Affection

I'm in an affection gap.

At least, that's what I interpret it as.  Throughout the years of experiencing a mixture of self-doubt, bad timing, and sheer crummy luck, I've been date-less.  Single, not seeing anyone outside of my college life.

Not to say it was a bad thing, but it meant me finding additional ways to cope with my emotional needs.  As much as I'd like to think of myself as the stoic, unshakable and brooding loner who's comfortable in my own skin (the latter which is true... I think), I still need to have a love for something.

Gradually through the past five, six years, my acts of love had diversified, simmering away from a sole recipient to more people.  Eventually, instead of a focused beam of light, it has dispersed to an irradiation instead.  I lost a specific target for my affection.  

Specifically caring more for one individual had became sharing that love to a small group of people, and eventually to many.  Loving became sort of an unintended action.  Hugs became more frequent.  I'd occasionally buy meals for others.  Hour-long conversations became the norm.

However, there was always an anchor to my emotional support.  For the longest time, that was Sabr.  Of the recent times, it was someone else.  Let's give her the alias of Amber.  

Amber was special, as she filled the emotional void I had since I met her some two years ago.  As I got to know Amber more, the compulsion of needing Sabr's support wasn't as high.  I had the opportunity and privilege to share my feelings and emotions with someone else, and that helped me a lot.

Obviously, I fell for Amber.  It wasn't a mistake, God no.  But I would admit, it was at the worst time.  She has a boyfriend now, and that meant us having less time together.  That's okay though, as I understand and respect her decisions for prioritizing her relationship ahead of our friendship.  

She's happy.  Irrevocably, happy, and in love.  And as it does sting a little, I'm glad that she has found some happiness.  Everyone deserves love.

As Amber has taken the backseat as my emotional helper, Sabr now holds the #1 spot again.  However, the latter had recently resumed her studies so our availability comes at a premium now.  Furthermore, she's been growing increasingly fond of the guy she's currently dating, and that means more time allocated elsewhere.

Again, I'm not going to get in the way of her happiness.

It just means that I've less time to spend with either of my emotional "anchors", which leaves me with phases of vulnerability and insecure moping.  I'm not in the dumps, let me clarify that.  It's just... that the void is back again.  There's a small sense of emptiness inside and I don't know when will that go away.

I hope that by reinventing myself with all these personal side projects can help that, but only time will tell.  In the meantime, fingers crossed I can be more gutsy in asking people out for dates (brownie points for actually succeeding).

To disrupt the tension of this writing, I had recently shaved my pubes to gain a perspective of Western cultural practices.  And it was Goddamn stupid of me to do so.

Work Song - Hozier