Limbo

Hey, erm... I kinda, sort of, maybe, hypothetically, find you incredibly attractive.
 
And you indefinitely, unquestionably, irrevocably are fun and pretty, the Double Dutch.

But I'm probably, obviously, sincerely, a shy person.

And I highly doubt, dismiss, discount distance as a factor to consider, honestly.

But something's holding me back.  I just can't wrap my head around what it is in particular.  Too bad I can't freeze time to think this through.  Sometimes I wish for you to somehow stumble across this, because it's the only time where my composure sets the right tone and the words seem to fit.

Yeah.  That sums it up.

Plans - Birds of Tokyo

Underprepared

My parents recently had a long talk with me on how concerned they were for my well-being.  I constantly allow people to bully me around (not physically, I mean) and cave in whenever I hit an obstacle.  It's frustrating!  I either get mad at people and resort to my self-centered ego, or just shut down and expect someone to be kind enough to lend a hand.

It's just disgusting, that beneath that calm exterior, is a guy who can't fend for himself.  It's time I man up.  And I don't have time to wander around.  I mustn't fail.  I can't.  And I hate all of it.

B Line - lamb

Pride

I bumped into my uber extroverted, vocal friend, Aneez earlier this morning at the Student Center.  She was rather hungry so I offered some of my complimentary mega sandwich (which was pretty meh, by my standards.  Soooo not worth 10 stamps).

She kindly turned it down, and I resumed my "Avatar: The Last Airbender" marathon on my notebook.  Henry, who was next to me, was busy doing his psychology questionnaire.  Somewhere in the middle of the episode, I noticed that she was laughing at me.  Curious, I removed my noise-cancelling earphones and asked her what was up.

Still laughing, she just said: "Aww, Fang.   You're so adorable lah."

Sure, I was taken aback.  But this is the Aneez we're talking about.  She tells it to you straight to your face, whether it be good and (hopefully not) bad.  So I replied, with slight reluctance "Uh, thanks."

She added: "You know, you're so nice and kind, almost like a gentleman.".  Let's be honest here, who doesn't like compliments?  Moreover from a guy with a slight case of low self-esteem.  "Any girl would be so lucky to have you as a boyfriend.  To take good care of her and all.", she added.

At the spur of the moment, I replied with a little chuckle: "If only she knew.".

Aneez had heard the gist of this story before, so she just said "It's okay" and some synonym for "there, there" (which I can't recall what exactly).

Well, it's nice to take a compliment, without that pinch of salt this time.

Get Over It - Guillemots

Reflection

Woke up reluctantly, as always, to the sound of my phone's blaring alarm, only to be greeted by the cold chill provided by the sudden overnight rain.  It wasn't very welcoming, although it's been blazing hot of late.  I got up, and pounced to switch on the lights.

Every other thing was pretty much routine work: get up, make bed (optional), switch off ceiling fan (to power save), brush teeth, morning "business", bath, etc.

Only today I noticed something else.  Or perhaps, something I didn't realize in a very long time.  My mole.  I don't know...  It's hideous, but it's also a part of me.  And I guess I've forgotten much about it, which is both good and bad.  Good in the sense that I've accepted it, and bad in the sense that I still deem it as a stumbling block of some sort.  You know, I'm short of self esteem and would probably be front runner for most un-handsome bloke.  No, that ain't a word.  And yes, I'm just like that.

Anyway, it's a small thing.  This is one of those rare flaws I have that I don't really care about.  Yay, me.

Little Black Submarines -  The Black Keys

Delve

Had a great time with the "Usual Gang", celebrating both Chin's birthday as well as Kevin's.  Both TGI Friday-mandatory speeches were interesting.  But whatever.  We had a nice dinner together, and some oddly not-so-boring walk around the One Utama shopping center.  We even circled the entire premise twice, each time on a different floor.

It was nice being in the company of friends.  I think I've yearned to spend too much alone-time in the recent months.  So I was just pondering a few moments ago about my predicament.  Fine, that meltdown a few days back.  I started to think about it big-scale, and have (sort of) reached an acceptable hypothesis:  I'm constantly saddened by it because I've never found a particular experience/ memory that was more joyful and meaningful than that.  Not just that, I've yet to meet someone who's willing to spend time with me, be it the bad side or the good side of the coin.  I just need... either a timeout, or a time extension.

Though I've yet to delve into that department of trifles.

Friends, Lovers, Or Nothing - John Mayer

Stillness

A wise friend posted a video on my Facebook profile just now.

And upon hearing it, I just succumbed to it and let go.  I just couldn't help but break down in silent tears.

Thank you, Naufal.  From the bottom of my heart.

Up and under

She left,

there wasn't a sign.

You lied to yourself,

to fabricate a chance.

Two years,

of grooming your personality.

Then when the moment arrived,

you dug out your own truth.

Get over it, Fang Hao.  One way or another, you have to.  Even if she means more to you than she think she does.  Was is better than a lifetime.

On the dull, broody mood which I only adopt on the bus, I'm back to my personal issues in my love life.  It's been two years already, but I still had feelings for this girl.  She was great, really.  But I took the relationship too quickly and we ended it after a few months.  Trust me, I've been trying to get over it since then, but I have yet to met anyone who can take my mind off her.  She was caring, understanding, and could tell what's on my mind at any given time, and that really helps when I can't find words to say.  We managed to get in contact with each other earlier tonight, as we went out with a group of friends.

There I was next to her, talking about life and all that jazz...  That's when I looked into her eyes, and made a mistake I would later (pretty much now) regret.  I told her about how I missed the times when we were more than friends.  I didn't quite build on that as she was taken aback for a while.  She just said that "the right one will come when the time is right" and all the other substitutes of a nice "let's not go there" approach.

Am I wrong to think that I may never know when the right one comes in the future?  That maybe if we lived in the "now" rather than eying a "future prospect", things may just be that much better?  Am I just too selfish sometimes?

I just want someone to care for, and maybe, just reciprocate a little.  Boo hoo the emotional wants, indeed.

 Howlin' For You - The Black Keys