Wichita

So there it goes. The conclusion of the 3rd Annual AiSO National Conference. Part of me is relieved, from the shakey start we had, but most of me is saddened that I was too busy running the conference to get to know these participants.

But this post isn't about that.

I was walking home to the beautiful sunset the evening after the conference had ended and came across two kids playing catch in my housing area. I flashed him a smiled, greeting him as I pull my earphones away from where they were.

He stops and smiles back, holding a blue bouncing ball, the ones with the tail-like protrusions. Then, we talked.

He asked where I was from, stating that he and his younger brother had moved here from Kansas. I replied accordingly, stating my home country. In response he asks: "Is it further than Wichita (to Ames)?". I responded with a resounding nod: "Why yes, much further away than Wichita".

Upon leaving him to continue playing with his younger brother, the kid asked: "Would you be my friend?". And it struck me. To take a step back, look at the big picture and realize how well-off I am, how privileged I was, that I overlook even the simplest things in life.

Needless to say, he might just be the most important friend I've met. I baded my farewells and headed home, with a tear in my eye, and the most sincerest of feelings overdue.

Life is beautiful.

posted from Bloggeroid

Cards

Season 3 of House of Cards was immense!  To finish the entire season in three days, with my midterms looming, kinda testifies that.

But one of the episodes caught my attention.  I don't want to give too much away, but it rekindled my sense of belonging in a community, and even more in a family.  That in some way or another, I've grown to be more appreciative of connections, to be more caring, loving, and as a result, more vulnerable (which is a good thing).

Through this self-reflection, I realized that one the biggest things I've taken away from studying abroad from the past three years (wow, it's been that long) is how much I value interpersonal ties.

When I think about situations of crisis, and how I would react to one, the outlook has varied tremendously from the Freshman Fang of Sunway University.  The kid back then would deliberate on being tasked with something like this.  But after breaking the 7-month long radio silence with my brother earlier today, I noticed that I would do anything for family, no matter how trivial the task be.

Granted it wasn't a monumental one, but it's a sign.  Please tell me it is.

On a sidenote, I had just went through my first video shoot for the Welcome Video, to be shown during the AiSO National Conference.  I hope the script and delivery was good enough to compensate for the lack of eye candy.

The conference is merely 12 days away, and if there was ever a chance to stall an event, it would be now.  I'm getting nervous just thinking about it, for the magnitude of the task, and the reaping every member would gain out of it.

It's both exhilarating as it is fearsome.  And you know my outlook on roller coasters. 

Pink Shoe Laces - 

The Chordettes

Associate

Do I view you in another light,
value you more, criticise you less,
as you're unique from the fold?

That perhaps,
I wanted you to be an outcast,
an outlier, a pioneer,
so that there was company for my selfishness.

But that distinction is unclear now.
And I'm beginning to wonder,
am I thriving on being different?

Are you becoming less,
of what I wanted?
Or instead,
more of being yourself?

Or am I being hauled back,
returning to my brooding mold?
I wonder...

posted from Bloggeroid

Hygiene

Alas, it has been too long.  No, there are no excuses, only the reality of the situation.  Recently Hanan and I decided to exchange blog posts, reading them aloud to one another.  It was somewhat cathartic.  So thank you, Hanan, for getting me to write a little bit more again.

Senior year sucks.  Facing all these uncertainties: can I get a job here, where can/will I live, how am I going to do so, what about everyone else?  

The list continues...

Life never slows down.  It seems like I'm riding a bicycle down a slope, with the brakes malfunctioning.  The faster the wheels spin, my heartbeat reciprocates by matching in intensity.  I'm slipping, but that's life; you make do with what you got, and you do whatever it takes.

I'm burning out, and it's only been 3 years.  I can't blame school for it (well, I should assume responsibility anyway).  There's too much that I'm involved in, some by choice, some by obligation.

I've been stretched thin, and I can feel my arms pop from their joints, my jaw locked in dislocation, my diaphragm tearing as my breath grows fainter with each inhalation.  That's how much pressure I'm under.  I hide it well, because a leader needs to set an example for others.  If that means lying to their faces to keep their morale up, then I'll do just that.

But this isn't supposed to be a depressing post (sorry for ranting).  I'm just saying it as it is.  Warning: This is Fang flinging ideas at his editorial wall and seeing what remotely sticks.

I've been having mixed feelings about many things lately.  Words prance along my tongue as this dame twirls in front of me, and I don't know what to do.  

I'm probably just feeling lonely, in need of an emotional companion.  I'm not looking for a relationship, especially not in this time of uncertainty, just someone who understands me deep down inside.  I miss those moments with Sabr, as she gets me, every fiber of me.  

Yeah, that kinda makes sense.  Look at me, putting off studies, hosting a nationwide conference, applying for jobs, and potentially luxurious sleeping hours to write all these things down.

I'm just gonna end this post with this Ted Talk on "emotional hygiene".  It speaks in volumes, pertaining to emotional well-being.

Oh, and Better Call Saul is out, along with Archer Season 6 and House of Cards Season 3 coming out in a few more weeks.  Yep, I'm not gonna be getting things done!

My Type - Saint Motel

Turn

When the future is too muddled to see, I can't help but look back (and sometimes regress).  But I know I've gone far, and I still have fuel in the tank.

This semester has been honestly, pretty shitty.  I'm sure the preceding posts are indicative of that.  But you can't always get what you want.  All this hard work and strife will come good some day, I'm damn sure of it.

So I've had an uneventful Thanksgiving break, filled with damage control, classes and work; so I have a piling workload for the weeks to come plus finals.  I'll just have to face it.

Reiterating the wise words of the egomaniac Dr. Precival Cox of the medical sitcom Scrubs: "It doesn't get any easier; you just get better."

And I shall get better.  I would like to credit Seabird for their rendition of Sometimes, which is the reason behind this post.  At least lyrics still hold weight in this era of nonsensical bass-driven pop music.

Sometimes - Seabird 

Drop

Yep, I damn right dropped the ball.  In fact, I made it blatantly obvious, too.

Maybe I just wanted to play the villain for once, that I wanted to dip my feet in chaos and darkness, that I wanted to be branded the bad guy.

Or perhaps I just wanted to be noticed.

Yeah.  It was probably both.  

Never again, Fang.  Don't you bloody dare pull that off again.

Five Hours - Deorro

Falling

I'm still bogged down by stress and personal issues, emotionally and physically (I've been having back aches for almost a month now, not to mention significant hair loss).  Malaysian Cultural Night 2014 is officially over.  Yet I don't feel any sense of accomplishment.  

I danced my butt off, surprising many (which was great), had received good reviews from the AMSISU advisors on the play (I was the script writer), including H.E. Datuk Dr. Awang Adek Hussin, the Ambassador of Malaysia.

But it still doesn't feel right.  Perhaps it's because I wasn't acknowledged by my fellow peers, or that my name in the booklet was glaringly misspelled (Fang Hao Leong, anyone?), or that no one had taken the time to talk to me before, during or after the event (bar Yen Fei, thanks).

Because as much as I am a "renaissance man" to my professor (I'm his Teaching Assistant), Rob Hubert, I am but a forgotten man to others.  And as harsh sounding as it is, nothing I've seen thus far can disprove even a shred of this notion.

From the exclusion of the "Best MCN Committee Ever" photo by the Production Director, to the lack of respect shown towards me, and the teams of which I had worked with.  It just wasn't good enough.  Upon looking at Adli's reaction once the event had ended, it had only enforced the idea that I wasn't wallowing in self-pity; we were equally disappointed, and it didn't have to be conveyed through words.

Sometimes I wonder why the hell do I work so hard for others.  Am I really empowering others?  Heck, was there even moment of self-empowerment?  I can't say such things with confidence anymore.  

Pull My Heart Away - Jack Penate