Here's a story. Because I need a coping mechanism. Plus, this isn't wholly accurate. So ignore it.
A dream and an abrupt waking kickstarted his mundane week. His exceptionally monotonous, bland, unemployment-ridden week.
He rolls over to his side, groaning, reaching out to grab his phone, laying just a few inches from his face, and checks the time. He taps on the phone screen, and the room glowed from the faint (but still uncomfortably bright) beam of light emitting from his phone:
4:02 am.
God damn it, he thought. He had only begun to sleep at 1 am (his routine nowadays) and his sudden awakening only meant one thing: his troubling thoughts got the better of him. For the umpteenth time.
He flips his phone shut, rolled onto his back, and started staring at the ceiling as he hears the wind whistling through the small opening in his window (he likes the ventilation). He knew what to do next.
This seems to be second nature nowadays, like he has developed his own psychoanalytic routine. He takes a big breath, exhales slowly with his eyes closed, and clears his throat. It's been a while since he's had to run the whole talk-out-your-problems exercise. With his hands cupping the back of his head, he started:
"Look, you messed up. She was not into you and had her own set of emotional problems to deal with. You could have kept it to yourself, like all of the other beauties you've met, but nooooo; you chose to be selfish for once and chose to satisfy your want at her emotional expense."
He closed his eyes, took another deep breath, and listened to the chirps of crickets outside. Let's be logical and rational now, he thought to himself, as he slowly reopened his eyes to adjust to the darkness. The room seemed more visible now.
"This is why you can't date your friends, man. If it works out, great. But has it ever worked out? That's a resounding "no", buddy. And what happens should (a very likely) rejection come out, well you'll need to start boarding the "Awkward Train" to Limbotown! Because things can't possibly be any less weird now."
He curses under his breath, clearly annoyed at his own ineptitude in dealing with his emotions. Sometimes the practice of emotional compartmentilization has its usefulness. Tonight's a startling reminder of that.
"You got close to her, became good friends- well, at least you see her as a good friend, and decide to make more than what you already have? I mean, come on! You had a good friendship, one with a girl, and that's really hard to come by for a schmuck like yourself, being all reserved and whatnot."
Another deep sigh, as he massages his forehead, pinching it while he shifts his body.
"Now let's play this out logically: she has told you that it's awkward for her and would like to remain friends, but we know this can't be forgotten. You don't fare any better. Heck, you're clueless and powerless on what to do next. So you guys do the thing that you don't want to do- which is to go your separate ways."
"Now you can somehow figure out the whole emotional compartmentilization thing and get on with it, so let's not worry about yourself. This isn't about you; it's about her. You don't know how she'll take it, and that concerns you, even though YOU don't want yourself to care about her, because you'll further complicate things."
Another deep breath, as the silence is disrupted by the rustling of tree leaves, swaying with the cool breeze of an ending summer.
"So what do you think happens? You leave her company as a friend-turned-more-on-his-own-accord thing, and she moves on with life, bearing this as some form of emotional baggage (because she has feelings, and you gave her that problem, you inconsiderate person)."
"You two will take time off interacting with one another, grow apart, and leave it at that. You, will fear that rekindling that friendship could lead to an escalation of sorts, so you become timid and cautious. And thus you might miss out on what could have been a great friendship should you not have fell for her."
He repositions his legs and glances over at his phone again. It's 5:08 am now.
"So was it worth it? Let's leave it at that, shall we?"
He forces a smile (out of disbelief, obviously) as he rolls onto his side, burying his face inside his pillow, and goes back to bed. Needless to say, getting back to bed might take a while. He wishes sleep was his biggest problem now.
End...?
