Hold

Okay, this would be another dreary self-question, so there's my warning shot.

Obviously this thought process spawned from the show which is Donnie Darko, and my boundless brooding.  Anyway, the show got me thinking about my "darkness", what Michael C. Hall's "Dexter" persona from the TV series of the same name would label as his "Dark Passenger".

I don't know how to describe it, except for the fleeting feeling you have when gravitating to a lone lit candle in the pitch black shade of night.  The flame is welcoming, as much as it reminds you of the clout of darkness lingering just outside light's influence.  It flickers, it dances in front of your eyes, beckoning you to come closer.  Without question, you comply.  And as you reach for the flame, you realize that you yearn for its existence as much as you want to deny it, for the growing fear of its potential.

That's my darkness.  I don't know when I've had (or developed?) it, but it's been around.  It's not like having a devil on my shoulder and an angel on the other, but it's more like having copies of myself fragmented into emotions.  My darkness is only seen when I look over my shoulder; he stands there, silent, and just looks on.

My first encounter was when I was around 16 years old.  Long story short, my friends and I were mugged one day after school, as this middle-aged man had intimidated us to surrender him our cell phones (I had none at the time).  Right after he left with the goods, I was consumed by this hatred.  It wasn't just that uncontrolled resentment to have ill-wishes for someone; I had malicious intentions.  I wanted to catch this guy, and really hurt him.  

I wanted to show him that the fear I had from his tough exterior and tattoos does not overshadow the (then-misled concept of) loyalty I had to my friends.  And although it had happened only for a brief time, there was no denying that I experienced my first genuine intention to inflict pain on someone else.  That was a terrifying experience: not to fight someone else but to fight yourself, to question your own trust.

I've only begun to acknowledge its existence when I started consuming more media on the darker side of life (although some of it is clearly fictitious).  Crime shows (CSI), murder mysteries (NCIS, Hannibal), etc... those lot made me realize the manifestation I am carrying within.  But it is a confusing thing to have, because part of me embraces it as much as I scorn at its existence, too.

And the worst thing about this darkness is shown by its tendency to corrupt the good.  I fear that on rare occasions I might be susceptible to that behavior, to observe how other people's light cope with the darkness which surrounds them. It is not out of bad intentions, but curiosity instead.

So here's the bigger question: how am I to share the whole of me with someone else, when this bad thing is part of me?  How can I risk hurting someone else, and let them see this - dare I say, evil that lies deep down inside?  How can it be fair for me to put this negativity out there, where it could lash around and injure those around me?  Is it selfish to think I'm the only person fighting with the inner darkness?  Is it wrong to think I'm gravitated to your darkness, because it might be a familiarity?  I'd like to think you have that darkness, because I want to be there with you, in the abyss.

All these questions...  and I've yet to even engage someone with these deep conversations due to its controversy, and the large ramifications which may follow.  I'm afraid to show people this side of me, because even I don't fully understand it myself.  

You could argue that I've mental disorder of sorts, and I would more than likely agree with you that I have some issues to work on.  I'm being realistic here: about half the population of the globe has experienced depression some point in their life (and I've been going through some recently - I just didn't diagnose it until recently). But here's my retort: which would you rather have as an issue: something tangible that affects others, or something intrinsic that only affects yourself?

And here's an honest question to cap this off.  What are your thoughts?  I am honestly curious what others feel/think.

Only One - John Butler Trio