Fixation

I know I'm not a mistake.  No, I'm not.  But it's different when I make the worse mistakes in life.  Many of which could have been avoided, but still I regressed to being careless, selfish, preoccupied.  My demons show up at the worst of times, and I feel worthless.

One simple mistake, and all it takes is a minute of realization: I had forgotten about my father's birthday.  There is no punishment severe enough to correct this mistake, and I will forever bear this reminder.  I had forsaken my own father, of whom I share flesh and blood with.  Tell me, what more wrong can you do but forget the one you love, who loves you more?

Mentally, I'm a mess, through and through.  Afraid to commit at times, ashamed to admit, always living in the fear of being marauded, of being alone.  Most days aren't like this, but in the back of my mind, I had always held these doubts.  The issue?  I fear that in an intrinsic way, I want to feel like this, to give myself a challenge, and that it will affect everyone around me, and it may take me a lifetime to fix that.

Primavera - Ludovico Einaudi