Fixation

I know I'm not a mistake.  No, I'm not.  But it's different when I make the worse mistakes in life.  Many of which could have been avoided, but still I regressed to being careless, selfish, preoccupied.  My demons show up at the worst of times, and I feel worthless.

One simple mistake, and all it takes is a minute of realization: I had forgotten about my father's birthday.  There is no punishment severe enough to correct this mistake, and I will forever bear this reminder.  I had forsaken my own father, of whom I share flesh and blood with.  Tell me, what more wrong can you do but forget the one you love, who loves you more?

Mentally, I'm a mess, through and through.  Afraid to commit at times, ashamed to admit, always living in the fear of being marauded, of being alone.  Most days aren't like this, but in the back of my mind, I had always held these doubts.  The issue?  I fear that in an intrinsic way, I want to feel like this, to give myself a challenge, and that it will affect everyone around me, and it may take me a lifetime to fix that.

Primavera - Ludovico Einaudi

Merry Christmas!

Hey ho!  First of all, Merry Christmas to all!!

It has finally snowed!  Yay for that.  I even have a scab on my knee to show it.  Here are some pics of what we did when it first snowed.

First signs of snow, at Adli's place

Helping Kennard brush off all the snow accumulated on his car

Yen Fei and Cassie, with Kennard's new dog, Lucky

Me, being me

Even my dorm (well, included in the pic is the neighboring dorm) looks nice for a change

But honestly, it has been an uneventful week, staying at Cassie's place, apart from the Winter Solstice celebration we had.

 Tang Yuen, it's a traditional desert to commemorate the Winter Solstice.

Basically starch balls with pandan syrup.

Plus, goofing around in the snow, of course. We borrowed the snowman to take some pics.  Tried making our own as well, but the snow was too fluffy to ball up.  As for the un-eventfulness, we've been having the same good things over and over, it does get somewhat repetitive.

Except for the time when I exited Freddy without barefooted in shorts.  It was to open the door for Patrick, Jon and Kennard plus Lucky.  Then, Patrick grabbed me and pull me out into the snow.  Then, he wrestled me onto the ground and it was freezing (hint, -17 C)!  What's worse was that Cassie also exited the building and had left her key in the dorm, and the door would only open with a key card.  Yen Fei was the only one in Cassie's place but she didn't pick up her phone.  I had to call in my friend to get the door open and it was some 5 minutes before we entered the building.  By that time I had lost all sensation in my fingers and legs.  That, was crazy!!

I've been so preoccupied with movies, cooking and LAN parties (Left4Dead 2, Team Fortress 2, and Borderlands 2) that I didn't update this blog much.  But yeah...  Christmas is here, I feel bad for not getting presents for my friends.

That's it for now I guess.  Merry Christmas!  And to all (in Malaysia), goodnight.

Follow - Crystal Fighters

Winter

It beckons, it eludes, and I yearn it still.  Why won't it snow?  Consistently?  I had only a 2-hour display of snow before the flurries receded back to the wet, rainy Fall climate.

A one-day-only spectacle

Well, it's now Winter break and I'm near-death from boredom.  I've gotten some of my grades back (this soon!) and I have already one let-down.  I got a B for Philosophy 230 when I was on course for an A-.  That's two grades apart and I bombed my finals with a 19/30.  Thoroughly disappointed with myself.  On the bright side, the other result I had received was my Microbiology 302 Lab.  I got an A with a perfect score for my "Identifying Unknowns" experiment.  To add the icing on it, I was the only one in my section to achieve this feat, and although my final grade of 179/200 wasn't a standout in my section, I still had a good performance overall to merit the A grade.  At least some of my efforts paid off.

Oddly, I am rather bummed out that the semester has ended.  I had tons of fun in (most of the) classes and working with the International Students Council was a great experience.  Next semester will be a whole different story as I'll be taking more credits as well as having a lot more responsibilities, in addition to the much-maligned Recycling Chair position I hold in my dorm.  Idiots can't tell glass from plastic...

Next sem I'll be taking tougher courses like General Physics II (of which I've almost nil of familiarity with) and Microbiology 374, which is on Insect and Plant Pathology (I think that's what it is called).  Moreover, I intend to rejoin ISC for another bout of stress-sessions as VEISHEA (it's a parade, and the biggest thing to happen in ISU every year) will be a blast.  Moreover, I want to be more involved with the Microbiology club as they get to make their own root beer for VEISHEA!  My favorite soft drink (or "pop" as they call it here).  I'm not done yet: I'll be a Teaching Assistant for Micro 302L (say hello to goofing around with microbes) and will be a Research Assistant for a fellow Malaysian graduate student here in ISU.  I may just bunker in my room all day.

I've even made some plans for Winter break.  Four friends and I will be taking a roadtrip from Iowa all the way down to Orlando, Florida to go to Disneyland and Universal Studios.  Yes, the Magical Kingdom and Harry Potter can only equate to a "WIN" in my books.  As we're driving, we'll be stopping at each state along the way.  I've attached a map for some reference.

*Iowa is in the Midwest of The States, by the way*

We'll be heading southwards to St. Louis first (Missouri) and will spend a night there.  The next day, we're heading Southeast to Nashville, Tennessee and again, we're bunking over for a night there.  Our next destination is Atlanta, Georgia, which is the state below Tennessee, before reaching Orlando, in Florida.  Of course, we're going to sight-see and I wanted soooooo badly to visit the Center of Disease Control (CDC) at Atlanta as it holds the only sample of the deadliest diseases such as smallpox and the Spanish flu.  Sadly, the group got weirded out and decided to visit the Georgia Aquarium instead, which is the largest aquarium in the world, apparently.  December 31st is our departure date and the trip will be a week long.  It is gonna be awesome!

Speaking of plans, I've already made a couple of them for next Fall as well.  From my Micro 302L class, I was given notes on how to ferment your own wine.  Because I have to let it age for at least 6 months in a stationary location, I can only start the project once I move out of my dorm and settle elsewhere.  So if I ever die from this experiment (touch wood), you'll be glad to know that I did it in the name of Science.  Also, I'll be relearning Chinese as it's something I need to do.  Laugh all you want but I'm not gonna care.  This is what I want, and what my grandfather wants.  And I have to honor his wish.

That's it for now.  Time to start reading some books and watching my TV series!  Tata for now.

Ghost - The Preachers

Growth

Clearly, we all have our fair share of conflicts and disagreements.  This was the Facebook post regarding on of the major issues:

It's clear to see that we have internal rifts going on.  I would like to mention that Freedom of Speech has made this morally permissible.

Isaac, you have a right to express those concerns as you're addressing it to a friend.  However, it was rather offensive to attack someone in the open.  That being said, I can understand why you took such drastic measures as I felt this group has been inaccurately represented as of late.  To summarize my points, never rely on social media.  Go talk to the person, and get the actual message through.

As for Steffi, you too have a rightful say in this.  I too agree that someone should be approached directly if there's any concerns gravitating towards a said individual.  Unfortunately, I'm partially on Isaac's side here.  Before any misunderstanding occurs, I'm not against getting into relationships (that's a healthy thing).  But when things don't come out as planned, it makes everyone feel uncomfortable that you go around bad-mouthing about how he's a perv/ jerk, etc.  In all honestly, we've been here to see multiple similar scenarios.  So yes, we are concerned.

Let's be honest here, this group doesn't represent all of us.  We had our fair share of voices drown out and put down by others and that is unjust.  I've spoke out before, Danny has spoke out before, even Suzanne has spoken up before; still we were all silenced. This is looking less like a group of friends and more of a therapy session.  It's not as explicit as I am conveying it now, but that's the truth.

All in all, I blame the over-reliance on social media for the deviation of ideals and messages.  You have an issue, you can bring it up, I have no qualms against that.  But you say what you mean, and you take it in like an adult.  We're not kids anymore!  It's high time we stopped acting like one.

It's Time - Imagine Dragons