Yield

Life has been tough.  Sadly, this is all I can add.  It's been a few months now, since I've blogged and it's becoming more and more apparent as my college life progresses.  I find myself having less and less time to devote to this blog, however its vision may be, as I get more and more busy no matter how I try to cut down the workload.

I've been back to Malaysia, as mentioned in the previous post and so I shall touch on that first.  Going home sucks.  The weather's too damn hot (I came during Winter, mind you), the people are shoddy, the overall hygiene is questionable at times, the command of English is dreadful, you re-encounter the same damn problems and worst of all, no one gives two cents about you being around.

I mean, I'd be flipping out seeing a former high school mate, casually striking a conversation without hesitation; I'll be taking the initiative to spend time with people, probably because I haven't seen most of them for at least a year and a half, most of them even longer than that!  I hate (yes, this is a strong word being deliberately used) that I'm almost totally ignored by others, spewing secondhand comments like "Oh, Fang?  He has an accent now" or "Ah, how is he?".  Maybe it's because I expected too much from others, when I shouldn't be asking for any contributions to start, or maybe it's because I want to feel at home, on my actual home soil.

Going home sucks, ultimately because you need to leave all of them again, without feeling a shred of difference of what you were and what you are today.  I've yet to prove myself, at least in my own eyes.

But the fact is, the more you experience different cultures, the more you travel, then the idea of home gradually gets distorted.  I mean physically I'm in my apartment now (which really feels like a college-grade home now), spiritually it's always intact in this vessel of a human body.  However, emotionally and socially, now that's the real question: I love my friends here in The States, with their diversity, the "melting pot" of culture, it's amazing; at the same time, I can't relate to most of them on a more intimate level with them compared to the folks halfway across the world.  

Not just that, what happens once I graduate?  I'm in my Junior year, with 22.5 credits to go before graduation.  That's in another year.  Can I get a job by then?  An actual job where I'm willing to work?  What about logistics?  Where, when, how?  I'm clearly experiencing Senioritis prematurely, but with valid reasons.  My grades have been faltering, too.  Sometimes I feel that I've lost my drive, and picking up the ball is not going easy... I'll just have to keep my head down and grind out the results.

I'm also facing the struggles of living up to others' expectations, while trying to steer away from that.  I wish I could be more detailed about it, but that's not fair to others.  I'm inadvertently taking the blame for not wanting to advance up the ranks, and because of that others are prematurely forced to run the organization, although their lack of extensive experience.  This is what is to come should I not continue.  I'm not saying this out of pride or my ego, but that is the reality of the case, as the other senior members do not wish to move any higher in the hierarchy as well.  

As mentioned earlier, I am graduating in a year's time.  I don't want to squander the experiences I could have with other clubs and organizations.  There's so much more that I wish I could get involved in, and the current organization I'm in is conflicting with this.  It's not a bad thing, but this organization takes a lot of my time and effort, on a voluntary basis.  So I'm stuck between what I want to do, and what I should do to ensure the continuity of the organization (again, not my words).

There's too much going on, and it is going by so quickly that sometimes I just want to scream it out.  The world's only gonna get faster and faster from here on out, and I can only hope that I can keep up with the pace.  There's so much I want to experience, that I want to do, that I want to feel, that I reckon I'm demanding too much of my overachiever-self.  The worst part?  I've frankly yet to achieve anything.  And with a heavy sigh, I'll end here.  I realized that I was supposed to sleep an hour ago.  Well, goodnight.

Storms and Hurricanes - Animal Liberation Orchestra