Dime

I lost another friend today. Thankfully, it was his choice, and not by some accident or natural disaster.

In fact, it was for a more simple reason. I refused to indulge in his fantasy.

Please don't mistaken this for me trying to take the moral high ground. I've nothing to prove and thus no one to defeat. There's no incentive, no prize for me to be or sound magnanimous in this moment.

What had transported was my refusal to rate this picture of a woman. Mind that this wasn't a pornographic or provocative image; she was fully clothed and decent-looking, in a normal, healthy way.

My friend wanted to know my rating of her. I abstained. He wanted to know whether I found her attractive, and I refused to objectify her based on her looks.

This wasn't the first time I explained my aversion to this... activity. So I flat-out rejected, to make myself clear.

He took that as me getting on my high horse, seeming as though I'm better than everyone and that was me patronising him.

But I wasn't. I just felt indifferent and that's my problem, not his.

In response, he unfriended me from all social platforms. Years of friendship... gone. Just from a disagreement.

Yes, I am saddened by this, but I can't be empathetic about losing a friend over my refusal to play along with his game.

There is no emotion involved in "scoring" who's hot or not. It's wrong and degrading, even if it is just for sport, or as a "bro thing".

I've no time and space for that kind of behavior anymore. I can't treat every person like a human being when my opinion of them changes on a dime, viewing them as nothing but a piece of meat. Whether I meet them in real life or not is an irrelevant, moot and ignorant notion.

It's not that I don't care about our 5,6-year-long friendship; I just don't care enough to fight for it. And for that, I'm sorry.

posted from Bloggeroid

Scout

It seems like a growing trend for me to sacrifice sleep for movies and video games, a compromise which I'm willing to make as much as it is a detriment to my health.  Hopefully today can be the start of that change.

I wanted to talk about my recent get-together with Eirene and Heang Lee, two individuals whom I share quite little with during my time knowing them in secondary school, bonded only through our involvement in the 73rd Petaling Scouts Movement.

We had met up at a mamak nearby, having not seen Eirene for over five years.  I haven't seen Heang in just over four years, having visited her university for an intramural among Malaysian students around the Midwest region.

They're both doing great, with Heang recently starting work with the Women's Aid Organization of Malaysia, and Eirene having returned from a semester abroad in Japan.  

The long absence of our company didn't dampen the occasion, as we had many discussions on human rights, U.S. politics, culture shock (and the reverse), society and whatnot.  

Well, I was mainly listening.  Those two are just too eloquent and brilliant for me to keep up with.  Heck, they had deconstructed and analyzed the very organizational dynamics of our scouts troop there and then, identifying key power markers and outliers to the phenomenon, exposing flaws to the hierarchy of things and its repercussions on our understanding of duty and responsibility in our teens.

The moment they started exchanging authors and their books, was when I was truly lost.  Because I've lost that touch of reading.  And that sucks.  It became apparent that I'm in need of serious reading.

So from now on, I'll take more effort to get off the Internet and computer, and read more books and less Quora.  For today, I'll be reading my Medical Microbiology textbook, with regards to food microbiology.  I think I should start mentioning what I'm reading, so that I read something before posting it here.

Moreover, I had attended another gathering for the Malaysian ISU Alumni and it was great to meet so many figures who are established in their careers.  We're trying to form an association for networking fresh grads with the more experienced folks, so I'd like to get involved with that.  We'll see.

Lastly, I've registered for the Penang Bridge Marathon happening at November end.  I think I'm more excited in exploring Penang than the run.  Although I should really start training for that, instead of playing football.

Lost Boy - Ruth B

Affection

I'm in an affection gap.

At least, that's what I interpret it as.  Throughout the years of experiencing a mixture of self-doubt, bad timing, and sheer crummy luck, I've been date-less.  Single, not seeing anyone outside of my college life.

Not to say it was a bad thing, but it meant me finding additional ways to cope with my emotional needs.  As much as I'd like to think of myself as the stoic, unshakable and brooding loner who's comfortable in my own skin (the latter which is true... I think), I still need to have a love for something.

Gradually through the past five, six years, my acts of love had diversified, simmering away from a sole recipient to more people.  Eventually, instead of a focused beam of light, it has dispersed to an irradiation instead.  I lost a specific target for my affection.  

Specifically caring more for one individual had became sharing that love to a small group of people, and eventually to many.  Loving became sort of an unintended action.  Hugs became more frequent.  I'd occasionally buy meals for others.  Hour-long conversations became the norm.

However, there was always an anchor to my emotional support.  For the longest time, that was Sabr.  Of the recent times, it was someone else.  Let's give her the alias of Amber.  

Amber was special, as she filled the emotional void I had since I met her some two years ago.  As I got to know Amber more, the compulsion of needing Sabr's support wasn't as high.  I had the opportunity and privilege to share my feelings and emotions with someone else, and that helped me a lot.

Obviously, I fell for Amber.  It wasn't a mistake, God no.  But I would admit, it was at the worst time.  She has a boyfriend now, and that meant us having less time together.  That's okay though, as I understand and respect her decisions for prioritizing her relationship ahead of our friendship.  

She's happy.  Irrevocably, happy, and in love.  And as it does sting a little, I'm glad that she has found some happiness.  Everyone deserves love.

As Amber has taken the backseat as my emotional helper, Sabr now holds the #1 spot again.  However, the latter had recently resumed her studies so our availability comes at a premium now.  Furthermore, she's been growing increasingly fond of the guy she's currently dating, and that means more time allocated elsewhere.

Again, I'm not going to get in the way of her happiness.

It just means that I've less time to spend with either of my emotional "anchors", which leaves me with phases of vulnerability and insecure moping.  I'm not in the dumps, let me clarify that.  It's just... that the void is back again.  There's a small sense of emptiness inside and I don't know when will that go away.

I hope that by reinventing myself with all these personal side projects can help that, but only time will tell.  In the meantime, fingers crossed I can be more gutsy in asking people out for dates (brownie points for actually succeeding).

To disrupt the tension of this writing, I had recently shaved my pubes to gain a perspective of Western cultural practices.  And it was Goddamn stupid of me to do so.

Work Song - Hozier

Meds

It's about that time for me to have a follow-up appointment with an endocrinologist on my hyperthyroidism treatment.

So today, I had a follow-up appointment at UMSC to discover the result of my blood work, taken the previous Friday.  Turns out, I'm back to being normal again.

My thyroid activity and hormone levels are now within normal levels and for the first time in two years, I'm finally off medication.  And that's crazy.

I'll be meeting with the endocrinologist in a couple of months to see my progress from there, so finger's crossed that I'll be fine.

I'm just really grateful for the help and support provided when I first had symptoms of it.  So here's to hoping that I can be off thyroid support for good.   But I'll need to be cautious too, as things can always teeter along with issues like these.

Sidenote, I'm slowly getting back to writing that book and perhaps, I'll get onto that Murder Mystery Party again...  eventually.

Oh, and the Euro 2016 Finals was shit.  I don't even want to go there.

Leisure Suite - Feist

Cider

It seems that my body isn't built to consume alcohol.

I had a Pear Cider (my first) this afternoon out of curiosity and boredom.  Don't get me wrong, it was pretty delicious, with the pear and fizz disguising the low alcohol content well.

However, an hour later I had experienced sudden weakness (like blood rushing away from my brain) and blocked hearing, with my ears simply ringing for what was the worst two minutes I had in a long time.

I slowly ascended the stairs to my bathroom while clutching firmly on the handrail, careful not to trip along the way, lifted the toilet seat cover and went on all fours preparing for a projectile vomit.  Thankfully (or not), it didn't come to be.  I lied with my back on the wall for a few minutes before full-functionality returned.

Football in the evening definitely exacerbated my condition, with my head throbbing as I put myself through various running drills and ball control courses.  Even now, my head is still hurting.  It has been seven hours now.

Some things aren't meant to be, I guess.

A Real Hero - Electric Youth

Puki

I will try to resist using harsh derogatory terms (see "hag", "cretin", et cetera) for this segment. Just know that it isn't nice.

To the old lady earlier,

How dare you show up at my grandaunt's funeral to just hog the food and stuff your shopping bag with leftovers? We, and certainly not I, need your false sympathy while my lovely grandaunt's casket is mere metres away from you.

I don't give two shits if you were from the same Methodist Church my grandaunt was in. I don't give a fuck if you, by some chance, knew one of the distant relatives to the deceased. Don't you fucking dare show up at a funeral parlour just to feed off someone else's grief.

Plus, you have the petty gall to ask for a ride home after walking all the way to the wake? Moreover, you had slagged off two ladies earlier for being selfish in refusing to give you a lift?

You know the way back, so bloody sod off. Clearly you were in proper shape to capitalise on someone else's loss, so use those goddamn legs God had blessed you with. The fact that today is the start of Eid Mubarak takes the cake.

This is the exact reason why I forsake my own culture. The manipulative, selfish, rotten behaviors which are slowly driving my nation to the ground. It's a pisstake to the honest, loving people who have met such a tragedy in an inopportune time.

I am absolutely fuming right now. And let it be crystal clear that I will fucking destroy anyone who dares take advantage of my family. You have my word on that.

posted from Bloggeroid

Redirect

I haven't been blogging much as I've prioritised self-flagellation in my spare time, obviously.

By that I mean putting myself through football-and-podcasts masochism every day.

Last weekend I had met up with secondary school tuition mates, whom I've not seen in over five years. And it's crazy to see how easy one can fall out of touch with friends. Still, it is a joy to be able to recollect odd memories and catch up on so much lost time.

Sadly I'm only writing today as a means to cope. Being Raya break, it was initially planned for me to visit my mom's side at Ipoh this Wednesday. Unfortunately those plans have changed since lunchtime today as my grandaunt had passed away.

And here's the problem: I feel eerily indifferent. Maybe it's because I'm at work and need to pull it together, or maybe I'm in "resistance phase" and will only feel it later after work, or maybe I have been waiting for this for long enough that it just doesn't surprise me anymore.

For the latter statement, I say that because her health has been rapidly deteriorating since my return last December. It has been 8 months and her condition will only continue to worsen with age. So yeah, maybe I've made my peace and spent every goodbye with her knowing that it could be my last, and maybe that's why her eventual passing came and went without me regretting much.

I don't know. And for the next 4 hours at work, I can't know how to feel. I'm the only member of senior management in my department at work and need to exhibit proper leadership.

I'm getting too good at compartmentalizing my emotions. To feel less seems rather... Bad to me and it is beginning to scare me. Have I lost some sense of empathy? Or worse, do I not care enough?

Here's what I do know: I'll miss her. I'm going to play football later or jog or something to forget about the world for a while. Then, I'll cry. My family will cry. And I have the week off for Raya break so that will be some time to reflect on these feelings and thoughts.

Until then, I guess I'm a sociopath.

posted from Bloggeroid