right now. And let it be crystal clear that I will fucking destroy anyone who dares take advantage of my family. You have my word on that.

posted from Bloggeroid

Redirect

I haven't been blogging much as I've prioritised self-flagellation in my spare time, obviously.

By that I mean putting myself through football-and-podcasts masochism every day.

Last weekend I had met up with secondary school tuition mates, whom I've not seen in over five years. And it's crazy to see how easy one can fall out of touch with friends. Still, it is a joy to be able to recollect odd memories and catch up on so much lost time.

Sadly I'm only writing today as a means to cope. Being Raya break, it was initially planned for me to visit my mom's side at Ipoh this Wednesday. Unfortunately those plans have changed since lunchtime today as my grandaunt had passed away.

And here's the problem: I feel eerily indifferent. Maybe it's because I'm at work and need to pull it together, or maybe I'm in "resistance phase" and will only feel it later after work, or maybe I have been waiting for this for long enough that it just doesn't surprise me anymore.

For the latter statement, I say that because her health has been rapidly deteriorating since my return last December. It has been 8 months and her condition will only continue to worsen with age. So yeah, maybe I've made my peace and spent every goodbye with her knowing that it could be my last, and maybe that's why her eventual passing came and went without me regretting much.

I don't know. And for the next 4 hours at work, I can't know how to feel. I'm the only member of senior management in my department at work and need to exhibit proper leadership.

I'm getting too good at compartmentalizing my emotions. To feel less seems rather... Bad to me and it is beginning to scare me. Have I lost some sense of empathy? Or worse, do I not care enough?

Here's what I do know: I'll miss her. I'm going to play football later or jog or something to forget about the world for a while. Then, I'll cry. My family will cry. And I have the week off for Raya break so that will be some time to reflect on these feelings and thoughts.

Until then, I guess I'm a sociopath.

posted from Bloggeroid

Four

Haven't been writing on this blog lately, due to the increasing workload at work and the respective stress relieving session due to them.

Just a brief recap of the past two, three weeks :

1) Cousin got married, so good on him! Managed to meet the family after 5 years and it was great to be able to rekindle my relationship with my other cousins, since I have made strides since the shy teenager back then.

2) Watched a movie alone for the first time. Wasn't great, the movie (X-Men: Apocalypse) but I needed the entertainment. And it was an interesting feeling, doing things alone. It felt somewhat liberating, even at the expense of my dwindling social circle.

3) Speaking of which, made a good friend at work and she's pretty nice, and cute, and slightly clumsy, which are charming traits. Plus she has a boyfriend, so that helps to keep me grounded.

4) Also along those lines, met a Product Specialist from one of our suppliers about their new catalogue and she's pretty cute as well. Didn't make any moves because... Well that's pretty creepy and not to mention, very unprofessional. Me and my problems.

5) Fasted with Sabrina as she was free for dinner on the weekday. She was nice enough to drive over here to dine with me. We had cheeky Nando's, which isn't as spicy as I thought it was.

6) Having more doubts about work, due to increasingly unrealistic expectations and an expanding range of products, which leads to an absurd amount of work that needs to be done (on top of the current workload). We'll have to see how will I cope with this. I'm not optimistic.

7) Finally jogged after 3 weeks of picking football over it. And I finally managed to do 4 km continuously, albeit at a slower time. Will need to start watching my calorie consumption if I'm ever gonna lose tummy fat. I can see some stretch marks on my thighs, which is encouraging (and downright gross).

8) And I've been lacking sleep these past weeks. Because I can't seem to worry less because of said stressful work and my never-failing shotgun thought process.

posted from Bloggeroid

Fork

Recently I've been berating my job because of the stress and unnecessary hoops I've to jump through. On three occasions have I contemplated resignation, and I've barely been there for three months. It's a vicious cycle of being unable to deliver on expectations and yet, not having the training or guidance to meet those expectations.

Went things go well (meaning that we detect no problems in our products), things can be smooth-sailing. However, when things oddly go bad (I've seen two so far), my boss quickly rears her head and gives everyone hell. That's what bums me, because the team gets unnerved as a result and her hairdryer treatment seldom yields positive results as she tends to just accuse others of incompetence than to provide constructive criticism.

But after meeting with my mother's extended family over the weekend, I can see how proud and excited they are for my recent occupation. It's slowly growing on me that I've been recognised to be a competent adult and maybe that's just the push I need to soldier on with this position. It really depends on how the week starts, especially since my colleague is on leave for the week.

Also, one of my key team players had handed me his resignation letter just before I got off work today. I can't seem to shake the idea that my lack of strong leadership through challenges played a part in his decision. I dread finding someone to replace him.

Final note, I played my first football game with the kids in my new community. Albeit I had only played for half an hour, I found myself overrunning dribbles and misplacing simple passes. One kid even called me an uncle. I'll show that runt when I return to the pitch tomorrow.

Just kidding. I'll probably get schooled. But hey, at least I get to assume the eventual role of player/coach when I get to know them better. Plus it's a good excuse to get back to peak fitness levels.

posted from Bloggeroid

See

Beneath your complex nature,
Winding passages and snaking stairwells,
I see you.

Past the awesome masks,
(un)forced smiles,
The personal facades.

Past the rotating mirrors,
Occasionally reflecting outward,
The world you deny insight to.

I see you,
Or what I perceive to be you,
Misdirection is your art anyway.

And it's beautiful.
Formless, shapeless, malleable,
Versatile when needed to be.

Don't take this as admiration,
Nor praise,
Nor confession.

Simply know that you're not alone,
For I relate to the layered responses.
Hopefully, you see past my facade too.

posted from Bloggeroid

Roommate

My roommate at the company hostel just tore into me what seems to be pent-up frustration from the past months living here.

Frankly speaking, I have many counter-arguments of my discontent towards his contribution to the overall cleanliness of the place too. To avoid escalation, I just brush them aside and turn a blind eye, apologising more than I warranted.

But yes, I'll admit I don't clean the place up every week. Who does?

Either way, I guess I'll start "contributing more" now. I'm feeling rather blasé about this, truth be told.

College had prepared me for dealing with difficult people. Or at least made me more desensitized to minor issues.

posted from Bloggeroid

Danish

I'm writing this as I finish the final 20 minutes of The Danish Girl.  

Wow.  Just... wow.  

It's so hard to explain what I'm going through right now.  And it's so beautiful to see transgenderism portrayed so well, for someone who has not been exposed to it much.

Eddie Redmayne and Alicia Vikander deliver equally strong performances, encapsulating their screen times so fully when it was their time.  Both are wonderful artists and the movie offered the most breathtaking of scenery from and around Copenhagen.

Not wanting to spoil the ending, but the relationship developed between Einar and Gerda Wagener constantly shifts as the movie progresses, and it was immensely touching.  

It reminded me of Alan Turing's relationship with Joan Clarke from The Imitation Game, played by Benedict Cumberbatch and Keira Knightly respectively.  Such a wonder, how two minds could share their brilliance and have each other's company under the veil of matrimony.

It was the complete opposite of a quote I had came across:

"You look to your best friend and can't help but be extremely happy, knowing that, one day, someone will be so madly in love with them".

Coincidentally, May 17th is International Day Against Homophobia and Transphobia.  Promise it was a coincidence.

Friction - Kygo ft. Tom Odell

Title

The World Youth Jazz Festival was short-lived due to the rain.  I'm still wrapping my mind around what aspects of jazz had I listened to from a rock band.

But hey, I got to watch Captain America: Civil War and loved every bit of it.  Thank you Sabr for being a good sport.

Segway-ing that, my phone's starting to show its age by consistently dying on me  even when it is charging.  I had to dash back home at 10 pm midweek in a panicked state as my phone refused to wake up.  After 3 hours of rummaging through old phone boxes, I found an old Nokia phone as backup.  That being said, the HTC had decided to play nice again the next day (I charged it overnight).  But it's time to look for a new phone...

I've also just started writing my book.  Taking Sabr's advice and making baby-step progresses with it.  We'll see where that takes me.

The Barclays Premier League also ended last weekend.  I need to brush up on my game analysis.  Finished some 48 percentile in the world, which is awful.

Bam Bam - Sister Nancy

Heritage

My dad was adamant on having Kluang Station for dinner.  Not thinking much about it, I obliged.

Casual dinner became a more significant occasion because of my Hainanese roots with the franchise.  I vaguely know my heritage, because I was too young to appreciate it, nor did my grandfather reveal much.  I suppose my dad found it opportune to shed some light on it.

My great grandfather, and grandfather had emigrated from Hainan, China amidst the growing Communist influence there.  My grandfather refused to share his past, but from what my dad gathered, my ancestors were loan sharks of the time, amassing quite the wealth in the process.  Communism meant that they had to share that wealth with others, and the enemies made from their days of collecting debt meant that Malaysia was a good place to move to.

Seeing as the Hainanese were one of the last ethnic groups to move to Malaysia, work was scarce.  The Hokkiens and Cantonese people occupied most of the mining and rubber tapping industries for the Chinese immigrants.  Most Hainanese turned to cooking, providing meals for the British colonist.

Which led to the establishment of Kluang Station.  It was a popular spot for the Hainanese community, with my granduncle securing a contract to manage all the Hainanese food stalls in Malaysia.  This made the Lim family well-known, as a result.

A worker under my granduncle had the idea of making a franchise out of the Hainanese style cuisine, which was a marriage of Chinese cooking to British palate.  Hence the emergence of the Kluang Station brand.

So yeah, that's my history.  It was a much-welcomed thing to have, learning more about my roots.  Here's to leaving a legacy behind for my progeny.

Ultralight Beam - Kanye West

Early

Figured that the dark rings below my eyes are a testament that I need more sleep. So here I am, laying in bed when it's not even 10 pm.

So I've been wanting to do this for a while now and finally, here it is. Being the unrelenting personal critic of my own life, I've been looking back at my adventure in The States, wondering why I didn't do this or that. That list grew long rather quickly, and made me feel a tad of regret for not getting more involved.

Yeah. It sounds crazy when I want to get more involved, considering the amount of work I immersed myself in those 3 years. So for the past month or so I've been listing all the things that I did do in The States. Here's that list:

- Diagnosing my hyperthyroidism ( I'm fortunate to detect this early in life to better manage it for my later years)
- Volunteering at the Ames Public Library (understanding how a community can grow through simple acts of spreading knowledge)
- Learned to ride a bike (getting over one of my fears)
- Learning to clean a fish (I've never cooked before)
- Loving Middle Eastern food (hummus, baklava, and Turkish coffee, to name a few. Still dying for proper ones in Malaysia)
- Rode the Hulk Roller Coaster (getting over my other fear of thrills rides... Ish)
- Enjoying Butterbeer at Wizarding World of Harry Potter (it was a transformative experience)
- Travelling in a van TWICE for ASM 14 and 15 (getting to know my Microbiology peers at an intimate level, while having a budget roadtrip)
- Segway-ing around Minneapolis (most fun impractical device to operate)
- Wrote a script for a play (10,000 words of originality)
- Talking to Boy Scouts about Malaysia (you know how I hold high regards to being a Boy Scout)
- Getting drunk for the first time (see AiSO, got to loosen up a little for once. Made me more familiar with the taboo of drinking)
- Danced... Quite a bit (because I should be more expressive)
- VEISHEA (was the largest student-run organisation in The States. A damn shame that it's banned now)
- Hiking the Rocky Mountains (beautiful in Spring, much more in the Winter, did both)
- Seeing President Obama (being a witness to his eloquent public speaking skills)
- Seeing Frank Abagnale Jr. (brilliant man, who has a movie based on his exploits)
- Seeing Norah Jones (an underrated musician from another generation)
- Seeing Adam Savage and Jamie Hynemann (childhood idols who inspired me to pursue a STEM career)
- Seeing Michio Kaku (renowned quantum physicist)
- Seeing Bill Nye (another childhood idol from an earlier time)
- Witnessing the sheer nature of Niagara Falls (and my first Wonder of The World)
- Having Hurricanes in Bourbon Street, New Orleans (and loving creole food)
- Enjoying cannoli in Boston (cemented the spot as my favourite dessert)
- Celebrating Holi (plus playing with colored powder)
- Organising a nationwide conference in AiSO (because I'm marginally insane)
- Been inside USS Blueback, a US submarine (an engineering marvel, in my opinion)
- Snowboarded (although never once stayed on the board for more than 20 seconds)

So yeah... Quite the list. And I'm sure I've missed out on some things. Regardless, I did quite a number of things, with memories to cherish for a long time.

posted from Bloggeroid

Tragedy

A flash of red, the rumble of drums, the ensuing melee, sets the stage for my Sunday evening.

Sabr (or as I've recently discovered, "Bean") had made me her plus one for her friend's show of Macbeth in Damansara Performaning Arts Center in Empire, Damansara Perdana.

What was unique, was that this theatrical play was conducted in a Chinese Opera style. The dialogue remained in its original Shakespearean English, but with an Asian flair to it. The costumes were wonderfully crafted, and some the cast had shown their experience with stellar performances.

It was a good night, albeit a long one. The play lasted slightly over 3 hours. And although the dialogue was occasionally hard to follow due to voice projection, I could thank Wikipedia for giving me a crash course of this tragedy prior to the show.

Today, I had met up with Atia and Sabr again for lunch. We have not been in the same room together for five years. That's crazy. And although it was slightly awkward to catch up on so much lost time, I still love them to bits.

I wish I could post photos, but Sabr promised to hurt me if I do.

Going back to love, it's an interesting phase where I'm the one that's single of out the three. And it's not a competition: I'm happy for them. However I can't help but wonder when will I be loving someone intimately.

Oh, don't think that I'm impervious to emotional yearnings. That's my job.

posted from Bloggeroid

Upvote

Seems like I've not been blogging as much anymore. Well it's mostly because I've been on Quora more.

I get the emotional catharsis while having a respected audience there. And that feels good for once, to be acknowledged as a flawed person. I dunno. I'm rambling a little while watching The Last King of Scotland.

Still jarred by that one scene at the hospital, in the show. Not gonna spoil it, but I will probably be scarred for the next few weeks.

Either way, I'm already looking forward to the three-day weekend (Labour Day is on a Sunday) and for next weekend's World Youth Jazz Festival. Gotta love my prioritization.

posted from Bloggeroid

Effort

This has bothered me for a while now. It's about time for me to want to put it out there.

Many people, family, friends, colleagues, whatever, tend to ask the same question upon learning that I did my Bachelor's Degree in The United States of America:

"Why didn't you just work in The States?"

Seems harmless, but the implications are so infuriating. Oh, here comes the rant.

Why didn't YOU work at The States yourself, if you thought it was that easy? I don't see you complaining for not being able to ply your trade over there. What, you think just because you want to work there means you're entitled to a job there as well? You think I didn't realise that opportunity, that I didn't give a rat's ass of remotely trying to get a job there?

I applied for 104 jobs. One hundred and four fucking jobs. I got 3 interviews out of the lot, and that's already a good number for most International students. Out of that, I had a single job offer, with a Fortune 500 company.

I worked hard to get there. I busted my ass time and time again, even when I didn't need to or shouldn't have to. So you can sod off with your harmlessly condescending question.

Let me set this straight. I am much more qualified that most of the fresh grads out there, and that's not because I'm cocky. I know for a fact that I am because I toiled to realize my ability and potential. Don't you be thinking that I couldn't get a job there. I did.

And it's shitty that I had to turn it down. It's gut wrenching. It's depressing. And I've had my grovel about it, and I won't let that weigh me down. Not anymore.

So why am I upset by it? Is it due to my missed opportunity at working with one of the biggest companies in my industry? Perhaps it's down to the fact that I can't justify my involvement in all those philanthropic work over my college years?

Or mainly because, I fucked up my best chance of working there. Ever.

Either way, that was the card I've been dealt. Now I need to reassess, and bounce back. Just you wait until I get better.

That, I can be bullish about. Rant over.

posted from Bloggeroid

Tumblers

Having recently watched a super-informative video on how to pick a lock, I was inspired to try and learn how to do so.

I figured that it was a useful skill to have. But I have no Bobby pins, nor a practice lock. Oh well then, I guess I can try it out on a simpler lock first.

I made myself the two-part lock pick by breaking apart two paperclips at my workspace. Although they aren't as sturdy as Bobby pins, they should still work on simpler locks which require less tension to twist.

I'll probably try some of the locks back home when I return this weekend. The padlock at the hostel is way too heavy and intricate.

Here's to another side project to feed my eccentricity.

posted from Bloggeroid

Tactics

Well, work has been slightly more fun now, since the external audit is over.  The Microbiology team and I are working on a new in-house method to reduce expenses for one of our products.  Hopefully it will turn out right on the first try, and I'll only know for sure on the coming week.

I've also come to the realization (well... for the past few weeks) that I'm currently living in my physical prime.  That's crazy!  As such, I've been slowly incorporating some exercise into my daily routine.  I say "slowly" because as of now, it's a weekly routine.  It's mainly doing star-jumps, high knees jogging and burpees.  I'm trying to develop my own weight training regime to predominantly work on cardio.  Consider it a side project, as running is tough to manage around my hostel, and futsal is very inconveniently timed.

Anyway, that's a minor update of work and life.  I'm mainly here to talk about XCOM 2.  Yes!  Here comes my second review of the year!  Honestly, I'm running out of interesting games/movies to consume as I just finished said game, and Marvel's Daredevil Season 2 (which was above average, review not included).

Back to the game, one of its selling points was the added feature of character customization.  I quickly poured hours into it, revamping my squad to resemble my closest friends.  While it isn't the most comprehensive customization tool out there, it does the job in somewhat resembling the people I have in mind.  By the way, I loved the idea of editing their nicknames (although they had to be a certain rank to get them).

Many improvements were made from its predecessor, and the alien unit designs were unique and terrifying.  XCOM 2 carries over its tightrope tactical feel, with every move feeling like a tense roll of the dice.  Sometimes your elaborately planned move could flounder tremendously, and with the same token, executed with near flawless beauty.  There are still some minor problems from the game which did snare my gaming experience a little.

My gripe was the problematic camera angles when it comes to elevation, as one wrong click could send your unit to a completely different tier of a building, to an unintended location.  Another problem was the amount of bugs in the game, like having a unit fire with his/her back towards an enemy, or having random appendages protruding through walls.  Furthermore, the Psi Warrior class (revealed in the later stages of the game) can be overpowering even if they're trained with only half the Psi skills.  Like... unfairly omnipotent.  

Lastly, the endgame sequence was rather underwhelming.  I recall having hair-pulling, teeth grinding deliberations when doing the final mission of XCOM: Enemy Unknown (or the expansion, Enemy Within), with every turn growing increasingly harder as the final boss was just that powerful.  That wasn't the same case with XCOM 2.  Don't get me wrong, it was tricky, but just didn't feel as dreadful as the first one (and it honestly wasn't due to my preparedness).

I was also confused by the lack of an alien offensive towards The Resistance.  For a guerrilla-like outfit turned symbol of humanity's hope as the game progressed, my ship and its crew were never threatened by idea of an entire army of aliens hunting us down.  There was no fightback.  The aliens were just waiting to respond to the next supply raid or facility attack, while fiddling with their confusingly-numbered digits as I trained up my squad.  That didn't make sense.

I ended the campaign with quite a number of casualties.  Believe you me, I had to reload numerous times to try and save them from their impending fate, but I grew tired towards the end and resorted to damage control instead.  Here's the full list of "deaths".

Adli (and later Kevin) got shot because they went all gung-ho, Savannah got killed because Hanan panicked, Yen Fei got knocked off a ledge for doing absolutely nothing wrong, Yan Yao was ganged up for no reason, Atia met her maker because she helped Fang instead of saving herself.  Hanan was KIA shortly after that, and Naufal had a very bad stroke of luck. Yan Chee was poisoned and Pauline blew up. Life... 

Due to some bugs, Joyce and Suzanne were permanently "injured" and can't be recalled into the squad.

The entire squad roster included: 

Ranger

- Fang Hao (Fangerz) Lim

- Devinia (Sunshine) Owen Devan

- Joyce (Jozelano) Wong

- Gaby (Maple) Choo

- Savannah (Savvy P) Putnam (KIA)

- Hanan (Akana) As'ad (KIA)

- Yan Chee (Pickle&Fig) Chong (KIA)

Specialist

- Sabrina (Yama) Jamaludin

- Jordan (JDogg) Larson

- Gayithiri (Shasta) Kunathasan

- Suzanne (Zak) Chan

- Yan Yao (Prastic) Chan (KIA)

Grenadier

- Danny (Playa) Obermiller

- Danny (Fenix) Voon

- Allen (B2) Robles

- Kevin (Kable) Chuah (KIA)

- Roger (RaticatEX) Ng (KIA)

Sharpshooter

- Chin (Benchwarmer) Jitki

- Juana (Bengal) Castelli

- Justin (Reus) Oon

- Yen Fei (Boss) Chung (KIA)

- Naufal (Rainman) Razin (KIA)

Psi Warrior

- Zhe Xu (Warurr) Oeh

- Celine (B1) Robles

Unranked

- Atia Zainal (KIA)

- Adli Shah (KIA)

- Pauline Tan (KIA)

I'm doing another playthrough on the second-hardest "Veteran" difficulty setting, but there doesn't feel like a lot of replayability value offline.  We'll see if I am crazy enough to go on the hardest difficulty setting.

Regardless, I love what Fireaxis has done with the XCOM reboot and will look forward to XCOM 3, or whatever it's called.

Sooner or Later - N.E.R.D.

Allure

There's this... Draw that you have. It's just... So fascinating to me. Crazy as it sounds, I think I would like to date you. Or at least... Attempt to.

You, and all your obvious eccentricity and craziness. I find that chaos somewhat calming. Perhaps because it's the polar opposite to my current mellowed state.

Shame that we're at least three continents apart.

I need to sleep. I'm obviously spouting dribble from a random shower thought.

Regardless, you're still ridiculously cute (that extends to you, fellow reader). Goodnight, now.

posted from Bloggeroid

Make

Sometimes I wonder why people can't be more like me.

Did that sentence make me sound like a I've some delusion of grandeur? Okay, then.

What boggles my mind is how people don't make time for others as much as I do. Oh, this is part rant, part self-loathing. So bye now, audience.

Sure, everyone has different priorities and it varies from person to person. Unfortunately I set myself up for disappointment. When people make effort to meet up, at least write back.

Make time for others when time is still an interchangeable currency to your youth. Because I'll definitely be tight on expenditure once I'm older. And some people won't make that list, arguably.

I hate being strung up and led on. Even more so if one makes false promises.

posted from Bloggeroid

Grace

Had another livid dream today. And I'll just write it here because I enjoyed it as much as I am disturbed by it. Have at it.

Another fleeting moment, and we found ourselves together. The world around us drowned out, as though my universe had shrunk into two things: her, and the adjoining seats holding my world together.

Her golden hair glowed under the generous gift of the sun's rays. To think that such beauty was mere inches from me had me enamored. My arm seemed to have managed to find solace on her opposing shoulder.

I wish I could tell you what her scent was, but my olfactory sense was the least engaged. What happened next was out of character.

Clutching her shoulder, I pulled her closer to me. I felt her body shudder from the sudden shift, but she quickly relaxed, embracing it. Then she countered.

She drew her face closer to mine, her eyes drawing level, while her pupils unfolded her soul. I felt a jolt down my spine, tingling my neurons as I raced through the permutation of outcomes to follow.

And then, I just went for it.

I nudged into her face, feeling the softness of her cheek, her prominent facial feature. Her body gravitated towards mine, inviting me in.

We exchanged glances, and then we kissed. Our existence was invisible to the everyone else. That was fine. It was actually... ideal.

And I am not used to "ideal".

As time resumed, we parted and I felt the grooves slowly peel away from my lips. My heart felt reinvigorated. I felt truly happy.

She flashed a smile, followed by an expression I had not foreseen. She was visibly disgusted. My guesses are, she was upset because she reciprocated. Maybe, she-

"Eww." she interjected.

Yep. That confirmed it. My hand, which was once on her arm, snaked to the back of her chair. I lowered my gaze, trying to come up with an appropriate apology.

Nope. Nothing.

"I'm sorry for doing that. I shouldn't have." she broke the silence wedging between us.

And there it was. The world I had fabricated, shattering, and bleeding out into reality. Then came the sunlight, blinding me, as I'm pulled back into consciousness.

There. Another scenario of the sort of romantic I am.

Off topic, Daredevil Season 2 is interesting. Thankfully I can forget about The Flash or Arrow now. Not gonna lie, Deborah Ann Woll had a huge part to play.

Also, XCOM 2 is a painfully lovely game which is more rewarding than the already well-regarded Darkest Dungeon. Renamed my entire squad after me and by closest friends. I've restarted four missions already. Only "Adli" remains dead in my virtual game to this date.

posted from Bloggeroid

Scatter

Scatter.

Like dust,
Of the past monument,
And onward to an unknown future.

Like ashes,
So those who have passed,
Will provide guidance.

Like flowers in the autumn.
For the fallen petals,
Are merely a promise for who I can be.

For the garden that will bloom,
In a flurry of brilliance,
And beauty.

posted from Bloggeroid

Grave

Today was Cheng Beng for my family. That is the Chinese practice of visiting our ancestor's graves to pay our respects, by cleaning up the compound, blessing them with holy tags, and gifting them "money for the dead", for their afterlife*.

*Correct me if I'm misinformed, because I've lost a lot of cultural identity through the years.

Great great grandfather's grave was the first of the lot, and we have trouble locating it as many of his neighbors had relocated, thus making memory jogs that much harder with the removal of many landmarks.

Great grandfather and great grandmother were relocated some 4 years back to join my grandfather at adjoining graves in a new, nicer complex in Semenyih. They used to reside there in isolation, but not anymore.

My naivety blinded the glaring reality that people do die in my three years abroad. What was just an island of my ancestor's tombs are now inhabited by family other acquaintances. And it is morbid to think of such drastic changes in scenery when I was abroad.

Once we were done with formalities, my parents took a detour to another site, which was new. Puzzled and assuming my cultural duty as the eldest son, I joined them to visit this new site. Maybe we relocated a distant relative, I thought.

My dad quickly addressed that question, with an alarming sense of casual calmness. It was Uncle Wai Chong, my parent's close friend. I didn't even know about it.

Reading his tombstone, and realising that my parents had already outlived him made it slightly more dreary. He would have celebrated his 51st birthday just two days ago. He died last year, just months before my return to Malaysia. Tears started to well up. I did my best to suppress them.

I still remember visiting his house, and fishing for the first and only time in the pond right outside Uncle Wai Chong's compound. That was almost 7 years ago, and I never met him since.

Little did I know that would be the only time I see him in person. The fragility of human life really upsets me.

I've said this before about this blog and the feelings portrayed here. It's unapologetically real and organic, and I won't put a positive spin on this. I'm not sorry for that. I'm only sorry that everyone has to live through this pain.

Tiny note: 7 Years - Lukas Graham. Right in the feels.

posted from Bloggeroid

Intelligent

What was initially perceived to be a simple dinner, led to an intriguing and intelligent conversation on life, family, relationships, culture, studies, movies, and Gerald Butler (mainly my dislike towards him).

Four and a half hours later, I left with high spirits and a satisfied stomach. Thank you, Yan Chee, for making this week less dreary. Here's to more insightful discussions, and good dinners.

posted from Bloggeroid

Plant

It's been eight working days in Port Klang and it's been a drab, sadly. Granted I can't assume to be running the whole place like a pro when I need to learn the way things work, first.

The language barrier is a lot tougher than I thought, too. My abysmal command of Malay makes it hard to convey the message to my team of 13, sometimes. Thankfully my colleague and boss have a tendency to talk in English.

There's loads of nuances when it comes to a QA lab being placed in a production plant. The biggest thing being the various staff from multiple departments in which we have to liaise at one time to get an order through. I was quite shocked to see a fellow friend from Iowa State who had joined the same company, but in the materials planning department.

So here are the misfortunes I've had already. I've lost my work shoes (steel-toed, and HR refuses to get me another one for their hiccup), and that's it. Wow... That took a turn. Yeah, I guess in hindsight work isn't that bad, aside from it being mundane from all the paperwork. I came in just in time for audit season so I've been running around doing donkey work.

But there's literally not much to do in the hostel. It's hot and stuffy, and you can't open the windows as pests will swarm in. My roommates are quiet, and thus far I've been spending my nights either watching movies, listening to podcasts, and grinding on Darkest Dungeon (what can I say, it's a good game). Shows include Spotlight, Creed, The Big Short, and Welcome To The Sticks. I'm looking to add Deadpool to that list soon.

I'm slowly trying out the food from around the place (nothing fancy, of course) and might consider random meet ups later in the future. The jams are bad, since I can only get off over rush hour and the same goes for when I return to DU.

The biggest bummer, is how quickly the weekend just goes by. I read somewhere that it's healthy to have an off day for each week. Last week saw me binge watching Masterchef Canada, four hours straight. It's down to the final four and I'm excited.

I still can't get over my misfortune with the car radio, as they're always blaring the pop music I so strongly dislike (due to their monotony and lack of substance). To make matters worse, my car radio fails to read my pendrive so even a personal playlist doesn't make a difference.

The good news is that I get lots of karaoke practice and shower thoughts while driving. And the most profound notion thus far was the idea of seafaring for months on end. I wonder how that would be like, living in a vessel for months, detached from the world.

That would be quite the experience. Anyway, I am looking forward to my first paycheck and how I can think of personal improvements from there, like books and online courses and whatnot, plus taking out friends for meals. I'm giddy with excitement.

posted from Bloggeroid

Adult

So... I took the job offer.

Yep, I'm going to be a grown-up and start working for Mewah Dairies as a Quality Assurance Executive. I start in two days.

Since the workplace is an hour away from my place, I'll be taking up the company hostel which saves travel time and toll money.

As such, I'm not sure how often will I be able to blog on this spot (finally, a legitimate reason, eh?) and I am not sure how much time I'll have for friends at the DU area.

Hopefully I can meet new people, too and have a balance between social gatherings and groups.

Things might get much better soon. I might just be back to great again. I've been in a slump for too long.

It's crazy to think that it took me 10 months of unemployment to get here. But all that matters now is my professional development. And this job is demanding and you know I'm a glutton for challenges.

Here's to brighter times. And I hope to revisit this space soon. Moreover, since I only do suggestions via my laptop, I'll leave one here to break the pattern.

~~Crush - Yuna ft. Usher

posted from Bloggeroid

Jobs

You know what's the worse thing that can happen while you're in the toilet?

You get a phone call regarding a job position you applied for. Seriously, I can't function normally with my pants down.

On another note, there's a high chance that I'm taking up a job offer. The main reason why I'm still slightly reserved is because the last time I accepted a job offer, I got forced out of the US.

But it does seem promising, and I might just be teetering back to the adult half of my life soon.

Let's hope my driving skills can keep up.

posted from Bloggeroid

Pearly

Today's her birthday.  

The girl with an odd name as such, although rather befitting for her smile.  I met her during my Sunway Uni times, as we have many common friends.  Pearly was the tiniest person of the lot, at nearly 5 feet tall.  Perhaps that's why she stood out.

Her soft-spoken nature and low voice made her seem much smaller than her actual size.  Yet, she commanded attention in the group through respect, and not in a basic b**th sort of way.  She was well-respected throughout the department, even with such a low quota of words ever being mustered from her mouth.

I found that intriguing.  

We've only had one class together, as she was a Finance major while I was in Biomedical Science.  That class was Business Statistics (it was one of my Gen Ed requirement courses).  I remember sitting in that small classroom in day one, when she hurriedly took a seat a matter of seconds before classes started (punctuality was a big thing in Sunway).

As our lecturer was conducting the formalities, introducing herself, stating her qualifications, she stopped short when she saw Pearly.  

"Well, hello there", she exclaimed.  "Pearly Siow, right?"

I noticed that Pearly was slightly taken aback, having been called out.  Embarrassed, Pearly just nodded.

"You're the one who missed the final (for this class) last semester, right?"

You could hear the slight sound of chuckles in the back.  I was guilty of grinning a little (just a tad, promise).  She just flashed a quick smile and our lecturer went back to her business.

Class resumed shortly after that.  And throughout the semester, Pearly outshone the entirety of her peers (of course, that includes me) and aced every single assignment and exam that came her way.  Albeit her quiet and reserved nature, she never showed any aversion to helping others (and there were quite a number of students who needed help).  

It was more interesting to see this person take on a whole new persona whenever she's out partying and clubbing with her group of friends.  If I had matured some 5 years ahead of my time, perhaps I would have overcame my social anxiety and actually got to know her.

Sadly, that would have to wait.  Maybe in another life.

Pearly died from cancer three years ago.  And I miss her more, because I never really knew her.  Rest in peace, Pearly.  Know that you're still loved by everyone in this side of the world.

Evening/Morning - 

Bombay Bicycle Club

Write

Currently I'm listening to Sabr's "Discover Weekly" playlist on Spotify as I write this.  The jazz-infused hip hop and rap tunes bring out the thinker in me, and makes it easier to write this piece.  

I've a rare moment of solitude in my own house: my sister has resumed studies in Australia, and my parents are out for their weekly Qi Gong session, buying me almost two hours to myself.  Usually at this time I'll be at Studio 46, busy combing through job applications with the help of less-abhorrent internet speeds.

Not today, though.  I'm going to finally revisit my Reader's Digest works and hopefully submit one "Inspiring Story" today.  I've already submitted a handful of entries to their "Jokes" segment.

Times have continued to be tough for me.  And a recent chat with Elisabeth, who's currently teaching English to schoolchildren in Vietnam, was a welcomed change.  She's a rare friend to have, considering how few words we've exchanged in real life.  It seems that we get along well, and don't require much common ground to have a conversation.  That's a welcomed feeling.

I've yet to make a new friend here, partly down to my financial constraints.  As a result, I'm reminiscing about my friends in ISU and how we've moved on from graduation.  I miss them a great deal.

I actually don't know where I'm going with this post.  I just somehow felt that it would help to verbalize my thoughts.  I usually cope with frenetic monologues, but I've been silent since dinner.

Maybe I'll do a personal karaoke session later, since I've reunited with my old, beaten up guitar.  Yeah, I'll do that.  After I finish up my write-up.

P.S.  I'm dying to get XCOM 2.  I need some tactical workout for my brain.  Frozen Synapse, which Chin introduced recently, was pretty good too.

Battlecry - Nujabes

Can't /won't

Just got back from Ban Joo's CNY open house and it was great to see old high school mates. Oh, how few things have changed...

That included losing to Roger in FIFA.

But I'm having my emotional bouts again. I want to see other people, and work on discounting my feelings for you. But I can't, or maybe I won't. I have no job, no money and that takes away my confidence.

All that's left is a struggling me, writhing in the dirt. I won't portray that to anyone. I can't. Even if you're non-judging eyes see me like this, I'd be ashamed.

Love is malleable to me sometimes. Today, I'm making it convoluted. Not by choice, sadly. Because I think I still love you. And that should be wrong.

posted from Bloggeroid

Eloquence

I can't sleep, even though I'm planning to wake up at 4 am to watch Liverpool play Augsburg and have two job interviews tomorrow plus I'm attending a friend's Chinese New Year open house at night.

I wonder if my proclivities can ever be discussed here. Sure, I'm writing this because I'm awed by Yan Chee's panache for writing and how she lays it bare. I can't do that yet.

Maybe it's because I would like to keep some moments to myself, without it being immortalized in this blog. Or maybe because I can't handle my own darkness sometimes, that I'd rather just brood about it than verbalize it all.

Perhaps, it's just not interesting enough to talk about. I dislike it when life's boring.

posted from Bloggeroid

Ball

Bin the current Malaysian tourism ad. Just use the footage from Ola Bola. All of it.

Yes! I'm writing my first movie review. Whutttttt. Granted I wanted to write this somewhat formally, but since my laptop is buggy, I can't do this with my phone.

Ola Bola bears the tale of the Malaysian national football team of 1980, and their attempts to qualify for the Moscow Olympics.

If was told through the looking glass of three players, namely Tauke, Ali and Muthu. That being said, the story resolves nicely around every other character associated with these three individuals.

Having not seen any of the previous movies done by said director (of which I don't know, yeah - informal), I went into this movie blind of expectation and appreciation. I only knew that he was behind the highly acclaimed movie called "The Journey".

And it was a good thing I did, too! The movie was beautifully shot, panning from the gorgeous Malaysian backdrop to the fully-packed Merdeka Stadium.

Everything the movie was oozed Malaysian roots. Roots of which my parents have lived through, and which I've never experienced. Stretching from the broken Manglish, to the strained economic setting, every scene was meticulously recreated to the Golden Age of Malaysian football.

The show was nothing short of tear-wrenching and difficult scenes. I found it beautiful that every scene was a huge hit on my pathos appeal. Oddly so as well, for each scene of the cast crying made me all teary-eyed myself. Be it from sadness, hope, or pride, every crying moment was well-constructed and full of narratives.

The movie was stellar, even with it's minor flaws. My only two gripes were the song choices as they failed to resonate with the moments in the show, and some football scenes as they were not believable. That being said, these are tiny blips in a proper movie.

What a movie for the fans, by the fans. If only the current football national team had seen this show before their forgettable campaign for the World Cup qualifiers.

Maybe I'll watch The Journey sometime soon.

posted from Bloggeroid

Query

I've been trying to write more.  Well, clearly not on this front, but on Quora.com.  It's sort of like Yahoo! Answers, but for smart(er) people, less trolls and is done through peers.

I learned that I can be reserved about expressing some opinions, in fear that I'm wrong.  That shouldn't be the case.  In fact, one usually can't tell if their wrong until someone else points it out, and I guess I should embrace that.

So I am slowly transitioning into being more... open, I guess?  And these questions range from a whole plethora of topics, from football to Malaysian politics, to Microbiology and my favorite- hypothetical scenarios.  I'd advise anyone interested to check it out, as you can tailor the topics and expertise to your liking.

At least I have that going.  Speaking of which, I should revise my previous Readers' Digest segments.  I've stalled on those for almost three weeks now and it's time to tackle it with a fresh start.

Also, Season Two of The Flash has been corny, but still fun.  Still reserved on Season Four of Arrow.

Now, off for dinner at (hopefully) MyBurgerLab.  About dang time I tried that place out.

On a happy note, Fang out.

Young In Love - Thelma Plum

Meander

I'm trying something different. Read the entire excerpt on one go, then re-read it line by line (combine the first lines of each stanza, followed by the second and the third).


I hate,
Lacking
Sleep.

I brood,
That much more,
Without intention.

I wish,
Emotional detachment,
Can be my skill.

I lost,
that part of my inhumanity.
It's funny.

Because I found love, and I didn't retain it.

posted from Bloggeroid

Book

I'm thinking about publishing a book. I know. Crazy, right?

But I'm not thinking about a novel. I would suck in those. A more appropriate genre would be a collection of poetry talking about brief spots in my life.

Upon doing some research online, it seems that it's a highly unprofitable choice. Also, one shouldn't write for the hopes of it being published: they should write because they enjoy it.

And so I was thinking that I write all these poems now and start compiling them. Maybe later in life would I decide whether should I publish them, or just post them up on this blog.

Time to start making a list on events.

posted from Bloggeroid

Divide

I can't find a good moment out of life of late.  Maybe I've lost the principle of "living in the moment", but I'm in a very hard place now.

So once again, I'm sorry for being sappy, and vulnerable.  And sorry for the limited vocabulary.  My brain isn't up to the task right now.

I'm still having issues with finding a subleaser to my apartment in the US (see preceding post), finding it hard to claim for baggage damage from KLIA, requesting for a refund for my cancelled flight a month ago, and unemployment.

Yeah.  That last part feels like a knife in the back.

I'm doing my best, promise.  But it's concerning to know how unprepared I was for the real world.  I'm not naive anymore: just plain old stupid, and unresourceful.  Stick me into a jungle and I'll probably hurt myself more often than anticipated.

Also, it's downright frustrating when each parent feeds you conflicting ideals.  My mom was talking to me about looking for internships and co-ops if I can't find a full-time position, and immediately my dad shoots down that notion by demanding I find a full-time position exclusively in my field of study.  

Now this is hard to fathom due to my parents having to work many odd jobs before settling on their long-term careers.  Why am I not given the same treatment, when the Malaysian economy is degrading by the day?  That, I honestly cannot wrap my head around.

I'm still looking to submit my writings to Readers' Digest for some small money, and even then my parents are quick to say: "Why not focus your time on applying for jobs, etc?".

It's also increasingly infuriating when they both team-up against me.  For example, my mom can be treating me to a nice I dunno- drink or something, but when my dad brings up some "I told you so" scenario, she immediately jumps ships and gives me crap, too.

I mean, it's great that you two are doing it as a couple and all, but aren't I your son?  Can you not do the hairdryer treatment and help me out, minus the snarky comments?  Yeah, those little tidbits of insults that you have badgered me to refrain from using?  

Life's hard right now.  Very hard.

Because I don't have space to be my own person, struggling to deal with life.  Sometimes I wish my parents will just throw me out of the house and have me figure it all out, as they have when they completed college.  Note I'm not saying that they were thrown out of their houses, I'm merely implying that they were allowed to due medial jobs to support themselves.

I might just fail, but I might just succeed as well.  Regardless of the matter, I hope that these mistakes will help my siblings and others in the future.  Because this was a royal mess-up.

The Sound - The 1975

Clause

This regards to my housemates and I trying to cancel our lease, since two (out of the three) aren’t in The States, and one more is about to leave.  I need a medium to vent, because I find this situation… difficult.  Sorry, readers.

To give some context to this situation, I had asked said friend (let’s call him O) to try and meet up one-on-one with the owner/landlord/whoever who owns our place to discuss the cancellation of our rental lease.  Previously, O had met with the office to hand over a formal letter requesting for termination of our renting lease (it wasn’t one from the looks of it, which aggravates me, but that’s beside the point).  However, I brought up that it would be more efficient to cut out the middle man (or in this case, office) and approach the owner instead.  That way, communication would be swifter and his presence (or case) would be more tangible.

O’s Response:

Lauren Fay is the manager in charge of the (property management) office. If you have something more to tell me as to why I would simply walk into the office and ask for our deposit back maybe I can have something to say or a reason why I would ask for my deposit back when they clearly written on the first page (of our rental agreement) “no cancellation clause” or “break lease clause”.  Please, do tell.

What I said:

Because as my parents and I have discussed, this clause is only valid with permission from the owner.  This does not mean that we can’t cancel it, should the manager be willing to do so.

The office has no incentive to help us out: cancelling our contract would mean the office will have to find new tenants versus having a steady flow of money coming in without question or hassle.  It’s a business and they might not always do it in the best interests.

Also, it will be beneficial to meet Lauren in person because this is regarding money.  Potentially a lot of it.  We’ve known this for a while now and unfortunately, Jon and I aren’t around.  By that virtue, you are the only one capable of making a difference in this scenario.  If you aren’t willing to do so, could you at least find out whether has Lauren received the message and what’s her response? 

We have no timeline on when she will get back to you and that means we can’t act as quickly as preferred.

What I meant to say:

That is why I find you difficult.  You clearly aren’t fighting as hard as the rest of the team, and we need to rely on you for any remote success.  But if you aren’t willing to knuckle down and try a little harder, then what progress will you achieve but null?

If it was up to me to find someone else to do this, I would do so in a heartbeat.  But this isn’t up to me.  So you need to put your grown-up pants on, man the hell up, and quit your incessant complaining.  Your tantrums wear me thin and it abhors me.

I don’t see what the big fuss is about.  You have so much time on your hands now, since your contract with *blank company* ended, so why not put that time to use?  Are you simply going to let the property management take our money from us without trying, even if we don’t have the means to pay them anymore?  Because letting them have it their way is the one thing we are trying not to do (hence this whole hullabaloo). 

The world ain’t easy, straightforward and/or clear cut.  Otherwise we’d all be merry and won’t have this conversation.  Do your damn job.

Love Yourself - Justin Bieber