I haven't been blogging much as I've prioritised self-flagellation in my spare time, obviously.
By that I mean putting myself through football-and-podcasts masochism every day.
Last weekend I had met up with secondary school tuition mates, whom I've not seen in over five years. And it's crazy to see how easy one can fall out of touch with friends. Still, it is a joy to be able to recollect odd memories and catch up on so much lost time.
Sadly I'm only writing today as a means to cope. Being Raya break, it was initially planned for me to visit my mom's side at Ipoh this Wednesday. Unfortunately those plans have changed since lunchtime today as my grandaunt had passed away.
And here's the problem: I feel eerily indifferent. Maybe it's because I'm at work and need to pull it together, or maybe I'm in "resistance phase" and will only feel it later after work, or maybe I have been waiting for this for long enough that it just doesn't surprise me anymore.
For the latter statement, I say that because her health has been rapidly deteriorating since my return last December. It has been 8 months and her condition will only continue to worsen with age. So yeah, maybe I've made my peace and spent every goodbye with her knowing that it could be my last, and maybe that's why her eventual passing came and went without me regretting much.
I don't know. And for the next 4 hours at work, I can't know how to feel. I'm the only member of senior management in my department at work and need to exhibit proper leadership.
I'm getting too good at compartmentalizing my emotions. To feel less seems rather... Bad to me and it is beginning to scare me. Have I lost some sense of empathy? Or worse, do I not care enough?
Here's what I do know: I'll miss her. I'm going to play football later or jog or something to forget about the world for a while. Then, I'll cry. My family will cry. And I have the week off for Raya break so that will be some time to reflect on these feelings and thoughts.
Until then, I guess I'm a sociopath.
By that I mean putting myself through football-and-podcasts masochism every day.
Last weekend I had met up with secondary school tuition mates, whom I've not seen in over five years. And it's crazy to see how easy one can fall out of touch with friends. Still, it is a joy to be able to recollect odd memories and catch up on so much lost time.
Sadly I'm only writing today as a means to cope. Being Raya break, it was initially planned for me to visit my mom's side at Ipoh this Wednesday. Unfortunately those plans have changed since lunchtime today as my grandaunt had passed away.
And here's the problem: I feel eerily indifferent. Maybe it's because I'm at work and need to pull it together, or maybe I'm in "resistance phase" and will only feel it later after work, or maybe I have been waiting for this for long enough that it just doesn't surprise me anymore.
For the latter statement, I say that because her health has been rapidly deteriorating since my return last December. It has been 8 months and her condition will only continue to worsen with age. So yeah, maybe I've made my peace and spent every goodbye with her knowing that it could be my last, and maybe that's why her eventual passing came and went without me regretting much.
I don't know. And for the next 4 hours at work, I can't know how to feel. I'm the only member of senior management in my department at work and need to exhibit proper leadership.
I'm getting too good at compartmentalizing my emotions. To feel less seems rather... Bad to me and it is beginning to scare me. Have I lost some sense of empathy? Or worse, do I not care enough?
Here's what I do know: I'll miss her. I'm going to play football later or jog or something to forget about the world for a while. Then, I'll cry. My family will cry. And I have the week off for Raya break so that will be some time to reflect on these feelings and thoughts.
Until then, I guess I'm a sociopath.
posted from Bloggeroid
No comments:
Post a Comment