Raw

All I have now is raw emotions.  Unfiltered, unscripted, uncontrollable emotions.  I might regret it.  Hell, I should.  But I can't internalize this.  I'm not even going to delete any word I type down.

I love you.  There's no two ways about it.  This is my prerogative problem (stop trying to be sophiticated, Fang!).  Not yours.  So don't feel sad for me.  No pity, no guilt, no negative connotations.  Leave me to wrestle with my own emotional undoing.  It's not that you'll make it worse by helping: you'll make it better for sure.  

But I need to do this by myself.  If I'm ever going to have someone love me, then I deserve to be loved.  We accept the love we think we deserve.  Yes, I'm taking that quote off "Perks of Being a Wallflower", and it rings through true (goddamnit).

I don't deserve you.  Not because I am not capable, because I am.  I just don't believe that I'm capable.  

I'm not some good-looking person with the athletic (I still can't goddamn spell "athletic" right) build.  I don't have the charm of a smooth-talker, with the charisma to charm anyone.  

All I have is my sincerity, and my kindness.  My wit, my diligence, my loyalty, my self-sufficiency, my low-maintanence, my simplicity, are all expendable.  

I'm not angry at you: I will never be and you don't warrant that.  I'm angry at my inabilities to be a finished product now.  I understand that I'm a person-in-making, and I shouldn't compare myself to others.  I won't do so anymore.

I want someone to love me back.  I know I deserve that.  I just don't see it yet.

As for you, you brilliant, gorgeous, charming woman, you...  You better remind your man how blessed he is to have you for himself.  You deserve nothing but the most beautiful words, the most precise moments, and the most beautiful sights to compliment your whole being.

Because I can't love you as a lover, so I might as well love you as a friend.  And that's my problem; not yours.

*edited on 7 Jan 2019*. Sorry it took so long to realise that I needed to respect everyone in this story. I have since realized that this phase came from a moment of weakness and uncertainty, and that I've unfairly placed/dropped all my troubles and struggles onto a great person without thinking of the lasting consequences.

Hindsight does that to you. But I also wanted to take the effort to profusely apologize for my actions. I had ruined a friendship in response. And that's on me, which I'll carry with for the rest of my life.

So here's a note from an older, more mid-life crisis-er Fang: know what you want out of a relationship.

Is it for companionship? A quick fling? Marriage? Everyone has different perceptions of love. And it's never wrong to fall in love. It is criminal, if you don't know what you're looking for, though.

And above all, love yourself. Being with someone isn't about fixing yourself. It's about sharing your feelings and thoughts and life with someone you care for deeply.

Love furiously, love hard, and most importantly, love you. 

Miss You - Alabama Shakes