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Changes have been tough.  Growing pains, yada yada yada.

I've left my Mewah post since mid-April to join F&N Dairies (the nextdoor "competitor"), most notably for a pay bump and a raise.  Unfortunately with the bigger post comes higher expectations, and I'm struggling, really really struggling.   I'm considering leaving, but I'll tough it out until a better opportunity arises.  Until then, imma get slapped in the face as I buck up this fast-paced work environment.  

Podcast update: SciShow Tangents!  Love it, love it, love it.  Great episodes just shy of half an hour and perfect for drives, while being light-hearted and informative.  Commander's Sphere is another Magic podcast which discusses casual EDH as a format/ideas.  BM Cast, the Budget Magic cast with two bubbly co-host talking about playing Modern and EDH at a budget.

Also, I'm going to take some time to jot down my bible study lessons here.  I'm not a Christian, to clarify things.  But Jols is, and if Christianity is important to her, then I'm going to learn more about Christianity as well.  Yes, I've had many bad brushes with Christianity in the past, but I'm trying to move on.  Anyway.  Lessons for me below:

26th June

Topic: Causes of sin

Verses: 1 Peter 5:8, James 1:15, 1 John 2:16, Matthew 15:19, John 8:32, John 17:17, John 6:44 45

Simplified take home message: We're born with sin, but the devil doesn't make you commit sin.  People are tempted by sin, constantly.  Even impure thoughts are sinful, and Jesus redeems us from sin.

On the question of people with mental health issues committing sin: Sin is measured by mentality.  If it's a child, they can't sin as they're unaware that they're committing sin.  So even if someone is physically older but mentally young (like mentally challenged people), they are not at fault for committing sin.   God judges based on the mental capacity of the person, and on their consciousness. 

4th July (continuation of last week's topic)

Verses: Romans 6:23, John 3:16, Tim. 2:4, Matt 7:21, Mark 16:16, Acts 2:38

There was a verse which covered it as "wages of sin", thus we are working towards sin.  Us going to/towards God has to be through Jesus.  There's another verse in talking about having conviction in the believe of/in Jesus. Trusting Jesus is what people need to do to get in touch with Jesus. Because the Truth  is God's word (John 14:6).

Anyway, that's all I got for now.  Will try to make this a more consistent thing, to get my mind off stressful things.

Growth

 I don't want this space to be remembered for only the bad times.  It would seem that only negative emotions generate the need to vent.

I want to start off by saying that I've been well, even when not in this space.  It only took me thousands of hours consuming podcast episodes and YouTube videos to realize that this blog is ultimately content, and that whether I acknowledge it or not, I'm also a content creator.

I suppose what I'm trying to get at is that everything I put here, it's permanent.  At least, that is my intention.  So with that, I'd rather put some positivity here versus only the lows recorded here.  The optics of my life seemed very skewed, or maybe that's just my outlook on this place.

Malaysia at this point, has poorly managed this pandemic due to this joke of a false government (we're in a second MCO due to the third wave of cases due to the Sabahan elections).  New Zealand have resumed life as normal, and remains a testament as what good leadership is.  But echoing what BFM have repeated over their radio streams, the pandemic has given us the gift of time.

So here's a list of things I've grown to love in the past year, since MCO took effect early in 2020:

1) Podcasts 

Having the workplace be forced to move towards conference calls as opposed to physical meetings meant us relying heavily on Microsoft Teams.  So with that, comes the liberty for me to plop on my earphones and work in silence.  The introvert in me relishes how I can get away with listening to podcasts and music as I work in silo.

Shoutout to Solely Singleton, a Magic: The Gathering podcast which focuses primarily on Cube, which is my main project to keep my mind occupied in these difficult times.  Long story short, MTG is a Trading Card Game and I've been slowly growing into it ever since Kevin showed Commander to me in 2016.

I believe they're the only new podcast I've been listening to.  Oh, plus EDHRec having their own podcast show (also MTG-related, this one for the Commander format).

I like how versatile podcasts can be, since I get to listen to it while at work, commuting, or even exercising.  Also, don't sleep on increasing the playback speed!  Saves a bit more time to do other things with your time.

2) Fruits!

I've been slowly trying to take charge of my personal health.  This started by experimenting eliminating most (if not all) carbs for my dinners, and that slowly transitioned to me incorporating more fruits into my diet.  The benefits became apparent when I realized that I've more energy in me the following day, and with better bowel movement.  Plus, you can feel more full without gorging down on meals.  Not that I'll turn a good meal down!

3) Shopee/Lazada

The boon of US consumerism during my uni times have finally came to Malaysia.  E-commerce made it so much easier to purchase essentials.  I've made so many quality-of-life improvements (most of them within reason, I assure you), thanks to these sites.  I upgraded my phone, laptop, got a fitness tracker, and even bought electronic skipping ropes to workout indoors, among many other things (especially gifts).

4) Family and friends

It goes without saying that my support system also grew stronger. given some absence.  After the initial MCO, I greeted my parents with a big hug.  And coming from an Asian household, physical affection towards immediate family is rare.  Jolene and I have been steadily growing as well, and that has grown me tremendously.  I love her so, so much.

So on that note, I guess I'll conclude this write-up, feeling a bit more grateful of the things I have.  Practice kindness, and stay safe.

BLM

*written on 9th June*

Two months plus being alone in Klang was tough, emotionally more than anything else.

Thankfully, I've been able to safely return to PJ for the past two weeks as the Movement Control Order (MCO) had been loosened to a Conditional Movement Control Order (CMCO).

It was very comforting to see that my family is safe, aside from our weekly updates via the family WhatsApp group chat.

I got to see Jols as well. It took some time for me to readjust to being around people I care for (and not just colleagues or inconsiderate Klang housemates).

I held her for a long time, both of us staying silent. I didn't know when to let go, possibly fearing that I've forgotten how to express care and gratitude. She was patient. I'm grateful for that, and thankful for her.

And then sadly, George Floyd died in the hands of police brutality. Another innocent black man, robbed of his life. Amidst a pandemic lockdown, riots took to the streets across the US. Police brutality escalates, even the military is mobilised.

Trump cowers in his White House bunker, a modern caricature of Adolf Hitler at the end of his fascist regime. Every day my disdain towards him grows, how he has perverted the US in such a short period. The National Guard could have been mobilized with COVID-19 testing centers been established months ago. Instead they'd rather mobilise them to wage war against their own citizens, committing war crimes by tear gassing peaceful protesters and destroying medical stations.

Despite all this cacophony, NASA SpaceX had ushered in a new chapter in interstellar travel, with Dragon 2 being launched into the ISS. I suppose these astronauts were lucky to get away from it all.

2020 is a crazy time to be alive. I can only beg for no repeats. No more hate crimes and no more senseless violence. And I'm on my knees, hoping for a better world tomorrow, as we heal and grow, with the pain, and hopefully past the pain.

Black Lives Matter.

posted from Bloggeroid

COVID-19

I never thought I'd have to live through a global pandemic.

It's been four months since a novel strain of Coronavirus popped out of Wuhan, China.  In between, a new Malaysian backdoor government (I'll call it for what it is) usurped the previous Pakatan Harapan administration to install the crooks and the corrupted back in power.  All without a single vote.  And out of spite, I hope their reign is only remembered through this COVID-19 crisis, and their ineptitude in handling it (Dr. Dzul under the PH government led the country's healthcare system admirably to mitigate the COVID-19 spread).

It's 10 pm now.  I've set up a mini-Command center in my Klang rental house, with a live stream of Astro Awani playing in the background.  The new PM is about to give a live press conference, hinting at a possible nationwide lockdown as the pandemic spreads further throughout the globe.

Italy has been hit hard recently, with around 1500 deaths daily.  The US, under abhorrent leadership, has lost the confidence of many people.  China's fudging the numbers of how severe it is on their home soil, adding to the doubt cast upon it's government in handling the disease.

I went through Giant Bukit Tinggi, and two 99 Speedmarts already.  All packed.  Some shelves have been cleared out.  I got some non-perishable food, hoping that maybe I won't need them.  It wouldn't last past ten days, anyway.  I had little space in my bags nor was I willing to stay out in crowded areas.

I've set up a bug out kit of sorts, ready to fuck back off to PJ to my parents in five minutes.  It's getting dicey.

Maybe I'm paranoid, but it's getting terrifying out there.

The new PM is currently live.  He has announced "controlled movement" from 18th to 31st March.  It's real.  Fucking hell, this is awful.

If you're reading this, friend, family, whoever, I love you.  I hope we can survive this.  

Moves

Yes, I'm writing this post because Jols asked me if I've posted anything recently.

Yes, I've dropped the ball a bit. I've taken less time to talk about my life and more time to alleviate whatever stresses/stressors I've in my life so far.

I've been trying to workout more often. Aside from the boring (and culinary pain) of phasing out my weekdays dinners for yoghurt, nuts and fruits, I've been trying to get some 30-minute blurps of cycling with my housemate's exercise bike (since I don't run as much).

Oddly enough (and I guess thanks to the trashy KSI v Logan Paul fight), I've been picking up boxing. Not partaking in the sport, though. I'm not fond of doing any combat sports. Just watching and appreciating the sport.

Aside from that, I'm learning to be more aware of my demeanour around others. Jols had called me out on a few occasions on my shit, and I am truly thankful for that, especially on my occasional hypocrisy and understanding consent better. Baby steps to being a better person.

Speaking of which, I'm extremely grateful to have her as a girlfriend. Having gone to church with her last weekend, it's a unique experience to revisiting Christianity, given how I've been burned by bad experiences with religion in the past. Not the fault of the religion, I must clarify. It's just a series of bad times I've had in the past.

But having to see the inner works of a person's world? That's a huge amount of trust to be... Entrusted upon (unintentional pun, sorry). I'm so grateful for her.

Work's been... Polarising. Having grown into a position of bigger influence at the workplace means double the work and twice the conflicts. Honestly, I don't know if I can handle another year here. But hey, if I do get a promotion, it might be good enough of a reason to stay.

I'm concerned for my recognition, KPI-wise, since I didn't get too much "initiatives" done in 2019, but I know I've done enough to warrant some consideration for a step up, especially since my colleague and boss had resigned a few months back. I'm now the most experienced person in the team. Time to leverage that advantage.

Also, I know didn't talk about grandma having suffered a stroke two years back, but having just seen the massive improvements she's made to her ability to speak full sentences via a phone conversation, it warms my heart. Currently in Ipoh for her birthday celebration. I'm gonna try and ignore the fact that my birthday comes around shortly after.

I guess this is a weird review of 26 year-old Fang as he grows a year older. I know I've made big improvements in the past year. Here's to making bigger moves in 2020.

Also, I love Magic the Gathering so much. I guess this is my Gunpla-equivalent phase for my twenties.

posted from Bloggeroid

Cheat

I just learned that one of my closest friends cheated on another good friend of mine. He cheated on her for ten months, according to her.

There was nothing I could've done about it. But I can be there for her now.

Believe victims.

I'll await until the dread finally settles in. Right now, I'm just numb.

posted from Bloggeroid

Sort

What's this? A double-post in a day? Yeah... I'm in Seremban for the day and the boredom is starting to set in. So I'm scouring through my drafts to post them.

This was from early June this year.



"It seems like you haven't found closure, yourself".

Honestly, I haven't really sat down to properly ruminate on that. While I think that I had lived my life without regrets, it seemed that I exhibited bitterness when I talked about "what if's".

So... Have I worked out my past issues and made peace with them? Some of them, yeah. As for the fringe cases, I don't know if I can ever do that. I'll just have to eventually come to terms with them. Until then, I'll do my best to not be over-encumbered by my past decisions.

I want to see the best in people, that when put in a tough situation, make the best decision, to the best of their knowledge at that given moment.

It might not be the nicest, or correct call, but that's the demand of pressure.

I might not agree with their choice, or their decision, but I cannot take away their thought process.

So why am I the exception to my own rule? Well, that's something I need to work on.

posted from Bloggeroid