Above

It's way past my weekday bedtime, and I can't shake the infuriating phone call I had over work today.

I was getting yelled at for work I wasn't aware, that wasn't in my job function, by a superior I don't answer to.

But that's not the issue.

I've been yelled at many times for uncalled reasons (discounting the same amount of things I've messed up in the past).

I'm upset at how this interaction went and the situation it has inadvertently created. Usually when I get an earful, things change for the future and people self-correct for good.

I'm unsure about this one.

Perhaps because I'm pessimistic and think my working relationship with said colleague might be irreparable. I also fear that this will disrupt tram chemistry in the 13-person strong company.

What also grinds my gears, is how powerful words can be, when used to hurt.

So perhaps as a reminder for me in a later stage, is to remember that you shouldn't get angry at the person, so much as to be angry at the situation.

Don't go lashing out at others. No one deserves to be treated mean.

Here's to hoping my brain can turn off after writing this, and that my above-average emotional intelligence (anectodal, but I get that a lot) remains intact.

Reborn

Hello to an anthology of what was the Covid pandemic years.  It's been a long time.

I initially wrote this with the positive things first, but come to realise that I should feel good about my return to this space.  So... here's the not-so-good stuff first: 

1) Constantly being extremely hard on myself

This ties in to my punching-down of salary demands (covered later), but I am getting better at it.  I think moving to a new faith which made more sense to me is slowly taking positive effects in shutting down the self-negativity.

2) Getting Covid

It was never ascertained where or when did I get it, but if I had to guess, it was probably from white-water rafting (which was terrifying, but also exhilaratingly fun).  Kevin having been tested positive as well, and was also half-drowning with me in the rapids, probably clued in my guesses.  

I was mortified when my lab results came back with positive results, especially being worried about spreading it to my parents and grandma.  Shortly after, my dad and Jols both got it, and I felt guilty (since I probably gave it to them).

3) The Russian invasion of Ukraine

I cannot stress this enough, that fuck conflicts and the pain and suffering it brings.  No one wins, be it the troops who were forced to invade a neighbouring country, or the lives lost or displaced from homes being destroyed.  It's also extremely painful to see a looming near-future dystopia of information feeds having memes next to global disasters. 

4) 1MDB... again 

More cases had resurfaced, with more bad actors and cases of corruption.  It boils my blood that the convicted ex-PM walks free with his bootlickers at his beck and call.  Him and all his cronies do not deserve any relevance in Malaysian history.  Let their names die in time, as unwritten history.

5) Losing my grandmother to Covid

Maternal grandma past away rather suddenly, and it came to a shock for most of us.  It's also sad how I've grown familiar with death in the family.  At least she's no longer in pain and suffering from the aftereffects of her stroke, which she had been facing for the past few years.  

It pisses me off to no end how I'm living through a historical event, especially how the pandemic was leveraged by Malaysian ministers to clamour for power, atop the bodies of dead citizens.  But with darkness, comes a new light.

The good stuff: 

1) Getting a job after six months of unemployment

I arguably shouldn't have negotiated for a lower pay, but I was adamant to never draw comparisons with my short stint at F&N. And I want to never have to be tied or linked with that. It was an awful working experience, despite the few nice people I've gotten to know there.  

The gig is a part QA, part R&D position.  It's a twelve-person strong company so a tight ship means doubling on job scopes.  I learned to bake cookies on the first week, and am very happy about the working hours. I get to be consistently punch out on time and be home by 6 pm to get something else done before dinnertime. 

2) Having a consistent weekly sporting session

These are mainly friends of Krys and Jer Rick but they're a friendly bunch with mixed skill level.  It's been a fun time getting to re-learn badminton with a more mature mindset and better understanding of my body.  It's always encouraging to see tangible improvements to my game through friendly coaching and self-study. 

I'm also grateful for being able to incorporate more consistent jogging sessions around the neighbourhood.  There's been a slow but gradual improvement to my stamina and speed and now it's a matter of maintaining a consistent workout routine while pushing for longer distances.  I recognise that  I still have a long way to go to be even considered decent (both time but more importantly distance), but it's something that helps me recenter my thoughts (while also chipping away at the podcast backlog).

3) Getting better at approaching stray cats

My upbringing was exclusively pet fish and the occasional tortoise, so hardly any meaningful interactions are made there.  Getting to be gentle while petting what are clearly fluffy good girls/boys is nice training to prepare a future where I have furkids of my own.

4) Being reborn as a Christian

This took a lot of soul-searching and introspection, but I ultimately took the dive and embraced a faith which promotes love and kindness through the Church of Christ.  I am blessed to have support from my family members and friends on this new journey.

5) Krys and JR's engagement

Sure, she had figured out JR's plans way ahead of time.  It doesn't stop the fact that Jols and I got to document the entire thing and spend a memorable weekend with them in The Acres at Bentong.  I nearly teared up with joy.

As with a return to form: 

Written form.

Road returnal.

Strolled, Passed, Trudged, 

Through and before.

This body creaks.

Rusted, busted, entrusted.

Time was kind when I wasn't.

Yet I'm immersed in it,

the past not sloughed off,

a robe was placed upon instead.

It's not goodbye.

Merely a hello,

Again.

29

It's 2 am. I've just spent three hours on Galatic Conquest mode on Star Wars Battlefront 2 (the OG one from 2005). I've binged my random YouTube videos, listened to an episode of a podcast, and am ready to tuck myself to bed.

But I can't sleep. I'm in tears, after hearing the late news that my university senior had nearly died. He's recovering now, surrounded by family and a strong support system. But a few weeks prior, he was in the ICU, having suffered a Covid-19 infection, a stroke, and a brain tumour all in one go. He's only in his early 30s.

That's just fucking terrifying.

As I lay in bed with a heavy heart, contemplating mortality, I am brought back down to earth on how blessed I am, to be safe, to be healthy, to be financially well-off to afford a five-odd month sabbatical in the midst of a global pandemic (although I'd deffo like to be employed sooner), all while being surrounded by the people I love. Above all, I truly pray and hope that he gets back on his feet soon, and that he makes a full recovery.

I go into a new year of my life with newfound appreciation for all the good things I've earned and have been given.

Only two days back did I visit a dentist for the first time in eight-odd years (due to neglect - don't be like me), and be let off the hook with only a single partially-decayed tooth and some tartar (shout out cousin Michelle Chew for the good service).

It's has indeed been a long time since I've last posted here, because there wasn't much of a need to post here. I'm blessed that way, I suppose.

And yet, I'm filled with this deep well of sadness that life isn't fair. Today is a rare occasion that I embrace sadness over angered motivation.

There's no purpose to this post. I could write on about the good things which happened (and i arguably should, versus just playing another video game).

I just wanted to give my thanks and appreciation and deepmost gratitude to all the love I've received so far. I only hope that I can give more love than I have gotten (and will get).

With much love,
29 year-old Fang