Fixation

I know I'm not a mistake.  No, I'm not.  But it's different when I make the worse mistakes in life.  Many of which could have been avoided, but still I regressed to being careless, selfish, preoccupied.  My demons show up at the worst of times, and I feel worthless.

One simple mistake, and all it takes is a minute of realization: I had forgotten about my father's birthday.  There is no punishment severe enough to correct this mistake, and I will forever bear this reminder.  I had forsaken my own father, of whom I share flesh and blood with.  Tell me, what more wrong can you do but forget the one you love, who loves you more?

Mentally, I'm a mess, through and through.  Afraid to commit at times, ashamed to admit, always living in the fear of being marauded, of being alone.  Most days aren't like this, but in the back of my mind, I had always held these doubts.  The issue?  I fear that in an intrinsic way, I want to feel like this, to give myself a challenge, and that it will affect everyone around me, and it may take me a lifetime to fix that.

Primavera - Ludovico Einaudi

Merry Christmas!

Hey ho!  First of all, Merry Christmas to all!!

It has finally snowed!  Yay for that.  I even have a scab on my knee to show it.  Here are some pics of what we did when it first snowed.

First signs of snow, at Adli's place

Helping Kennard brush off all the snow accumulated on his car

Yen Fei and Cassie, with Kennard's new dog, Lucky

Me, being me

Even my dorm (well, included in the pic is the neighboring dorm) looks nice for a change

But honestly, it has been an uneventful week, staying at Cassie's place, apart from the Winter Solstice celebration we had.

 Tang Yuen, it's a traditional desert to commemorate the Winter Solstice.

Basically starch balls with pandan syrup.

Plus, goofing around in the snow, of course. We borrowed the snowman to take some pics.  Tried making our own as well, but the snow was too fluffy to ball up.  As for the un-eventfulness, we've been having the same good things over and over, it does get somewhat repetitive.

Except for the time when I exited Freddy without barefooted in shorts.  It was to open the door for Patrick, Jon and Kennard plus Lucky.  Then, Patrick grabbed me and pull me out into the snow.  Then, he wrestled me onto the ground and it was freezing (hint, -17 C)!  What's worse was that Cassie also exited the building and had left her key in the dorm, and the door would only open with a key card.  Yen Fei was the only one in Cassie's place but she didn't pick up her phone.  I had to call in my friend to get the door open and it was some 5 minutes before we entered the building.  By that time I had lost all sensation in my fingers and legs.  That, was crazy!!

I've been so preoccupied with movies, cooking and LAN parties (Left4Dead 2, Team Fortress 2, and Borderlands 2) that I didn't update this blog much.  But yeah...  Christmas is here, I feel bad for not getting presents for my friends.

That's it for now I guess.  Merry Christmas!  And to all (in Malaysia), goodnight.

Follow - Crystal Fighters

Winter

It beckons, it eludes, and I yearn it still.  Why won't it snow?  Consistently?  I had only a 2-hour display of snow before the flurries receded back to the wet, rainy Fall climate.

A one-day-only spectacle

Well, it's now Winter break and I'm near-death from boredom.  I've gotten some of my grades back (this soon!) and I have already one let-down.  I got a B for Philosophy 230 when I was on course for an A-.  That's two grades apart and I bombed my finals with a 19/30.  Thoroughly disappointed with myself.  On the bright side, the other result I had received was my Microbiology 302 Lab.  I got an A with a perfect score for my "Identifying Unknowns" experiment.  To add the icing on it, I was the only one in my section to achieve this feat, and although my final grade of 179/200 wasn't a standout in my section, I still had a good performance overall to merit the A grade.  At least some of my efforts paid off.

Oddly, I am rather bummed out that the semester has ended.  I had tons of fun in (most of the) classes and working with the International Students Council was a great experience.  Next semester will be a whole different story as I'll be taking more credits as well as having a lot more responsibilities, in addition to the much-maligned Recycling Chair position I hold in my dorm.  Idiots can't tell glass from plastic...

Next sem I'll be taking tougher courses like General Physics II (of which I've almost nil of familiarity with) and Microbiology 374, which is on Insect and Plant Pathology (I think that's what it is called).  Moreover, I intend to rejoin ISC for another bout of stress-sessions as VEISHEA (it's a parade, and the biggest thing to happen in ISU every year) will be a blast.  Moreover, I want to be more involved with the Microbiology club as they get to make their own root beer for VEISHEA!  My favorite soft drink (or "pop" as they call it here).  I'm not done yet: I'll be a Teaching Assistant for Micro 302L (say hello to goofing around with microbes) and will be a Research Assistant for a fellow Malaysian graduate student here in ISU.  I may just bunker in my room all day.

I've even made some plans for Winter break.  Four friends and I will be taking a roadtrip from Iowa all the way down to Orlando, Florida to go to Disneyland and Universal Studios.  Yes, the Magical Kingdom and Harry Potter can only equate to a "WIN" in my books.  As we're driving, we'll be stopping at each state along the way.  I've attached a map for some reference.

*Iowa is in the Midwest of The States, by the way*

We'll be heading southwards to St. Louis first (Missouri) and will spend a night there.  The next day, we're heading Southeast to Nashville, Tennessee and again, we're bunking over for a night there.  Our next destination is Atlanta, Georgia, which is the state below Tennessee, before reaching Orlando, in Florida.  Of course, we're going to sight-see and I wanted soooooo badly to visit the Center of Disease Control (CDC) at Atlanta as it holds the only sample of the deadliest diseases such as smallpox and the Spanish flu.  Sadly, the group got weirded out and decided to visit the Georgia Aquarium instead, which is the largest aquarium in the world, apparently.  December 31st is our departure date and the trip will be a week long.  It is gonna be awesome!

Speaking of plans, I've already made a couple of them for next Fall as well.  From my Micro 302L class, I was given notes on how to ferment your own wine.  Because I have to let it age for at least 6 months in a stationary location, I can only start the project once I move out of my dorm and settle elsewhere.  So if I ever die from this experiment (touch wood), you'll be glad to know that I did it in the name of Science.  Also, I'll be relearning Chinese as it's something I need to do.  Laugh all you want but I'm not gonna care.  This is what I want, and what my grandfather wants.  And I have to honor his wish.

That's it for now.  Time to start reading some books and watching my TV series!  Tata for now.

Ghost - The Preachers

Growth

Clearly, we all have our fair share of conflicts and disagreements.  This was the Facebook post regarding on of the major issues:

It's clear to see that we have internal rifts going on.  I would like to mention that Freedom of Speech has made this morally permissible.

Isaac, you have a right to express those concerns as you're addressing it to a friend.  However, it was rather offensive to attack someone in the open.  That being said, I can understand why you took such drastic measures as I felt this group has been inaccurately represented as of late.  To summarize my points, never rely on social media.  Go talk to the person, and get the actual message through.

As for Steffi, you too have a rightful say in this.  I too agree that someone should be approached directly if there's any concerns gravitating towards a said individual.  Unfortunately, I'm partially on Isaac's side here.  Before any misunderstanding occurs, I'm not against getting into relationships (that's a healthy thing).  But when things don't come out as planned, it makes everyone feel uncomfortable that you go around bad-mouthing about how he's a perv/ jerk, etc.  In all honestly, we've been here to see multiple similar scenarios.  So yes, we are concerned.

Let's be honest here, this group doesn't represent all of us.  We had our fair share of voices drown out and put down by others and that is unjust.  I've spoke out before, Danny has spoke out before, even Suzanne has spoken up before; still we were all silenced. This is looking less like a group of friends and more of a therapy session.  It's not as explicit as I am conveying it now, but that's the truth.

All in all, I blame the over-reliance on social media for the deviation of ideals and messages.  You have an issue, you can bring it up, I have no qualms against that.  But you say what you mean, and you take it in like an adult.  We're not kids anymore!  It's high time we stopped acting like one.

It's Time - Imagine Dragons

Treasures

Yes, yes.  I'm at fault for putting social life and video games ahead of blogging and studies.  Honestly, my punishment should be more severe.

So I left this blog in the midst of International Week as it was just events day in, day out and I was left with almost no breathing space.  Luckily I had no quizzes or exams that week or I would have blipped right off and get tripping with caffeine (as if that works).  International Week was nice, although I am drawing comparisons to nothing of the sort as it was my first time experiencing it.  We had a theme for I-Week this time around, and it was the "Discovery of Treasure".

Before International Week kickstarted on Saturday, I volunteered to represent ISU as an international student to talk to the Boy Scouts of America for their Citizenship in the World badge.  I wore my scouts shirt from Malaysia and was really excited to meet the kids.  It was fun to share the culture I have to a captive audience, especially when they are eager to know more.  Although I did screw up some parts, as I didn't know we had to prepare a speech (mine was totally impromptu, boo).  They even had some hard questions like "What are your rights?" and "What changes would you like to see in America's foreign policy?".  I'll be honest: I dislike politics; not hate, dislike.  So giving me these tough questions to answer?  Sorry, bud.  In the end, we took a large group photo.  Yay!

We had our first intramurals, in which the ISC team (myself included) got obliterated in dodgeball in under 24 seconds.  Yes, you read it right.  Twenty four seconds.  We were bad right off the bat!  But hey, we had loads of fun.  Moreover, I was rather happy as I finally had an actual workout in a month!  On a sidenote, I think my left knee ligaments are straining up, as I always feel tweaks when I play any sport which involves running...  Hope it's not too bad.

I'll just skim through the events before this gets too wordy (although it might already be).  We had a Desserts and Snacks Fair, Scavenger Hunt, International Movie Night, International Bazaar, more intramurals, and the culmination of I-Week was the event I worked on alongside 3 others, International Night.  I-Night was okay, with a fantastic reception but not-so-good execution.  The major letdown was the douchebag of an AV tech as he was running amok without a clear plan in his head.  I got so worked up by him that for the first time in any event, I didn't say a word to him.  He didn't earn that word of thanks or acknowledgement.  Heck, if I knew how to work the equipment I could've done a better job.  Not to say that I'm good, but he was subpar.  Still, we had a great time!

After I-Night ended, everything seemed so lax to me.  Then again, I had not studied AT ALL so that may just be the case.  Yan Yao, with his tech brain similar to Roger, helped me get Borderlands 2 and Call of Duty: Black Ops 2.  Add that to my new GameBoy Advance emulator I got in my phone and BUH-BYE boredom, with a hint of discipline.

Thanksgiving break soon followed and Kevin Yan, Yen Fei and I found ourselves staying over at Cassie's place as her roommates had left and we all needed some company.  So for the entire week we cooked extravagant un-college-like food for ourselves to gorge upon.  It was so lavishing for a lifestyle.  Every night, to my dismay, we would watch a horror show, and you know how much I hate horror shows.  I think I gained a little more cajones after that.

Thursday saw us heading to Minnesota for Black Friday shopping.  On our way there, we had a flat tire, flurries and Malaysian food.  Awesomeness at it's finest.  So we shopped from 11 pm until 5 am in the morning.  Got solely essentials, with some wants like earphones and a gaming controller.  It was a good trip, I must admit.  I even had Kyoto Sushi for dinner, which was a Japanese buffet.  Win!

Last night there was a potluck at Tripp Street, where a majority of the Malaysians reside.  It was a great night and we had great food, a good atmosphere, and a good Taboo party game.  I need to play more in that game, it may just be the best party game I'm good at.  Needless to say, guessing the words like "polygamy" and "spank" did gain me some popularity, in the wrong way.  It was a great night, and I made new friends.

Moreover, today will be full of scholarship applications, emailing my lecturers, and hopefully, gaming studies. Dang it, I need to start applying soon as the deadline is a fortnight away!

So Good - B.o.B

Ping

You know why is it so hard for me to get closer to people?  It's not that I'm antisocial and like bunkering in a 30 x 30 ft room by myself.

I just lack the ability to show my personality.  That, I learned yesterday.  What a kick in the teeth.

Shotgun - Wallpaper

Spaces

Hey ho!!  It's been an extremely hectic two weeks filled with a highly charged atmosphere but I'm back in with a shout!

First of all, Malaysian Cultural Night was THE BOMB.  Great atmosphere and I got to see my cousin again (he's studying at Drake University, at Des Moines) and we did quite well for the dance.  There were some mistakes here and there, but I believe that we're a lot harsher on ourselves than we should be; the crowd loved it.  And here goes to our choreographer, Fifa, for pushing us to our fullest potential and making that night an amazing one.

Video's here and I cross my fingers that it will work.  *after a few minutes of HTML tweaking, I managed to cram down the video to fit and it works!  Pat on the back applied*

Here was part of the dance crew 

(Lynn had to continue her emcee work also Mellanie and Wilson were MIA, Gordon took the photo)

With my cousin, Kok Kuan, from Drake University after the night

Before the night ended we had a Gangnam Style flashmob and ended the night with a bang.  According to various sources, I grabbed some attention with my comical approach to the flashmob.  I'm hoping the video will be uploaded soon.  I also had many compliments by surprised friends that I can dance, which is an added bonus to showcase.

Moving on, there was a recent post on the AMSISU group about a person selling her axolotls (pronounced Axe-o-lot).  For those of you who don't know what they are, it looks like this:

How much more adorable of an aquatic pet can you ever, EVER ask for?

Pretty sure this Pokemon was inspired by the axolotl

So I Googled a ton of info on this cuties and found out it was a rather tough ask to care for them, with my hectic schedule.  So sadly, this will have to wait.  Nevertheless the person selling them is breeding MORE axolotls so I can always ask her again next year, and the following year after that.  Whoop-dee-do!

So on a long-needed high note, goodnight.

Did You Get My Message? - Jason Mraz

Dreams

Woke up today to the sound of rain and the chilly weather.  I had a dream last night, and in introspective it was quite a worrying thought.  Laugh all you want, but I dreamed about failed grades in my first semester here in ISU.  Referring to earlier posts on my MICRO 302 class, getting a C grade is hardly what I ever wanted.  But reflecting on why I had that dream, has studies been on my mind so much that I think of it so often?

Also, I expected things to change here with respect to the mentality people adopt here.  Although this only applies to a group of Malaysian friends I have, it is something worth my time to ponder on.  I expected them to act more mature and responsible with their actions, but it's all the same here:  kids being forced out of their country to "make their parents proud", and friends to them are simply a means to an end, as companions and nothing more.

It's sickening to know that all my contributions are taken so lightly with a "it's just this; it's just that", and that I'm so under-appreciated.  I've yet to voice out on them, but this is utterly ridiculous.  Total BS.  Touching on that, I think I've finally reconciled why I feel so moody of late: I have no life outside of college.  No one to spend time playing games with, no one to have serious talks regarding anything, no one; I'm as lonely as I always had been.  When I think about it, the time I spend outside studies and societies is time wasted with people who don't give two cents about me.  I know I'm making the effort and as selfish as this sounds, it's definitely not my fault.

With passion comes inevitable disappointment.  What keeps me dragging on is beyond me, but I am grateful of it.

Places We Should Be - Danielle Andrade

Introspective

So I lazed around the entire day, whilst totally scrapping any notion of studying tonight as I'm having my mental mood-swings again.

Today my roommate brought his girlfriend back to the room to watch a movie and I was totally okay with that.  Well...  I hardly am able to understand why I'm writing this post, but it's mostly regarding how today was a large self-examining session for me.

Firstly I took the now-familiar mile-long walk back to the dorms from the dining center, as my usual companion is away at Chicago for a debate session.  Being me, I easily get melancholic and starting thinking about things back home.  What I missed, and what I still am missing.  I thought about my grandfather again, and it all just floods back in.  Heck, I'm tearing up now.  It's a good thing my roommate left me alone for this.  Also I think about who I cared for, and how that has seemingly changed.

I returned to the room with Dan lying on his futon with Freyja.  I've longed felt a tinge of jealousy on how he has such a nice life.  But then again, my personal life sucks.  Not that I can do much about it.  But sitting at my study desk browsing YouTube for The Walking Dead: The Video Game "episodes", while just a few feet from me situated this couple with great understanding, passion, and respect, one does feel lonely.  In all respect, Dan is horrible with horror movies, yet Freyja accompanied him as they watched Scream 2 (of which they said was a letdown on all accounts).  I guess I was extremely jealous on the fact that he has such a wonderful person who cares for him, and that I've yet to have that moment with someone.

The ever-depressing end to The Walking Dead episode catalyzed this emotions.  Now to read that Wikipedia entry regarding Melancholic Depression.  Please quell this paranoia...

Lonely Nights - Bryan Adams

Heart

So I haven't gotten time to even think about blogging as in my spare time I've opted to play computer games to unwind.  Guess I'm back to my busier self.

At the moment, I'm juggling time between studies (I'm taking one particular class filled with mostly juniors and seniors, indicating it's difficulty), being an International Night Co-Chair for the International Student's Council, the Recycling Chair for my dorm's floor, a regular member of the Microbiology Club, as well as being a performer for Malaysian Cultural Night.  Social life is not out of question and I still spend time with friends, mostly by joining them for some workout time at the gym.  With such a tight schedule, I do feel bummed that I don't get to check on everyone else on the other side of the globe.

Back to the dance performance, it's a hip-hop dance routine with a dash of break-dancing, which was rather new to me.  We're into the 4th week of practice and things are still a little disjointed as not everyone can make it for practice sessions consistently.  As such, even my routine is shoddy as my dance partner isn't present at times.  Today I was praised by my dance instructor for the dedication I had put forth in the dance practices.  And as vain as this sounds, it's nice to get a compliment regarding my dedication.

Sure, people get praises and pats on the back for personality, but rarely for attitude.  That little compliment is very morale-boosting to me as no one had ever noticed the passion and dedication I put into the things I do.  In a sense, it's as though someone understood a crucial part of my being.  Conversely, I've been placing my nose to the grindstone every day for the Recycling Chair and half the people can't outdo a rhesus monkey in terms of recycling.  I've always been early for hall meetings, although how many god forsaken times it was reshuffled at the last moment.  I've had to reshuffle my schedule and had placed much of my time and interest on the line, only to be let down by a simple: "Oh, there's no meeting today" albeit the clear intentions made earlier that day.  So for the moment to get some recognition for my contributions, it is a very welcomed sight.  

My roommate just gave me a premature apology if he gets weird on me later tonight as he's going for some drinks.  This will be interesting...

Not Over You - Gavin DeGraw

Fall

So Fall season has finally kicked in and the last warm day, was pretty much two days ago.  Yesterday I challenged the 5 degree coldness by donning my favorite beach shorts and slippers. This act was carried out with both curiosity and laziness (I was about to miss the bus).  Clearly, I lost.  It was so cold that I could drink down my hot chocolate without burning my tongue.  By the way, Caribou Coffee near the Parks Library is absolutely divine.

Last night I did my regular checkups with the recycling room as I'm the Recycling Chair for my floor.  For the third time this week, there was thrash thrown in the bin.  The hilariously stupid thing is that the offender threw in the plastic bag as well.  Please, any tard monkey can do better.

I sometimes wonder which section of that idiot's skull should I bash into with a sledgehammer. Maybe, just maybe, I can finally find some peace every flipping week. Honestly, it's supposed to be a freaking voluntary position as Recycling Chair, not a bleeping anger management course.

I'm starting to understand why American college freshmen are so hard to deal with.

Sigh No More - Mumford & Sons

Gaze

Just a small thought as I continue to find a balance between studies, social life, and "me" time.  I've all but gave up on relationships.  Maybe I'm at the peak of my form in terms of skepticism, but that's how I feel now.  There's just no trust anymore.

But walking along campus grounds, noticing how the leaves are changing, that gave me an odd insight.  Past that lofty piles of beautiful orange, yellow and red leaves, the trees shed them to survive.  Those leaves deemed appealing by a younger me have all but died, outcasted and marooned to save another's skin.  Yet death seemed beautiful for a while.  

The above statement justifies that I've been watching too much Walking Dead.  Now... to try and do something productive.

"Be careful out there.  Because everybody lies."

- Eliza Cassan, Deus Ex: Human Revolution -

Nothing I Do - Jamie Cullum

Science

As a kid nothing piqued my interest more than science, besides watching TV, of course.  But then came along that mash-up of TV science show called Bill Nye The Science Guy.  The show was fantastic and made science seem all the more fun and cool, and this made Bill Nye my childhood idol (the only one outside my family, mind you).  In fact, looking back I think that was the driving force of my passion towards what I wanted to do.  And I thought: "Wouldn't it be great if I could ever meet someone like him?"

Tonight I met someone brilliant, enthusiastic, and fun all in a single package.  He demonstrated the need for my generation to step up, to strive and achieve great things as all previous generations had done.  He instilled determination and motivation in his speech.  In a fully packed Stephens Auditorium in ISU, I met Bill Nye.

My week has been made.

Burn It Down - Linkin Park

Break

Here I am supposedly trying to compile a resume for my International Student Council application, and blogging instead.  My bowel's getting grumpy too, which is never welcomed.

I browsed through some of my old posts and realized, that I've been having a large drama in terms of my personal life for freaking four years.  God knows what I was thinking.  But for the umpteenth time, I've finally moved on.  I guess I just couldn't bring myself to believe the reality of the situation until the words came out of her own lips.  Well, now I can focus on other stuff, once I get over the sad, sobbed part.  But yeah, time to turn over a new leaf!

My roommate is also moving out as my dorm is in the process of being switched to a freshman-only dorm.  Best part is that the year's room and board cost is all the same for us as we've paid for it already.  So he's moving to a suite in Buchanan and paying the same cost as I am.  Lucky dude.  Maybe I'll be lucky as well...    Fingers crossed.

Will be heading to Adli's place later for dinner with friends, and some FIFA 12 on his new Xbox 360.  Oh, my Achilles' Heel for soccer...

Okay I should rectify this disturbing bowel, and get back to work.

Break The Same - Mutemath

Disarray

A boy,

who thought of little,

in both concept,

and himself.

Still raw and tumbling,

gazing at his malcoordination,

in dizziness,

without a compass to lead.

A girl,

who flowers envy,

and diminishes sunsets,

without fail.

Looking for an identity,

lying behind the looking glass,

a silhouette of what she is,

and what she wants to be.

Thus a chance was given,

which the boy fumbled,

and the girl picked him up,

with questions still looming.

Who am I?

Can this work?

What is on his mind?

What is on hers?

Two years had passed,

there was no more boy or girl,

it only existed a guy, and a lady,

back at square one: alone.

And they grew apart.

Still being too young to love,

but too old to take it light-heartedly,

fizzing in the gray area of doubts and solitude.

Where he stares,

with one eye back at her,

and another away from the past,

as he tries in vain to move on.

And she stares back,

with tears and regrets,

as she slowly creeps,

still searching for her identity.

They both bleed their hearts out,

because that's the only thing they can do.

In this broken world,

filled with fear and deterrents.

Lonely Day - System of A Down

Beats

Procrastination, laziness and inconveniences has led to the outdated posts to be revealed.  Sorry.

I'll start off with the trip, which I took during the weekends, two weeks ago.  With some people from AMSISU (the Association of Malaysian Students in Iowa State University) we headed out to South Dakota for some sight-seeing.  First we headed to Mount Rushmore and later, set up camp at the Devils Tower National Monument camping grounds.  It was a nice trip, getting to know my Malaysian seniors better as well as seeing a part of America.  Got my foot stabbed in the process (stepped on a small tent pin), hiked for about 7 km with that injury, and getting to camp in 3 C cold weathers, it was memorable!

The next day when we returned, I missed the bus in a collection of unfortunate events.  It was imperative I got on the closest bus line as I was 25-30 minutes away from class, and class was beginning in 15 minutes time.  Moreover, with my current half-lame condition, it was close to impossible for me to be there early.  So with the aid of some adrenaline, I sprinted the 2 km stretch all the way to the third passing bus stop and got on another line, which also takes me to my class.  I was 2 minutes late, and the lecturer hadn't started class yet so I was a little fortunate.

A week had passed and my foot had finally healed properly.  I managed to play some soccer with Anton and Chris and it was quite something, being able to play the actual football game in The States.  I also watched my first college (American) football game with the Cyclones (us) beating our fiercest rivals, the Hawkeyes.  I watched it at the projector room in the commons, but it had a great atmosphere to it and reminded me a lot of the passion and enthusiasm surrounding soccer.  On Wednesday, Clubfest was underway.  A portion of the 500+ clubs in ISU set up booths to promote student participation.  I wasn't sure which clubs to join initially, so I signed up for a multitude of them.  The list goes:

- Asian Pacific American Awareness Coalition (APAAC)

- Skydiving Club

- Quidditch Club

- Spikeball Club

- German Club

- Writers' Guild

- Gamers Renegade

- International Students' Council (ISC)

- Lancelot House (Wallace)

- Microbiology Club

So thus far I've only attended the ISC meeting.  It was great as I met many international students studying in ISU.  And we took a group photo at the end of the event, although it was only a small portion of the attendees.

Which brings me to current times.  I have a new phone!!  Presenting...

The HTC One X

My first smartphone, and one that I'll (hopefully) be using long term.  Fresh out of the market, with a dual core processor and Beats Audio enhancer, I was loving it at the first go.  Oh, happy me.

Also I got the demo version to FIFA 13 (yay!) but the game keeps crashing on me (Boo!!).  One notable thing though is that they tweaked the impact engine as well as their first touch mechanism, giving the game a more realistic and fluid feel, which is a big win in my books.

That, was a summary of my past two weeks.  Till next time, ta taa.

Fa-Fa-Fa - Datarock

Speech

So I'm reluctant to go into details, but I got to see President Barack Obama in the flesh at ISU, as part of his presidential campaign.  Sure I wasn't into politics, but the atmosphere and the tone he set was immense.  It's one thing to say he's a good speaker, but another to be there when he delivers his speech.  I didn't take any pictures as my clear height deficit left nothing much to offer, but click on this link for the pictures taken by ISU photographers.

Cheers.

No Such Thing - John Mayer

Sentiments

I'm frustrated.

That's all I can say.

There's no blind anger,

no random blitz,

this time a focal point does exist.

Sadly, it's you.

Maybe I don't mean as much to you as I did previously,

but then again I had some value back then.

Now?

Now I'm just a face in a laptop screen.

So far from where you're sitting,

that I may not even exist.

So yes, I'm mad at you.

This will be as blatant as it gets.

About this morning,

when I said I didn't mind,

I lied.

Like I always do,

so that you don't have a sleepless night,

swallowed in guilt.

At least you're sensitive enough to feel that strand of emotion.

Funny how you keep me waiting,

even now,

in a different aspect.

And in solitude,

again I'll find the oldest of friends,

even if tears and reluctance is what keeps us together.

This is just a simple meeting.  Should you not be able to make it on the agreed time, tell me!  It's not that bloody hard!  Sigh.  I'm exasperated.

Not While I'm Around - Jamie Cullum

Novel

First day of class was okay.  Basically just running through the syllabus so nothing notable.

And now, as Aneez suggested, some writing.

Isolated at the opposite end,

the paper can't be folded,

for it will never meld,

it's a reality.

I left with false ideals,

that I would've been cleansed,

that I was purged of all ties,

ties deemed encumbering.

Now I realized,

that these weaknesses,

these personally-labelled restraints,

is what keeps me striving,

the core of my current being.

You left,

with a smile of sincerity,

I smiled back,

heaving a wounded vessel,

the pain being internal,

you wouldn't like it.

A fraction of me still feels regret,

for the taken risk,

for the impatience,

for the selfishness,

for the impression.

Other days leave me flustered,

sometimes brimming confidence.

But not today,

memories have stripped that layer off me,

the layer of beliefs and fortitude.

No, you lay me bare.

That's the eternal beauty of which defines you,

of which I have no answer to,

for I only can offer myself as tribute,

to appease,

to be tossed around like a ragdoll,

to gain not affection, but recognition.

Today I cringe in silence,

not in fear, 

not in pain,

but awe.

That although time trickles away, 

from my very fingertips,

I would give any day away,

just to try to convince you,

be it for today, or a lifetime.

By My Side - Kasabian

Strolls

I'm sorry I couldn't write sooner!  Well I'm still having orientation (even now) and I moved in some few days ago.  I've a little bit of spare time now so here I am, blogging.

The city of Ames is very spacious.  It's just flat lands, with fields of corn, corn, corn, and more corn.  Campus is huge as well!  Like, two-fold-of-the-vicinity-of-Sunway-Pyramid huge.  But it's green and since it's summertime, the weather is cool at about 26 C.  Under the sun though, it feels just like Malaysia.  So whatever aspirations I had about getting rid of my tan has gone out of the window.

It's a long walk from one end of campus to another, about 30 minutes or so.  Fortunately there's a very efficient bus system which covers most of the buildings on campus, even off campus to the convenience stores.  Unlike Malaysia, these buses are punctual down to the minute.  It's free for Iowa State U students with an ISU ID, but since we're paying for the resources, it's technically not "free" per say.

The environment is very green here, with large trees everywhere offering shade and fresh air.  Moreover campus is smoke-free so all the air you breathe in is clean and fresh, so walking around campus isn't that taxing.  In fact, there's a lake situated at the heart of campus called Lake La Verne.  There's a flock of ducks and swans around that lake, and a pair of the swans (known as Lancelot and Elaine) are part of tradition around here.  I've also witnessed some rabbits and squirrels happily hopping about on campus itself!

My residential hall is a bit small, but it's manageable.  Since my block is the freshman block, I get to see many international students, mainly Chinese.  And although it's slightly isolated from the main campus, the bus system does help a lot.  Even a casual walk will take you 15 minutes to reach the main campus so I can't complain.  I walked home yesterday from the opposite side of campus at 7.45 pm and it was as bright as day!  And the sun wasn't glaring down at me so couple that with a nice breeze, and you get a very pleasant walk all the way back home.

One thing that I must mention about ISU is that there's thrash compactors everywhere around campus.  They're solar powered and can store up to 5 times the original amount of waste by compressing it.  So it's very green and energy efficient.  Furthermore every building has a water dispenser so that everyone can quench their thirst, and although it may be a small thing, I really like it.

People here are nice and are very friendly.  And it's different from Malaysia in the sense that they can easily strike up a conversation.  I think it's the Asian mentality to be more reserved, so we don't usually chit-chat that much, but the Americans are very sociable, which is a good thing.  

Oh, I think my resident assistant is hot.  Haha!!  I mean, blonde hair, green eyes, MY HEIGHT.  So nice!!  And there was this one time when I was walking around campus and suddenly this horde of girls started appearing.  About hundreds of them strolling down the same path (some of them quite pretty, but that's besides the point).  It was interesting...  hahaha!!  I think they're from the fraternities so it was quite some eye candy there!  As a consolation to girls reading this post, it's a common sight to see hot, topless guys jogging around or playing sports, so don't feel too left out.  The moderator for the "guy-hotness" radar was Cassie, so there is a degree of standards involved.

My roommate just moved in about an hour ago so they place is fully furnished now.  My only complain is that my fridge (yes, I can claim it mine now) is right behind my seat so it's a bit of a hassle to open the fridge door.  But exchange that for a Nintendo Gamecube and a 26" TV and a futon?  I'll grab that.

That's all for today.

Club Foot - Kasabian

Wallace

You know when I kept nagging about wanting closure?  I was an idiot for requesting that.  And it still tears a hole in me, at the same time giving me something to believe in for the day that I return.  Shitballs.

On another note, I've finally moved in to my room at Wallace Hall.  I just walked the entire stretch of some 2km-odd road with Shaun, an Agriculture Business Major from China that I just met.  He stays at Wallace too, and he's humongous.

I finally have some free time to myself before the classes here start.  And damn, they're intimidating.  16 credit hours per semester at a minimum?!  My mouth can foam at any given time!

But hey, it's what I wanted.

With lots of hope, vision, and love,

Fang

Music Sounds Better With You - Big Time Rush

Departure

Had a nice time last night with Joyce, Sunshine, Atia and Sabr at Plan b.  Food was not bad and we had a great time chatting.  I think I kinda burned out that night, as I was mainly quiet.  But it was nice.

Then I got my last equipment(s) from Roger and we FIFA-d again.  Seems that I'm good at playing Premier League teams against him, as the track record stands at a 100% win streak when I'm using a BPL team.  And then, I got thumped back to back for 4 games with anonymous clubs.

Got back at 4.30 am and crashed on the bed, thinking that it'll be my last night here in Malaysia.  Many people ask: "How do you feel about leaving?".  Well, I feel everything and nothing at the same time: pain, joy, sadness, excitement, fear, determination, etc.  

For me the feeling only started seeping in about a week ago.  All this while I thought: "Oh, I'm a quiet guy.  With no high regards made by my peers and friends.  Just a simple guy living his life and pursuing his dream.".  Then I got to attend and organize sooo many social events, and finally learn that I meant so much more to everyone than I value myself.  That perhaps I'm just stuck in this modest and low-self esteem state that I act as though I'm inferior to others.  But through the past few weeks, I got to know that I did matter to people; that somehow, I've inspired them and influenced them in a particular degree; that maybe I'm worthwhile.  I don't know; it sounds confusing, eh?  But I feel so stupid to not notice that I was loved and cared for so much all this time, and I took it for granted.  And it's like I want to cry everyday, but just can't find the time to do so.

I'll be leaving for the airport in 8 hours time.  Sigh

It's riveting.  I think that word properly justifies the position I'm in.  Just...  riveting.

Ready To Start - Arcade Fire

Appreciation

We, the ADTP Student Committee, visited the Orang Asli settlement at Trolak, Perak to hand over the Nokero solar-powered lamps.  They will benefit greatly from the lamps as their time for studies and reading is limited when the sun sets.  These lamps can change all that, and it runs on clean energy.

Going for the trip, I didn't know what to expect.  But the people there were very receptive of our arrival and invited us with open arms.  Vic and I had the honor of having lunch with the village head, Tok Batin, as the others were fasting for Ramadhan.  We also played with the kids there and went waterfall hiking with them.  Believe you me, they're all incredibly agile, as we struggled to keep up with their pace, as they jump from rock to rock, across streams.  I slipped on a rock covered in algae and scraped my foot a little, to my embarrassment.

We left in the afternoon from an amazing experience.  It was great to know that our cause was not only beneficial to some, but also much needed and appreciated.  I mean, if you hand a solar-powered lamp to a city-person, the effect will be entirely different, even the appreciation level.

Later that evening, I had the chance to play my last game of football at the nearby community park.  Roger and I got battered, as I had lumps kicked into me and he tanked many strong shots (he was keeper), but we did well.  Heck, we gave the opposition a run at the later half of the game, gaining the lead for the first time.  We were playing out of our skins, and the opposition grew more and more frustrated, to the point of self-imploding.  Sadly we couldn't capitalize on that (we're still just two players) and the match ended 3-1.  But it could've gone the other way on any other day, as Roger chose a very much makeshift side against a strong team.

My shins are both aching and my foot is a bit sore, but I have no regrets that day.  It was really a fairytale ending for me at DU Court.  And I got whacked badly by Roger in FIFA 12 later that night.

The Phoenix Alive (Kris Menace Mix) - Monarchy

Hourglass

Basically, I've been through a lot in the past few weeks.  Be it either laziness or fatigue, sorry I didn't blog about it for a while.

Firstly, the Bukit Tabur hike may never be blogged about properly, as the pictures aren't fully uploaded yet.  But it was 1000 meters above ground level, and an incredible experience.  I nearly slipped on that quartz ridge twice, of which the outcome wouldn't be nice in any way, and I was reminded of how precious and fragile life can be.  That same day, I was late for my graduation by an hour or so, because of the rain and the jam.  I wasn't particularly happy about that, but my lecturers and friends were there to accompany me.  So that didn't suck too bad.  So that was on a Friday, the 20th of July.

Then on the 25th of July, I grabbed Roger along for a session of Laser Tag with the Sunway peeps, since he's never played it before.  Had quite a good time that day, getting 2nd, 3rd and 5th on the standings for the three games we played.  And Roger was so compelled to beat me in the game that with every kill he has on me, he would actually run up to my face and shout: "You mad?!".  That was fun haha!

The next day saw me playing futsal with again, the Sunway peeps, plus Roger and my driving school buddy, Vikesh and his team.  It was a nice day as well, although I didn't score any goals.  I did grab some 4 assists, helping Roger net 2 of his 4-goal tally that day.  The highlight for my day there was managing to beat a defender with a roulette.  Like, finally!  But after the turn and gasps of awe from my spectating friends, I fired the shot straight at the keeper...  So I'll have to work on my finishing a lot more.

Then on Saturday, Rachel had a farewell party at Metropolitan Square Condominiums.  It was a great time, getting to hang out with friends and chill for the day.  My only issue was the blasted parking rate, which costed me RM 15.50.  But it's a small thing, in exchange for what I went through.

On Sunday, I returned to my kampung at Seremban for prayers.  The prayers was mainly to give me the blessing and guidance from my ancestors.  It was a simple event, but as I stepped up to that altar, with the rest of my family looking on, it was very emotional.  So close was I to breaking down right in front of them; it just meant so much to me.

I got my laptop's RAM increased at Digital Mall on the 31st of July, with Isaac being the extremely annoying backseat driver and Roger tagging along.  The following day, I followed my mom for lunch with some newly-acquainted friends and was forced fed one too many prawns (reasons being I'm young, that I need to eat more so that I can grow, etc) so I had a severe allergic reaction to that.  Thus, I got a shot in the butt to cure it.

And the next day saw me spring cleaning the ADTP Storeroom, which prior to that day had never been delved into for the past 2 years.  It was simply a mess in there!  Being the dude with a partial OCD to cleanliness, it was horrifying in there.  But nevertheless, we got the entire room sorted out and rearranged in some 5 hours time.  After that, Naufal and I were interviewed on behalf of Sunway ADTP, to be recorded and uploaded on the online database.  It was baaaad haha!  We kept screwing up every now and then, but it was a fun time.  Later that night, we buka puasa at Itallianese.  And as usual, I overate.  Severely.

That Friday saw me returning to my other kampung at Ipoh to say goodbye to my relatives.  It was a day trip so nothing much happened, but I was dead tired by the end of the day.  And yesterday Chin, Danny, Roger and I attempted to head to Wangsa Maju for the Burger Bakar Kaw Kaw, but failed to in the end, so we headed to SS2 Murni instead.

And I'm having lunch with The Usual Gang later at Hayaki, going to buy a batik shirt with my parents, and later a steamboat dinner with the Scouts at Fat One Steamboat.

So much to do, and I'm not even done packing yet.

Empire Ants - Gorillaz

Churned

... and there will be moments of loss,

moments of brief sparks,

but ultimately moments of a pleasing effort.

The entirety of fragments on a thread,

manages to meld into a single period in life,

where you feel everything,

and subsequently, nothing.

That all the churns of your gut,

fail to make a lasting image.

Or that haste led to waste,

that impatience was mistaken for decisiveness.

Alas the fantasies of a growing boy,

Ever intending to emulate the great Icarus.

Perhaps intentionally galloping into impending deceit,

behind waxed intents and goals.

 Gotham's Reckoning - Hans Zimmer

Rationality

Taken from a friend's tumblr page, of something she re-posted

I once dated a writer and

Writers are forgetful,

but they remember everything.

They forget appointments and anniversaries,

but remember what you wore,

how you smelled,

on your first date...

They remember every story you've ever told them - like ever,

but forget what you've just said.

They don't remember to water the plants

or take out the trash,

but they don't forget how

to make you laugh.

Writers are forgetful

because

they're busy

remembering

the important things.

I think about it and say:  "Yeah.  That's me.".  If only (always with the "if"s) someone appreciated that.  That being said, I've spoken my mind and she didn't feel the same way.  I clearly understood that, I sincerely do;  we didn't spend enough time knowing each other and I didn't leave a good enough impression.  Ultimately the lack of time squeezed the confession out of me, albeit that I had to tell her; I didn't want to.  bottle it up and bring the lingering thoughts with me when I leave.  But I've no regrets, and hopefully she'd be alright too.  Funny how my rationale works.


Here's the link to the actual post.  Credit is all due to her.

Of Heights and Hollows


I'll do a write-up on the Bukit Tabur Hike soon, once all the pictures are uploaded.

Sleazy Bed Track - The Bluetones